Hello, I am the SJ's wife. No, we do not live on a beach. I have noticed that there have been suggestions that we avoid situations where this might be a problem, and if need be my husband change his job or for us to move. That is not an option here, we are a military family and are based overseas, so we can not just up and move.

That being said, being military and stationed overseas the base is not a large one and that is your only connection to any thing familiar. So we are both on base a lot, him for his job, then us for different shopping, banking, etc. All of this being said the general populations of the base is at least 20 years younger than me. So you have active duty females that when not working dress in their civilian clothes, be what they may. Then you have the young active duty males who are married, to their young or younger wives, who dress whatever way they see fit. So there are is lots of things to look at, be it exposed slightly covered, or tightly clothed.

I do agree that in the beginning we should definitely, try to avoid places and situations that we know are going to cause and issue. However being realistic, that is impossible to do, all of the time. I mean if that is the case then what, we can never leave the house again, at least together. I mean I realize like I said above, we can do that until he breaks the habit or get a handle on it. Not sure how long that will take him, but if we have to do this forever, then it would be hopeless. I mean now a days you can not go to the grocery store with out seeing cleavage, or a pretty woman. Or even to a doctors appointment together, because we can not control what they other patients will be wearing. I guess I am just being honest here, I don't want to feel like we have to give up things, because of this situation. I am willing to for a while but not forever, I just feel that is being unrealistic in the world we live in today.

You are free to reject the advice given. That is just fine with us.

Here�s my experience with this problem.

When my W and I first married we moved to a large metro area where I had found work fresh out of college. As you can imagine there were tons of distractions around compared to the small little town we came from.

During these early years I was madly in love with my W, thought she was gorgeous and wanted nothing more than to look at her. I�d see other ladies, sure, but never felt the urge to look like I did before her and I were together (boy on the hunt for a girl). During this time her and I were alone for the most part in this city. It took a while before we made a lot of friends that we�d do things with. So we were inseparable. Spending tons of quality time together.

Her sister and boyfriend came to visit us during these early years and she commented to my W that �You are sooooo lucky. � �Why?� �Well because Mr. Alias never looks at other women. He�s always centered on you.�. She said this while we were in a dance club where there were, evidentally, a lot of nice looking ladies around. I don�t recall seeing them, just my wife.

Later on in our M, long work hour jobs, kids, sports, various other independent activities came along and we were no longer interdependent. We�d spend less and less time together. During that time I�d think back on what my SIL said and think Oh my! How I�ve changed. This change has gone on for years and I notice it today.

If we don�t get enough UA time and keep my romantic feelings of her at their peak I find myself doing things I don�t want to be doing. I try hard to make a conscious choice not to do it. It can be done if you truly believe you don�t want to do it. After all we guys aren�t stupid cavemen. We can control our behaviors if we put forth the effort to do it. I�ve done a pretty good job of avoiding this disrespectful gawking.

In your situation removing the source of temptation is a great idea because it eliminates the things you do that cause your W pain. BUT, you have to do whatever is necessary to stop doing those things.
Steeling your mind to stop it is important. And working together with her to get in tons and tons of UA time so you build up those powerful romantic feelings will make all the difference in the world. I know from firsthand experience.

Your W isn�t insecure. She�s hurt by your behavior. This is your Lovebuster and you need to clean it up.

From this description, it sounds like most men are green people and most women are blue people. It doesn't sound like you have identified a classification scheme that is really all that unique or useful. It is common for the husband to be green and the wife to be blue. That is just another way of saying the husband is a man and the wife is a woman.

No one is rejecting the advice given. But as I stated before he can not just up and quit his job, or us just up and move. That would be considered AWOL and that would get him locked up.

My description was probably terribly insufficient to explain the concept. The idea is called 4 lenses if anyone was interested.

I like what the poster kilted thrower said about all you need to know is it bothers her, so you stop. You make the right choice to stop looking and you build the habit of not looking.

I live in a small and pretty conservative town, and I could go to the grocery store with my husband today and possibly see a scanty clothed woman. It won't matter because he never looks. Well, if she is really outrageous he might look for a second, shake his head, and ask me can I believe someone would go out like that (his voice would be disgusted).

One of the good things about MB is with things like this there is no getting bogged down in analyzing it. It hurts her, stop, period.

I definitely analyze things much more than "normal". I also hear the resounding "JUST STOP!!!" that seems to be the theme of the entire thread.

Believe me, I really do not want to talk about it, but I feel that I should answer her questions if she has them. It would not be very open and honest to decline to respond.

We are digging deeper into the MB program and will be getting some books soon and reading them together. Do you think the Lovebusters questionnaire should be done without reading the associated chapters first? We took a look at it today and it seemed like perhaps some clarification might be needed. Is this possible or should we just fill it out as we see fit...following directions of course.

Dr Harley told your wife on the call that there is absolutely no need to discuss WHY you might be attracted to other women. It shouldn't be discussed. You need to stop doing that. You are not supposed to use radical honesty as a battering ram.

If you've already answered, though, there is no need to discuss it again.

I feel like I am the one being battered with it. What am I supposed to do when she wants to talk about it? I am doing a good job with not giving anyone any undue attention and I am not going to the gym with her (which takes away from some time together) but the topic seems to come up no matter what.

I feel like right now I need some guidance on how to do this from my end only, I am afraid support from her end might stop completely if I cannot stop this train wreck.

Jeger, the solution is to stop talking about it completely and focus on pleasant conversation when you are together. Are you and your wife spending 20+ hours of undivided attention together? Are you familiar with that policy?

I would suggest you quietly repeat the answer you've given before in a quiet and gentle voice, affirm that one reason you will not engage in this behavior any more is because it would be extremely hurtful to her, and then gently attempt to change the subject.

Jeger,
I am a recovered gawker. My W and I are still struggling through lots of issues, but I at least wanted to tell you that it is possible to not even look around. I invented something called "Targeting"...actually God invented it and put the idea in my head.***edit***

Bottom line - rather than let yourself look around in public, target inannimate objects. At this point if I see something in my periferal vision that MIGHT be something that I MIGHT be tempted to look at, I target. It's similar to the concept that when someone tells you to NOT think about a pink elephant, it makes you think of a pink elephant. It's similar with people telling you to NOT look at pretty women walking by. It doesn't work. You need to give you eyes and your brain something else to do when in public. You can read some of my posts if you want to see how hard it was for me to stop this bad habit and how I learned to target after fighting with people on this forum (and my W) about how many nanoseconds I was or wasn't looking.

A good book to support you in your quest is "Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time". One of the authors got in a car wreck while gawking. Hopefully your wake-up call can be less painful. Mine wasn't (i.e. my marriage is still suffering from the damage I've done to my wife and myself by allowing my eyes to control my brain (Mark 9:43-47)

Good luck!
1HG

SJ, I understand you have a lot of female friends.

I just wanted to point out that this is incredibly offensive to your wife (as it would be to any woman) and will prevent her being able to feel trust for you and to feel intimate with you.

It is IMPOSSIBLE for her to have a good marriage if you have friends of the opposite sex.

(To say nothing of how incredibly risky it is. Even in good marriages where all emotional needs are met, affairs start when people let others meet their emotional needs, i.e., have friendships like this.)

Take a look at Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html


That means don't call a woman unless you've talked to your wife and she feels great about the idea, don't have lunch with a woman unless you've talked to your wife and she feels great about the idea, don't have coffee with a woman unless you've talked to your wife and she feels great about the idea, don't text or email a woman unless you've talked to your wife and she feels great about the idea, etc.

This is a huge red flag. As a former gawker, my opinion is that you should NOT be going to the public gym **AT ALL**. This is just going to increase the contrast effect. You and your wife should be exercising together alone. Then you will not have the temptation to look around and compare your wife with every other fit and trim young woman within eye-shot.

Seriously - you need to retrain your brain. Please buy and read TODAY that book I recommended earlier: "Every Man's Battle"

I'd like to second the recommendation for the book Every Man's Battle. I was fortunate enough to read it before I even met my wife and learn to eliminate a lot of these bad habits and create replacement habits.

FYI... Markos,

I bought that book, and gave it to 1HG because you recommended it on the forum. For that, I am grateful.

1HG willingly read that book, and took it to heart. For that, I am also very grateful.

Please listen to these excellent clips.

Radio Clip on Opposite Sex Friendships
Segment #2

Another one.
Radio Clip on Opposite Sex Friendships