My wife has filed for divorce and I have received the divorce papers this week. A little background. Our relationship has been tough through out the years (married for 8 years this October 1) I personally have felt neglected not loved and always put me last in whatever she was doing. I had strong emotional feelings that my wife had abanded the relationship and was very depressed. Over time my hurt built up so when we got into fights I would say harsh things to her that would make her upset so she too could be hurt. After a few days of a fight we would make up and I tried to tell her how I felt but always said I was justifying my actions. Well 3 weeks ago she came home and said she filed for divorce. Completely shocked by it I begged her to reconsider but she said the damage has been done from all the verbal abuse and not supporting her career( she works 50+ hours a week and never manages to be home for our kids when she says she would be. Found it hard to support that while being pushed even further away) I put her though. The only times I have ever been verbally abusive was in a heated fight when we both exchange horrible things to each other. So after a week or so I realized how upset my wife was by my actions in the past and how she felt I have betrayed her trust. I accepted responsibility for my actions and apologized sincerely for it. Started going to therapy and when talking to my councilor he asked if I was ever hurt in this marriage and I said yes I have. I have been neglected from love, affection and general friendship.

Over the past few weeks it has been a real emotional roller coaster and real eye opener for me. I started caring more about her job, listening why she vents about her stressful day while offering affection and comfort. Each day before she leaves I offer to her a hug and she accepts. Well yesterday she says " you know that there is a possibility that were getting divorced" I stated yes but it does not have to be this way. She left for work and I felt that there was some hope, hope that she understood I was wrong for not caring as much and comforting her needs before.

She really has been trying to avoid me and not really talk to me about anything beside the divorce. so mid afternoon I get a call from her telling me she had a headache and a very stressful day, so I listened to her providing affection and appreciation for all that she does. I offered if she would like to speak to one of our children and she stated no. So again I assumed she just wanted to speak to me and again I thought that there was hope.

She came home from work late and was upset because she was yelled at by one of her clients at work. A man who as she put it " very aggressive in his tone" the same issues that she accused me of during our marriage. I notice she was upset and put the children to bed and walk her to our bed. Tucked her then laid down next to her and started rubbing her back asking if she was ok told her I was there for her.

She snapped! Asking me why all of a sudden I cared about her feelings, about her job, offering comfort when I have not been before. She says it is making her feel more resentment and thinks I'm full of crap ( when I really do care). She ask me why again and I said because I love you, and why rubbing my back I told her " it seemed you were upset and stressed was just offering comfort as a friend". She then stated she just wants this marriage over and move on to the next step that she filed for divorce and what I did not understand about it being over.

Hurt by all this, I still remained strong and offered compassion. However, I'm so confused!! Is that what she really thinks? Do I need to just let her go and not offer comfort or affection anymore? I thought that there was some hope did I misjudge that?

Hi Owen, welcome to Marriage Builders. This program can save your marriage if we can get your wife on board. It sounds to me like all the fights have just about destroyed your marriage. But that can be changed. As far as supporting her career, MB would not advise you to support a career that obviously does not complement your marriage. But that can be dealt with later. If you can get your wife to agree to go through this program, it can change your marriage into a happy, romantic relationship. Many of us have been through this program and it changed our lives.

But you have to understand it first, so please go start reading the links in the "start here first" thread and come back and lets talk. Start here

Thank you so much for the reply. I will start reading the "start here first" right away. I have offered marriage counciling to my wife many times this past week and at this point she is just simply refusing anything right now. Should I just give her space for a while and try approach it at a later time? I have been really supportive and listening to her needs and providing comfort affection and support. Should I stop doing these things? I love my wife so much but like I said if it could be over with tomorrow it would be at this point. Any advice on how to act/not act would be great from anyone was has felt like my wife currently feels.

Thanks again

The problem with traditional marriage counseling is that it is downright destructive to marriages. They have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. We see the damage from their destructive advice on this forum every week. Marriage counselors do not have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. So if you have one shot to get her to try something I would not risk it.

This program is completely different, though. The difference is that this program is a step by step guide in restoring the romance to your marriage. It works if BOTH people are motivated to try it. If you can get a good understanding of the program and can effectively sell it to her, you can go through this program on your own at home with our guidance. Your investment would be a few books that can be purchased for under $50.

If that doesn't work, Marriage Builders does offer counseling through Dr Harley's kids, Dr Chalmers and Steve Harley. Another option is to go through the MB online program where you are assigned a coach and taken through a series of lessons spanning a year. You would have daily access to Dr Harley on the private forum. That approach costs about $1000. [my husband and I did this in 2007 and had amazing results]

But you might be able to do this on your own with the books. The books you need are His Needs, Her Needs, Lovebusters and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. You can get them here or on amazon.com.

In the meantime, you should continue to be as affectionate and supportive as possible.

I would also like you to quietly do some snooping and RULE OUT an affair. The MAJORITY of the time when a spouse wants a divorce, there is an affair going on. If there is an affair, then all the things I told you above will be FUTILE until the affair is exposed and killed.

Does she have any male friends she is confiding in?

This is the RIGHT approach. You are doing the right thing. And whatever you do, don't argue or fight with her. Don't get angry EVER. Any angry outbursts or disrespectful judgments will undo any good you have done.

She does have male friends she talks too however, I honestly believe she is not having an affair. I have snooped around a little and have found nothing out of the norm. I truly believe that my actions caused by my own hurt have put her into this position and have built up a strong wall over the years. If by some chance she is having an affair she is doing an amazing job at concealing it. What she has told me was that I was the only person in her life that she trusted and confided in and since she feels that I have betrayed those things that she could never go back to loving me as a wife should love her husband.

I will continue to snoop around just to make sure but like I said I really think it all has to do with her not believing I can change and how she felt I betrayed her trust.

Everything you have told me is what a cheater usually tells her spouse when she is having an affair. It is classic cheater behavior, in that they rewrite history and trot out every grievance going back YEARS. The reason they do this is this is how they justify the affair in their own minds. Women are notorious for telling people their husband is "abusive" so they will help her hide the affair.

Most people are SHOCKED when we tell them to snoop to make sure there is not an affair and they come back with evidence of an affair. Most have absolutely no idea because the spouse does an amazing job of concealing it.

I would slip a keylogger on her computer or some spyware on her cell phone to make very sure. She may not be having an affair but the reasons you gave above make me MORE suspicious, not less.

Can you give me an example of the WORST thing you have done to her?

I have called her worthless piece of crap when nothing was getting done around the house. She would come home from work not work on the kids school work lay on the couch and do nothing for weeks. I was picking up all the slack while working afternoons. After building up resentment I finally snapped when we got into a huge fight and said that to her. I tried to explain why I said it but she assumed I was calling her worthless as a person not as someone who was worthless to me at that particular time. When explaining she told me I was not taking accountability for my actions and trying to back paddle what I said. It was not true though it was truly how I felt at that time. And I'm a male you can not express his feelings really well.

I have search Facebook, emails, phone records everything nothing is out of norm. Her attitude has not changed, no special clothes underwear, not sprucing up her body of any sorts at all. No signs of anything! Not to sound sick or anything but you would think one would shave or at least trim it up if there was someone else. Nothing at all!

That was a horrible, inexcusable thing to say to your wife. That cannot be justified with the honesty card, it should have NEVER been said. NEVER. And when you made excuses for it, it only told her this was hopeless. Whether or not you "felt it" at the time, is not the point. Just because you FEEL something disrespectful does not mean you should say it.

The appropriate thing to say to her about that comment and other disrespectful judgments is "I am sorry I ever said that. I was wrong and there is no excuse. I will NEVER do that again." <-------unless your wife hears that from you she is right to feel hopeless. A marriage cannot survive that kind of abuse.

It sounds like name calling and fighting have made your marriage a nightmare. So the place I would start is eliminating lovebusters.

A big part of her depression likely comes from her bad relationship with you. I also wonder how she feels about her job. Does her job stress her out?

ok, thanks. I think what you told me in your previous post explains quite a bit. Most women would want to get out of a marriage with a husband who spoke to her like that. I know I would.

I have also said other things as well. But so has she, not offering an escuse here just simply stating we both have said horrible rotten things to each other.

I always felt horrible after and things I said but they always blew over with both of us just forgetting what happen and carry on. Never addressing it until the next fight when harsh words were said again.

Yes her job is extremely stressfull, she is a director at a private club. I also run an investment business so our hours are both extremely long and stressful. She also is telling me I did not support her on her career, which I did not because she would say she would be home at a certain time and show up hours later because a client came in for meetin late when they got off work. So I was force to scramble on my afternoon lunch hour to make dinner and help kids with homework in an hour.

I have sincerely appoligize for the things that I have said and told her it was inexcusable behavior however she seems to be just done with this marriage.

I have received the same verbal abuse from her as well but I never realized it was hurting her that badly. She would say it hurt her but then days later it was like it never happen so I really never took her serious about it. I brushed off things she said to me as well

Do you think there is any hope? These fight only occurred seldom but I see how it actually affected her. For the most part we did have a strong relationship with the normal martial challenges but we did love each other and I'm a great father. It was just so hard to open up an express my hurt when she would push me to the side like I did not exist. I never ever wanted to hurt her just can not express how she hurt me.

Should I just let her be? Let her move on?

If you are not offering this as an excuse, her behavior should not be mentioned IF you are taking accountability for your own actions. When you are SORRY, you don't cite the wrongdoing of others.


Every time it happened, the love in your marriage took a huge hit. When a person gets married, their "love bank" so to speak is full. So every time oyu have a fight, it takes out huge withdrawals. Pretty soon the bank is empty and then it goes into the red. When it goes into the red, hatred and contempt take over. Not even saying "sorry" will undo the damage.

In short, you can't afford a single fight or another lovebuster. And I am very alarmed at how you presented the problem to me. See, what you have told me is that she was largely responsible for your disrespect which means a future with you is hopeless. If you won't take full and complete accountability for your disrespect this is hopeless.

When a person blames their angry outbursts on another person, that means they WILL happen again. So the first step is take full accountability - WITHOUT CITING HER WRONGS.


It sounds like her job has been terrible for your marriage. This is something that the program would address. The goal at Marriage Builders is to find jobs that complement a marriage. Hers does not. Neither one of you should have a job that a) harms your marriage or b) makes the other spouse unhappy.


The way you have explained this to me is alarming for the reasons I gave above. If you cite her wrongdoings in your apology it means you aren't really taking accountability. That was *MY* reaction to your explanation. And like I said, saying you're sorry does little to undo the damage. And if it continues to happen, your sorry is meaningless.


Her verbal abuse is wrong too, but when you talk to her about yours, you need to avoid pointing to HER.

This program would save your marriage. We have seen much worse than this. If you can sell her on this program, you can have a marriage. There is no reason for your marriage to fail.

Her career has been a disaster to your marriage and has made you very unhappy. You are RIGHT to not support it.

Agree with Melody. An apology only counts if you make no excuses and then correct your behavior. Pointing out that she has committed the same offense is an excuse, that can be dealt with separately, when recovery is under way.

You must focus on cleaning your own side of the street. Airing your complaints right now won't draw her back into the M. They are important, but when the time is right.

50+ hours per week managing a private club sounds like lots of opportunity for a secret second life and you'd never know.

That article that is in the "start here first" thread has all the answers you need:

How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

I feel so horrible, lost and devasted how I could ever treat someone I love so much that way. I really thought I realized but this discussion has brought yet again more light to my inexcusable actions. I ruined the single most important thing to me besides my children. I'm a horrible person for how I treated my love. I can't even imagine trying to work this out on how she has been treated. I think the most important thing I can do and what would mean the most is let her have her peace.

First off, you have done what most people do: use demands and disrespect to resolve problems in your marriage because you DIDN'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO. WE have all been horrible in our marriages. Very few of us have the skills to resolve problems.

But that doesn't mean we can't gain those skills and save our marriages. You CAN do this. WE did this.

The most important thing you can do for your wife and your children is lead her to a great marriage. The best outcome for your wife is to have a happy, romantic, fulfilling marriage with the father of her children. Getting divorced will not make her happy. But having a great marriage to you WILL.

So are you with us?