Tell him:

I want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and I will NOT stay in a marriage which is at risk. I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take:

1. End all contact with OW for life - send her a letter that we write together and is mailed by me

2. No more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. Complete transparency - cell phone passwords, finances etc

4. No more opposite sex friendships

5. Complete honesty about your affair<s> &#150; passing a polygraph

6. Commit to a program for marital recovery of my choosing.

This is what it will take to keep me in this marriage. You will have to have willingness and ability to make radical changes in your life if we are going to be married. Your lifestyle must become an open book, holding nothing back. These precautions are to prevent another affair. I love you and have no doubt that you are capable of compensating for the past and building a terrific marriage in the future.

Just to clarify - it needs to be handwritten by him and checked, sealed and mailed by you.

Yes have him write the NC letter. Continue reading SAA, it's an excellent book and roadmap to Survive this and recover your marriage.

I think everyone has posted some excellent advice. As a former WS, I can tell you that your husband will find doing many of these things that he needs to do, such as the NC letter, extremely difficult. My husband actually wrote my NC letter for me and I read over it and okayed it before we sent it. I remember feeling some resentment about the whole thing, but I knew I had to do it to save my marriage. And, like your husband, I think I liked the idea that someone out there in the wings was in love with me. It took me a long time to stop thinking the OM would "come back for me" as stupid as that now seems.
Please do everything that Marriage Builders tells you to do. It seems extreme at times, but it is oh, so worth it. You will get your husband back, better than ever.
As for your anger--don't feel guilty about it. That OW was out to destroy your marriage and don't ever forget it. It's no different that someone hurting one of your children. You SHOULD be angry.

It is essential that the NC letter is worded exactly as the template with NO closure type bull and also handwritten by your WH so that OW cannot disregard it as something that YOU wrote. Thank you SugarCane and I apologize for my confusing wording.



Are you sure that no contact is in place? Your husband is still very foggy and protective of OW considering that you believe the affair ended in May/June. You need to verify no contact by snooping. Don't ask your WH...you already know that he is capable of lying. Trust only what you can personally verify. I know that sounds cynical but, seriously, you need to verify NC. Has your WH changed his phone number and email addresses? Is it still possible for OW to get through to him?

Do not underestimate the lengths that a predatory OW will go to keep her cake.

Pinkstraws, this is a dangerous assumption to make. The OW in my sitch was married for 20+ years, as well. Her husband thought she had never strayed.

At one point during the affair, OW confessed to my husband that she had always been faithful to her husband prior to their affair...except for a one-night stand that her husband knew nothing about.

Also, please remember that there are many people who have STDs and manage them while they are married. The fact that she has been married for years does not make her disease-free.

Get the testing done. Your health is way too important to trust in the sexual history of a woman who has proven that she will lay with men who are not her husband.

While you're there, talk candidly with your doctor and give him the true story of what has happened. If you are on the rollercoaster and need anti-depressants to help you over the short term he can prescribe them to you.

By the way, welcome to Marriage Builders. You'll get plenty of help here.

I caught them pretty easily. It makes me think my H is not the criminal mastermind he would have to be in order to get around all of the evidence I have of his non-contact with her. Still, it is always possible.

She also has a blog online. One of her posts (sexual in nature) is about my H. I hate this on so many levels but mainly just what kind of person would put this out where their own children, husband or my children could see it? She has no conscience. No remorse. She is like a criminal who destroyed lives and not only didn't have any consequences, but is now gloating.

My H doesn't check out her FB page, but about once a week I investigate what she is doing online and she tries to send my husband subtle messages. A TV show they once liked, for example, she will post that she is watching.

We are talking today about the letter.

Tries to subtle messages how?

Is Facebook one of the avenues he carried on his affair?

Did he write the NC letter yet?

Well, we talked this morning and he is writing the letter. I gave him a few days to work on it as I don't want it to sound impulsive or forced. The deadline is Thursday.

Facebook is where the affair started! He seems totally oblivious to her little messages and I genuinely do not think he looks at her pages but she clearly hopes he does or will start or whatever.

Do you have a keylogger installed on the computer?
Keylogger Programs

Even if he deletes the history you will have all keystrokes and screen shots.

I will check it out. But couldn't I just set up his computer to let mine share a screen? We have the exact same laptops.

P

Not necessarily as covert as a key logger. And only effective while you happen to be watching

She should be blocked on FB so neither one of you could see her. The very best of us would give in to this temptation - your H will eventually. And she can't hurt you with her callous posts if she's removed from your lives in every way. Close these gates.

Great. Let's see what he comes up with. It needs to address his disrespect to you and his family, his desire to repair this damage, and his commitment to his marriage and NC for LIFE. Nothing else.

It is recommended to use the EXACT wording as the NCL posted to you. Do not be afraid to edit his letter accordingly.

That really hits home with me. Except that the OW in my own situation would passive aggressively interject herself into our life through my kids. She thought nothing of volunteering in my daughter's classroom at school and engaging my daughter in conversation and little gifts. She was comfortable spitting in my face while making it look innocent.

I called OW BH and told him that I expected NC for LIFE. I was shocked when his response was that he thought I was okay with OW volunteering in my daughters class and other events. I realized that it was up to ME to take control of my life because I could not count on OW to have any decency to do the right thing. We had to move and change the kids school.



My point here is that YOU need to take control. Talk to OW BH about your concerns with OW blog and explain NC for LIFE with him. You could do this when you deliver your WH's NCL.

Then take whatever measures you need to insure NC. That would include deleting facebook and finding a way to block her blog site on your computers and smartphones. You also need to go NC and stop looking at things that will only cause you pain.

Then start to create new memories and get OW out of your heads. MB has a great plan for doing this.

How terrible for you to have this woman in your life like that. It amazes me what some people are able to do with what looks like a clear conscience after causing so much pain. I really do not understand why the first impulse is not to try to make amends, apologize and vanish. I guess it takes a certain kind of person to get involved with someone who is married and that kind of person will apparently stop at nothing to become part of someone else's family (no matter how destructive).

You are exactly right - I need to take control here, of the things I can control or influence anyway. My H is going to write the letter, so that was a huge step in the right direction. I LOVE the idea of also writing the her BH at the same time and explaining NC. I am sure with her manipulative fake-therapist stuff she has convinced the poor guy that her self expression about sex with my H is healthy or acceptable. That is the way she is. Who knew when they were providing her psychological training that they were training a monster who would only use her skills to attempt to destroy families...ha ha okay, I am on a rant again.

Anyway, I can already see how much this NC letter is going to help us. Just my H agreeing to do it has helped us! Have most people here done the program that you purchase or...I want to do the MB program, just not sure of the best route through it.

That was all before I found MB and I had the misguided notion that I should just suck it up and be strong for my family. That was the worst thing I could do.

Waywards live in a fantasy world and are so deep in the fog that they have convinced themselves that it was justified. That is why exposure to people of influence in the waywards life is so powerful. It forces them to face reality and feel the consequences of their actions. Affairs thrive on secrecy.

Have you exposed the affair and her blog to her friends and parents?