If you will go through that thread, "start here first" and read all the links, come back here and we will help you with a strategy.

I will read those threads!!! And get back to u

Good man!!

Thank you for the enlightenment! Still devasted but I will read them for sure and be back to you very soon! I feel that your words were so significant I need to look deeper inside of me!!! Words can not express how much you opened my eyes! Sitting here crying trying to grasp one rational thought is impossible. Thank you and I'll be in touch very soon

You are not horrible person. Some of your past actions were horrible.

You were doing the best you could under the circumstances (not having the right skills).

Learn the skills.

Ok I have read all the links in that thread, the basic concepts and some Q/A that applied towards me. I lhave completely emptied my wife's love bank and she is deep in the red.

She is not being responsive to anything I suggest to help save this marriage. What can I do to fill her love bank up? Is it to late, has the damage already been done? What can I do to win her heart back for me?

What you can do is try and sell her on this program. Start by telling her that you have had a wake up call and do not want that old marriage back. Explain to her that you want to have a happy romantic marriage and you know how to get that. Tell her there is a step by step plan that is designed to restore the love to your marriage. Show her the article titled "How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage" and walk her through the basic concepts. It would be ideal if you could get her to read the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love by Dr Harley. I am pretty sure it is on kindle for PCs. This will give her a good idea about the program.

When you tell her this, explain that you know and understand you have treated her terribly and there is no excuse for your disrespect. Tell her that will not happen again, no matter how frustrated she is. [don't even mention any of her crimes]

Roll out this plan to her by giving her the marital problem anaysis worksheet, lovebuster worksheet and emotional needs worksheet. Ask her to fill those out for you as a start. That will give you a good idea of where your greatest problems lie. [these are all downloadable in the questionaire section]

She will have no motivation to do any of this at first and won't believe it is even possible. So it is up to you to tell her what you know about the program. You might even ask her to listen to one of the radio shows. And you should be listening to them too!

Don't get discouraged if she shoots you down on your first run. You can focus on doing things will prime the pump and soften her up.

Thank you!! I will try and have a discussion with her tonight. I will keep this forum updated!! Thanks again

I explained everything to her about the program and how I found a way for us to restore our love. I apologized and took full accountability of my actions with bringing up any hurt she has done to me. She said I'm sorry but it is over I haven't seen any change. I told her I have changed and it took me to loosing you to realize it.

It has only been a few weeks am I rushing? Or is really to late? I have changed my hours at work and currently work days so I can be home at night to help bath the kids and put them into bed. I have cleaned and maintained all household chores. Things that we have fought over in the past. What else can do at this point to make huge love bank deposits?

Owen, can you get your wife to do something enjoyable with you, alone? i.e., a date.

Failing that, can you get her to do something enjoyable with you and the kids?

I tried offering for us to go out and spend some time together she wanted nothing to do with it. I will try something tonight with the kids and see if she will be willing to do something. I'm not sure if she will. She keeps saying I haven't changed I don't know what else I can do to actually show her I had and that I lacked the skills when we had conflicts. What else can I do?

The thing to do is to KEEP trying. As MelodyLane said, "Don't get discouraged if she shoots you down on your first run." (Or second, or third, or fourth.) The important thing is to keep inviting her to spend time with you. I use that word "inviting," because it's very important for you to understand that this is her choice and to present it to her as her choice. She may accept or decline your invitation. When she finally accepts, she may change her mind. Keep inviting.

Call your wife from work today and say you were just checking to see how she is doing.

The call will be awkward and will not be pleasant for either one of you. She will probably resent it.

Then do it again tomorrow, and from now on.

Owen, I cannot even BEGIN to tell you how important and wonderful a resource the Marriage Builders radio show is for you if you want to turn your marriage around. For me in addition to all the books, paid coaching, and online seminar help from Marriage Builders, the daily help offered by the radio show has been invaluable. Indispensable. Irreplaceable. The radio show is what really helped show me on a daily basis just what I needed to do and change and keep doing, and is also what kept me motivated long enough.

I myself have been on the radio show twice and I listen every single day that I possibly can. I've been nearly all through the archives of old shows, and I'm listening to today's show right now as we speak. The radio show runs for an hour and then that hour reruns over and over again for 23 hours until the next new show, so you can listen any time.

Start listening NOW. And plan on listening daily for a few YEARS. It's like having a class taught by Dr. Harley every day. You need it.

You probably haven't even discovered all the things you need to change, yet. And even after you do it will probably take a long time of consistently demonstrating change before she accepts it.

That's okay. It still works, even if she doesn't believe it at first.

Owen, take a look at this:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html

Affection is an important emotional need for most wives. Start doing the 10 things Dr. Harley lists in that article - later on your wife may be more willing for you to meet her needs, and may have better suggestions for you. But for now - start doing these things.

She will probably actually be upset at you for meeting her emotional needs. That is okay. It still raises your balance in your account in her love bank. As that balance raises, her feelings toward you will rise from "hate" to "dislike" to "neutral" to "like" to "love," and her behavior will change accordingly.

If her response frustrates you, STAY CALM, and do not become demanding, disrespectful, or angry. Permit her to respond with her true feelings, which may not yet be what you are hoping to ultimately hear. You will make additional love bank deposits by permitting her to respond with her true feelings.

The Marriage Builders Radio show:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

I like the word inviting!! I will invite her to do something fun with the kids tonight.

I already called her today and had the conversation about change and the program. It was very uncomfortable! I will however call her tomorrow and ask how things are going for her at work. When I show your love and affection she has said it does make her have more resentment and wish that I would stop and let her be. However, I do respect her wishes at that particular time but keep trying again.

Good. Keep things light, and don't talk to her about the problems in the relationship all the time. Just see how she's doing. Let her talk. She probably won't talk much at first.


That is the way to do it.

Thank you Markos. I will read that article now and start listening to the radio show! Yes it has bothered her when I give her affection and she snaps at me. I have remained calm and kept my composure. Will keep this updated!!