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You're not going to be able to recover without full exposure. And I don't think its fair to leave your kids doing a guessing game either even if you do choose to split.
Your post reminds me of a friend who grew up with a wayward stepmother, who like your WW was quite indiscreet leaving stuff lying around. She always knew the sm had cheated on her dad, but the dad fondly imagined he was keeping it from the kids.
Your xwife is going to find out. The truth is inconvenient like that. You'll come off better if you manage the exposure yourself.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 5,860
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There are people who know in our family that I've told. I've told my brother, who is a pastor, and his wife. I've told my best friend, who was there for me during the troubles of my first maariage. Also the pastor of our church and of course the marriage counselor.
The kids know that there is serious trouble because we've told them we might break up. didnt say why, though. I'm hesitant to tell my 13 yo why because it would get back to my exwife. Anyway, until it's decided one way or the other if we stay together or not, I dont want to broadcast my business to the whole family. This weekend all 3 kids are at the ex's houses and my wife and I were able to sit down and talk for almost 3 straight hours. it was probably the most heart wrenching, honest conversation we'd ever had. both of us still feel the marriage probably wont survive, though.
As far as using devices like GPS, key loggers, etc, I've done that before. I used a VAR to catch my first wife. It sucked to hear what she said about me. I already know my current wife cheated. I don't want to go down that road again. ****edit**** a as your WW. You are lying to your kids. They can handle the truth. They need the truth. Telling 4 people is not exposing the affair. You want to kill WW then you must do a complete exposure. Because you did not like hearing the VAR in the past you have made up your mind to not catch this WW2. Your WW is banging the OM because you are not willing to fight. Just come to MB and vent. Venting does not get 'er done. Time to man up and fight not cry like a ..................
Last edited by IrishGreen; 09/28/13 06:23 PM. Reason: Against TOS
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Joined: Sep 2013
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@theRoad, I did come here to vent, get some advice. ***EDIT***
Last edited by Ariel; 09/28/13 07:41 PM. Reason: Do not bypass the profanity filter.
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Joined: Nov 2010
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There are people who know in our family that I've told. I've told my brother, who is a pastor, and his wife. I've told my best friend, who was there for me during the troubles of my first maariage. Also the pastor of our church and of course the marriage counselor.
The kids know that there is serious trouble because we've told them we might break up. didnt say why, though. I'm hesitant to tell my 13 yo why because it would get back to my exwife. Anyway, until it's decided one way or the other if we stay together or not, I dont want to broadcast my business to the whole family. This weekend all 3 kids are at the ex's houses and my wife and I were able to sit down and talk for almost 3 straight hours. it was probably the most heart wrenching, honest conversation we'd ever had. both of us still feel the marriage probably wont survive, though.
As far as using devices like GPS, key loggers, etc, I've done that before. I used a VAR to catch my first wife. It sucked to hear what she said about me. I already know my current wife cheated. I don't want to go down that road again. Who did you expose to on OM's side? Also, why are you worried about your XW finding out?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Dec 2007
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@theRoad, I did come here to vent, get some advice. ***EDIT*** ****edit**** See you just learned how to avoid the bad word censor. You are just like so many other BH's here before that failed at saving their marriage. They either were only paying lip service to trying to "save their marriage" so they can say they "tried" before they file for divorce. Or they are letting their fear of what WW might do. Your fear makes you figure having a WW that is still half in the marriage is better then her fully leaving. Well your WW is already ****edit**** her OM. So I have to ask you how is your WW going to top that to show you how you better not mess with her? I want to hear the answer to that question. You need to do more then vent. People that have been down the road before you and have seen more BH's here then they can remember. They know what you have to do. They are not advising you for fun, laughs, giggles, nor are they are bored and looking to kill time and amuse themselves. They are here to share what they have learned what works and does not work the hard way. They do not want to see the same mistakes over and over. I will not post to you any more. I will take my shovel and manure and leave.
Last edited by Ariel; 09/28/13 07:42 PM.
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Joined: Jul 2013
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Please help this poster with MB concepts and keep personal attacks out of it, or refrain from posting.
MBMod IrishGreen
MBIrishGreen@gmail.com
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
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I agree with TheRoad.
You need to do way more than vent. It's not a blog here after all. There are steps you must follow exactly.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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There's really no logical reason to stay in the marriage. Love maybe? I do love her, even though she wounded me deeply. That and I guess I don't want to put my kids and my stepson who lives with us through another divorce. I know my wife should have thought of this before everything happened.
As for what happened in her previous marriage, I really don't want to talk to xh about this. I'm pretty confident that my wife is telling the truth here. There was a serious lack of intimacy on the part of her husband for almost their entire marriage. My wife has shown me the journals she kept. The fact that she even has 3 children with her xh is amazing. Funny thing is about all this is that our intimate relationship, by far, is the strongest part of our marriage.
As far as installing key loggers,GPS on her phone, all this other stuff I won't do that. If it comes to that, and it probably has, I won't stay. I hate living like this, the constant checking up on my wife. CD, there is no reason for you to stay in the marriage if you don't wish to do so. You can it end today. That's your call. I just want to make a few comments, based on your posts: If you don't want to confirm the truth of your life with your WW, as far as electronic verification goes, you are on a slippery slope. You are giving her more trust - forever - than she deserves, especially after she has proved to you that she is NOT worthy of your trust. And you should know that this will be the case with ANY woman in your future. NO spouse should have the ability to have a secret second life that their spouse knows nothing about. That's just how it is. You WILL have to have total transparency with your spouse - whether it is your current spouse or any woman in the future. And that's not a horrible thing - anything I do is totally transparent to my husband, and vice-versa. We can check to confirm at any time. And there is NOTHING wrong with that. When the two of you married, you became One. You are checking on the health of your marriage, which involves you AND your wife. You need to get over this 'checking-up avoidance'. Do you not check on your bills, to make sure you are being billed correctly? Do you go online to check your checking and savings accounts, to make sure there are no errors? Why would you be more concerned with your bills and your money than you are with your marriage, which is the most important thing in your life? The fact that she even has 3 children with her xh is amazing. The fact that she has 3 children with her ex-husband tells me that she has played you with a false story of her prior marital life. Waywards do that. The ex is alway either psycho, dismissive, abusive, fill in the blank. I think you'll be very surprised if you talk to her ex.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
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To answer some of the questions posed to me, the OM was married and I contacted the wife and told her about the affair. My wife was not married when I met her. She had been divorced 3 years when we met. She did have an emotional affair when she and her ex-husband separated, but that wasnt the cause of her first divorce. What did the OM's wife have to say about the affair?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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