I like the idea of an alarm, and (regarding the emails in her thread) I can setup my accounts on her phone easily enough.

I/we are struggling with setting up UA time. She is just not ready to go out with me anywhere there are other people..women..that I might see. This severely limits the things we could do. We have been shopping and looked at a few houses together (thinking of moving). Each time I get questioned about what I thought about someone, or if I noticed someone else. I feel like I do a good job with redirecting my attention if I notice someone, or just surfing the shelves vs the horizon, and most importantly paying more attention to my wife. I really wish she would "watch me until I get boring" as someone has suggested so that she could see what I am doing or not doing and maybe that would help to ease her mind.

As it is now there will be no dinners, no bowling, no shopping, no dancing (not that I really dance anyhow), no museums, no festivals, no popular attractions, no enthusiastic agreement to go anywhere that there could be a female I might see.

I really want to move on from the things of the past, but to do that we need to make a new reality where those things from the past do not exist, and that is hard to do when all we have for UA time is IC, which can be great but I mostly suck at it, SF, and whatever activity we can think of in the increasingly colder, darker German outdoors....alone.

I had suggested taking long drives to remote little towns and going out to eat. For example, if you found a restaurant an hour away, you could have the drive there and back to spend some great time together.

I have been researching some places we could go for dinner and there are some great places close enough...could do a week of dates and end up in a different country almost every time.

But just like today I am basically petrified with worry that our conversation will be plagued with anger, disrespect, and demands. This happens so often and I feel stuck. What do I do when nearly every conversation turns bad? These things have always been conversation killers for me and with what we have learned here it has made it even worse because I see how damaging they are. I know we are just supposed to change the topic to something pleasant, but I struggle with that as much as she does, she gets angry, I shut down so we get nowhere.

You both have to commit to the following things:

1. no lovebusters - NONE

2. no gawking at women

There can be NO anger, no disrespect and no demands. Both of you have to be pleasant or it defeats the purpose. Will she commit to that?

Jeger, as someone who is married to someone that used to be very angry and disrespectful in the way she communicated, one thing you can do is to create a boundary rather than go into silent mode. If she gets snappy, tell her you feel she is snapping at you. If she is raising her voice, tell her you will talk to her when she lowers her voice. It is perfectly fine for you to say you feel she is being verbally aggressive.

I think I can learn to do those things..I really hate confrontation especially with my wife, I will try to avoid it in a more productive manner...this will not be an easy thing for me.

Another problem I have is that I am terrible at returning to a conversation, It seems that as soon as my mind goes to something else I lose most of my recollection of what we were just talking about. This is very frustrating to my wife because I have a very good memory for other things (usually technically related). Anyone out there have tips to help in this area?

Conflict avoidance doesn't help a marriage at all, but it's a natural behavior when conflict results in fights.

Using Marriage Builders, though, you can learn to resolve your conflicts without fights, in a way that makes you both happy at the end. Then you won't feel like avoiding it so much!

But you have to plunge in: radical honesty, policy of joint agreement, eliminate love busters.


If you will give your wife the 15+ hours of undivided attention that Dr. Harley recommends, you will probably find that she is more tolerant at other times when you get distracted. Give her those 15 hours, and make sure there aren't any distractions: no children, no friends, no electronic devices.

Oh I don't mind conflict. Conflict is going to happen. It is the confrontation that usually comes with it that is the problem...unfortunately the way I have avoided the confrontation usually results in avoiding the conflict as well... Either way MB principles should get us where we want to go.

This is exactly why UA time is so important. Most people get distracted - if there are distractions! The easiest thing to do is eliminate the distractions.

Your relationship is really crying out for this. Without these hours you aren't linked to each other.

I don't see any urgency to plan in this UA time. I know lovebusters and some logistical problems have deterred you, but please get on this.

Working on lovebusters together counts as UA time. For the rest: pack a picnic, go somewhere remote and pledge to talk about pleasant things.

Talk about childhood stories, favourite films, dreams for the future. Make an agreement for it to be OK for one of you to say 'Can we not talk about that?'.

This should keep UA conversation pleasant and keep you both feeling in control of it. Another reason is because you need to listen to each other's input about what is enjoyable conversation.

So with the POJA how do you surprise someone with something like a gift? Talk and come to agreement but don't do it until they have forgotten about it? Limit yourself to things that can be undone?

Also, what do you do when there is a deadline on something that has consequences if you do not take action, and you cannot come to an agreement on the issue before that deadline?

Well if there's a deadline, then obviously a agreement has to be made of suffer the consequences.

My wife and I don't POJA gifts. We agree to a spending budget.

I don'tknow about the fforgotten thing. Provide an example

Gifts:

My advice would be - find out what gifts does she like/not like. What parameters are agreed? If you need some guidance on type or budget, ask her. Is gift giving something you have done well tradionally?

I know my mother bans any domestic item gifts. Anything else is fine as she likes my dad's taste. She can always take stuff back no hard feelings. That is their PoJA arrangement.

Deadlines:

No PoJA means no action is taken. So I guess you would miss out on the thing with a deadline.

Missing out on non PoJAd things is good though.

If you don't want to go to a concert which your wife does, its fine if it sells out because you have not agreed it.

If you want a house which she does not, its better you miss the boat on that.

What is the deadline for?