BrainHurts,

My situation/answers will not help your situation.

Do you feel some sort of kinship with My W and TheRoads W? A virtual minimal details club perhaps.

God Bless
Gamma

I answered ALL my H questions and held nothing back.

That is why my situation would not help yours. We never talk about the affairs ever again. We've moved past that.

BH,

That is why my situation would not help yours.

Perhaps you have something relevant, what was it made you feel you should or could tell your H the truth. How did you overcome your shame/embarrassment/fear?

I might not be able to reply, if you respond, until Monday or so.

God Bless
Gamma

"I answered all my H's questions and "held nothing back" is a non answer.


If your BH asked for minimum detail, and you held nothing back then you gave very little detail.

If your BH asked for medium detail then you held nothing back means you gave a medium level of detail.

If your BH asked for maximum detail then you held back nothing means you held back nothing because you gave every detail.

BH/MLjr, What level of detail did your BH go for?

I'm curious as to why this matters?

Everyone is different. If BrainHurts BH didn't want to know all of the details of her A, will it suddenly make you not want to know the details of your WW's A?

I don't think that's how it works. So how would her answer help your situation?

For what it's worth, my H didn't want very many details. He didn't really ask many questions. He was much more concerned with working on our marriage than he was finding out every last detail of the A. But we did talk about it and he has never said that he has unanswered questions or that he would like to know more.

BH/MLjr, What level of detail did your BH go for?

I'm curious as to why this matters?

Everyone is different. If BrainHurts BH didn't want to know all of the details of her A, will it suddenly make you not want to know the details of your WW's A?


No.


I don't think that's how it works. So how would her answer help your situation?


Curious to how deep in detail (me knowing the actual details is not my goal, that is why I use words as a little, medium, everything to help get a picture) she told and how much detail the BH wanted. Then knowing the level of detail would lead to questions. Did she regret telling the amount that she did? If she could of told more does she regret not revealing more or happy that she did not have to reveal all to her BH?

Did her BH regret asking for the level of detail that he did? Did he ever wish he had asked for more detail then asked for or rather had asked for less or even not asked at all?


For what it's worth, my H didn't want very many details. He didn't really ask many questions. He was much more concerned with working on our marriage than he was finding out every last detail of the A. But we did talk about it and he has never said that he has unanswered questions or that he would like to know more.


Over the years I have read WW's that were worried about that their BH would not talk about the affair. These WW's wanted to recover their marriages very much and were prepared to tell all about their affair to their BH. They were worried that their BH not asking questions would not allow recovery to take place.

What these WW did not know that for some BH that knowing the affair was over. That NC was in place. That the WW was not going to leave them was all their BH needed to know. That not every BH had to know everything about the affair.

W1, I ask because I do not remember did your BH upon dday want to divorce you or did he want to recover?

Writer1,

For what it's worth, my H didn't want very many details.

That's always worrisome when I hear about a BH who doesn't as for details, I think in many of those cases the BH internalizes the pain and moves on wounded but in denial of his wounds. I kinda think of it as "swallowing the grenade" rather than throwing it at OM.

God Bless
Gamma

If you can't get the details you think you need, that your FWW's aren't coming clean and you can't even really consider restoring the marriage without it, then start the process of separation. The only one making you live in limbo misery is yourself. Every day that you blame your wife for the misery you're in because she won't do what you feel is the right thing is another day the blame shifts more to you.

Why are you worrying about someone who can successfully put the past behind them and live happily in the present?

Obsessing on an affair produces an insatiable need. Even if the BS had videos of the entire affair, that would not be enough. Then, the BS would want to know the details of what the APs were thinking. Then there's why they would think that way, and then there is why they didn't think another way, etc.,etc.

Don't worry for those who have moved on, rather, seek to join them.

I disagree.

A BH is not in denial. He knows his WW had an affair. He does not ask because even though he can say to himself did my WW do this, that, or whatever. By not knowing he can let the image pass quickly because it is hard to keep the mind focused on what of might happened. The BH knowing what happened makes it harder to not think about it and forget. Though with time the BH does forget and the recalls and triggers happen less and pass as quickly as they were recalled.

This BH is right to not want to be able to know that much. It is what is right for him. He is not in any denial. He knows his WW banged the OM. He knows that his WW most likely did everything that she did for him she for the OM. He does not need to have what he suspects most likely happened confirmed.

The thing is with the BH that can not stop trying to put the pieces together. The BH trying to get the whole story because him not knowing everything that happened he will never move on to the next phase in recovering. That BH then has to have every detail.

Basically Dr Harley say's that knowing the truth that the WW had an affair, how long the affair lasted, how the affair ended is enough. Knowing more will make forgetting the affair harder.

Though by not knowing what a BH wants to know. Leaves him stalled constantly thinking about the affair. Constantly reexamining the few pieces of evidence that the BH posses forever trying to figure out all the missing pieces. So the BH is left daily thinking about what happened 10, 20, 30+ years ago.

We both want to stay married.
She is trying to wait out my need to know against her need to not tell.

My BH never wanted a divorce. He wanted to recover the marriage.

My case was unusual in that I told my BH about the affair almost immediately. Then, I spent six months waffling back and forth trying to decide if I wanted to stay or leave to be with the OM. I suppose my BH was in some form of Plan A during this time (he'd read a little on MB but not much, so probably not a textbook Plan A). But he was definitely committed to recovering the marriage during this time. Even after I told him I was pregnant with OC, he never wavered. I think his complete and total commitment to saving our marriage was what eventually brought me around and made me end the A.

But we've had plenty of struggles since then. We've always had difficulty getting in the necessary UA time and meeting each other's EN's. There are still a lot of needs not being met. Sometimes I wonder if we'll be a work in progress for the rest of our lives.

But the A's (both his and mine) rarely come up anymore. I am a firm believer in not constantly dredging up the past once you have committed to recovering your marriage.

Gamma,

Have you taken a look at the Personal History Questionnaire here?

I absolutely do understand your need for historical honesty in your marriage, but you really are going about getting it the wrong way. I hope you will consider using Marriage Builders concepts towards reaching your goal.

Mrs. W

Did she tell you she had a need to not tell or is this a DJ?

That was not an exact quote of my wife stating her position. I can not quote her exact words on not wanting to talk about what happened. I can say that her meaning the last time I brought up the past was that she refuses to talk about what happened.

I can not rest being left in the dark and she can rest leaving me in the dark. She wants me to forget the past. She said she has forgotten all about it.

The little of the story that she has told has changed enough times so how do I know that she does not remember now?

Also with me able to remember what she has told me in the past then calling her on that is not they way the story went the last time she told it.

Has it left her now not wanting to talk about what happened in the past is because she does not remember the damage control story that she originally gave?

Thus is she wanting to avoid getting caught lying while she trickled truth me?

The past is alive because not knowing keeps me wondering with the little information that I have what is the rest of the story.

TR, as MrsW says about Gamma, I fully understand your need to know what went on in your marriage. I don't think you are at all wrong for persisting in trying to get the details. Not knowing even who OM was is unacceptable, and it is unacceptable for your wife to decide what you do or do not need to know about your own life.

What I don't understand is why you ask the particular questions you ask of the FWW here. How are you hoping to use the information, should you ever get it, about how much they remember and how much they divulged? How are you intending to use this to change your own situation?

Like I said, you are choosing to stay in a marriage when you aren't getting the truth you need. The suggested next step is a separation (during which you ARE still married), but you choose not to do so. You are choosing to stay in a marriage that isn't recovering, and so is Gamma.

I think both of you have situations where Dr. Harley could help you if you wrote the radio show.

With my wife changing her story. It showed me that she was not truthful. If every WW her on MB can remember every single detail then I should expect my wife to be able to remember every thing. If every WW on MB can not even remember anything then it would seem that my wife can not remember anything.

I need a comparison point. If most WW can recall 90% of what happened then chances are my wife should recall 90%. At this point I refuse to believe that my wife can not remember anything.

Maybe my wife confused never thinking about the past, being able to keep it blocked out, is the same as not being able to recall the truth if she tried. Also that can be her spin into damage control to "claim that she does not remember" is that she never voluntary recalls or triggers about the past.

Unfortunately to many people talk as politicians these days.

I do not need the WW's here to tell me everything that happened in their affair. Though in general terms them sharing how much they told their BH's gives me a basis on how much they truly remembered.

Also gaining insight on how important was finding out for their BH's about the affair was for their BH's.

TR, women have better memories than men concerning things of an emotional nature. I'm pretty sure Dr Harley has mentioned or alluded to this fact numerous times in his articles and their radio show...My opinion? WWs remember.

Here's an excerpt from a quick search. Google is your friend btw

Long Term Memory in Women

...A study published in the journal Current Directions in Psychological Science showed evidence that women had better long-term episodic memories. These are the types of memories such as events. Women tend to remember events based on verbal cues, whether written or spoken. Women would also be more likely to remember parties and functions associated with emotion...

Do you think your fww is faithful now? Are EPs in place? Do you want to remain married?
If so; I would leave this thing alone if I were you...good luck to you.

But isnt' that an exercise in futility if you don't plan on doing anything about it?