Also, that hotel has an awesome spa and salon. I was pleasantly surprised because I wasn't expecting to find a spa of that quality in that hotel. They have facials, massages, etc. Would she like something like that?

Why not go away for the weekend now? Kick start recovery.

You got all up close and cosy with your wife as a direct result of the 20 hours you put in last week. Just think how many hours you could get in during a weekend away.

It would be really romantic to take her away without the expectation of sex too. Just for fun and because you want to be with her. You could go now, make loads of great memories at the start of your 'new marriage' and then revisit those memories next spring.

It would be difficult right now. In two weeks we are spending the weekend at her friends lake cottage, but the kids are going with us. I have to work every other weekend so my next chance would be early Nov. I also coach my daughters basketball team so that takes time away from UA, but my wife attends all the games and does not want me to stop coaching, nor do I. We agreed that we will work on spending time together, but that we can work around the basketball season. I also host a basketball tournament in March that my wife helps me with and we plan it together.

We are trying our best to put the focus on us, without spending too little time with the children.

A weekend away with her does sound wonderful .

Great place. When we dropped the kids at Kanakuk for Christian Sports Camp, we would often stay there.

Good choice!

Early Nov is fine: its quite soon, and asking her to go now meets an affection need and its something pleasant and interesting to talk about between now and then.

However I'm a bit concerned that you're not getting in all that much UA time between now and then.



I missed this.

15 hours is not enough. That's to MAINTAIN romantic love.

You need closer to 25-30 after an affair. When you are back where you should be Dr H recommends 15 hours UA time, 15 hours family time. That's why HNHN is the wrong book for you.



Your children need you to put the romantic relationship right first. That is their bedrock.

I bet your children would be delighted to hear you are going to spend some time together.

One of the reasons for exposure to all is so that people will help and support you. You need everyone to rally around and cover for you during this very vulnerable time.

In fact I've heard Dr H recommend a few weeks away to kick start recovery.

I find it a bit alarming that there are so many priorities ahead of time together at the weekend. If this is your schedule at a time of crisis, you're both bound to slip into bad habits and busy schedules again as soon as things feel more settled.

I'd recommend wiping your schedule clean for a bit while you form new habits. Get someone else to stand in for coaching for a while. There's nothing stopping you both going to the games or going back to it later on. Ask the friends if they will babysit or take a rain check for another time (if they're close friends, they'll know why, right?)

Get the UA time in first. Get used to a whole new schedule where UA time is concreted in your diaries before anything else.

The idea is to fit family time, other activities and friends in AFTER you have prioritised UA time. Not tucking UA time in around the corners of a busy life where other things are the priority.

I can see why your wife likes your coaching your daughter. She clearly has a high FC need. However you can go back to that later. You need to concentrate on the four intimate needs for now.

Are your employers the kind who would give you some slack if you needed time to deal with things at home?

On all the great advice I have booked a 4 day weekend starting Nov 1. Although I would have loved to take her to the Crescent it was just too far away. We will be staying in a cabin in southern indiana. She is exicted about the trip. My parents have agreed to keep the kids.

SEJ3,

What indiegirl has told you is EXACTLY right -- Please listen to her. All of the other stuff on your schedule is not even close to as important as your marital relationship. Prioritizing superfluous activities ahead of it is a huge mistake. Think of your marriage as the foundation for all of these other things -- Right now your foundation is shaky -- as though it is sitting upon sand -- without a secure foundation everything falls. Secure your foundation FIRST. Build it upon a rock -- without that, everything else will fall apart.

Mrs. W

That is a great thing, but you must carve out more time together between now and then too. Don't put your marriage on the back burner thinking you can make up for lost time "later".

Mrs. W

Question? To give you some more background, before the affair my wife had pretty much checked out leaving me to do most of the housework(cooking, cleaning, homework with kids, baths etc). But since then I come home to a clean house and supper on the table. My wife helps the kids with their homework and helps with their baths.

She seems to be her old self except for the kissing and sex, which she assures me will return if I can just be patient.

I have found no evidence of her breaking the NC rule. I worry this is all to good to be true. The affair ended in April, with one contact again in August-when the entire truth finally surfaced. Her email to him at that time read "I have been wanting to call you all summer but thought it best if I didn't." This email prompted me to call the OM's wife and the next day all was exposed. My wife has seemed remorseful since this day of discovery.

Is this typical of someone who so selfishly put our family at risk? As you would expect I am very suspicious of everything now.

P.s. indiegirl and mrsW are exactly right. It is critically important to the recovery of your marriage that you get some good, solid UA time in. The program does not work without it and I assure you she will not feel intimate with you unless you do.

Please take a minute and go read this article: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8120_sex.html

Thank you, I fear we may be facing a sexual aversion. I will try to discuss it with her tonight.

I'd ask her if she is enthusiastic about doing these things and why she wasn't enthusiastic before.

There's a domestic support questionnaire on here somewhere which makes sure the tasks are shared out equally and that each person avoids doing the doing the things they hate most or avoids doing things they see as pointless. It causes a build up of resentment and as your wife has a tendency to be 'dutiful' on the surface and build up resentment below, I'd double check.

However since you use the phrase 'checked out' I'd hazard a guess her needs went unmet (did you spend very little time together then?) which can cause depression and withdrawal. Now you are spending time together she's perked up.



Keep snooping. Get all your spyware into place and don't inform her what your spyware is. All she needs know is that you require her entire life to be an open book to you.

The more you snoop and see nothing, the more you will see that she is genuinely earning your trust.

I don't see any particular alarm bells to be worried about. Exposure tends to have this sort of dramatic u-turn effect. Add in the fact you are meeting more needs now and more UA time, it makes sense that her mood is different.

Suspicion is good. The old blind trust of the past is dead and gone and from now on you will operate under the 'trust but verify' mode instead.

That can be overcome!! Check this out: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

This is exactly what I thought when I read his comment. She sounded very depressed. And SEJ, you should know that when women are depressed it is almost always because of their marriage.

We talked about this last night, she says her entire life she has fought depression and I showed her the sexual aversion link on here which she read and highlighted for me. We both agree that this is where she is at. She says that early in our marriage that I would get mean when she would not have sex with me. I remember feeling frustrated and withdrawing from her when she we would refuse sex. The subject of sex has been an issue for several years in our marriage. I told her I was not trying to be mean and that what she was seeing was not anger, but hurt.

I have assured her that I will give her time. She promises to take steps to work through the aversion again asking me to be patient.

She is also going to ask her doctor about some additional medication for her depression, she has taken cymbalta for the last few years.

The link for aversion is well written for the person who actually has the aversion, but do you have any advice for the one that is not only hurt knowing sex was something she could so freely give to the OM but not her husband. I was already frustrated with the amount and quality of sex before the affair and now it is even more painful knowing she would prefer not to sleep with me.

SE, you've been such a gentleman of late, I'd own up to what you did here as a gentleman.

Yes you were hurt, and human beings, when hurt get tempted to be actively hurtful in their behaviour. You made a decision to be hurtful. A Selfish Demand is when you expect something to happen and punish when it does not. Punishment can take the form of making a cold, unpleasant atmosphere for the person being punished. If you own up to what you did here, it will make her feel a whole lot better than your dismissing it as being 'hurt' - as that does not cover your decision to be hurtful. It implies you would do the same again next time your feelings get hurt.

When you get your copy of SAA, you will read that Sue and John's marriage went south shortly after he stopped spending much UA time with her. His needs of PA, RC and SF did not need as much time as her need for conversation and affection, so he felt all was fine.

They go out after not seeing each other for a while one night for a romantic meal. They would usually have SF after a night out, and Sue is alarmed to discover she has no desire. She does not confess this to John and instead fakes desire and loses her opportunity to share this warning signal with him.

When you get the book, I'd read through this part with your wife. I'd reassure her that you would now regard any future loss of desire as a USEFUL and early warning signal and that you would appreciate her sharing this useful barometer of hers with you.

Of course it never will happen because you're never going to let that happen with UA time, are you?