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I. Bringing the affair out in the open like this propelled you into a new level of recovery where you are not in fierce competition with a fantasy.
Yes!
Originally Posted by Neak
Set your DD an example of being affectionate to WW, without trying to force her to resume normal interactions when she's not ready. You can make it clear to the kids that you're still being affectionate because you love WW and want to see the family restored, not because you've already forgotten what she did.
Encourage them to ask questions - they'll come up with some doozies!
Whenever WW tries to cast this up on you, reverse babble to her.
Example:
WW: You've ruined everything - you're so selfish! You: Yes, having an A is very selfish. Did you hear the latest about the government shutdown?
WW: I was thinking about staying with you, but because of what YOU did, I'm finished! You just ruined everything!!! You: You're right - adultery does ruin everything. Have you tried the new kind of cookies I just got?
Reverse babble is a response to fog that consists of 2 parts. First, you agree with the WS in a way that turns their own words back around on them, and then you toss out an innocuous distraction. Edible distractions are my favorite. With a little practice, it gets easier.
Do this exactly.
And for what it's worth, exposure never made your DD pick sides or love you more. She loves her mother very much - that's why she is so annoyed with her. Your DD's reactions to exposure are very normal and shows she knows the difference between right and wrong.
Nine times out of ten this is the exposure reaction we see from children. One time there was a teenage girl who blamed her betrayed mother and told the serial WH and his OW they had her support! I think that was a case where a serial wayward cheat had shown his daughter such a bad example for so long, she didn't know good from bad any more.
Luckily your little girl is a tender and moral person who just needs time to process this.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
Sorry, I wasn't viewing this as exposure. I thought she was fessing up to what she did.
I agree, if it's exposure, then yes, it's on him.
I misunderstood.
I was raised if you do something wrong, you confess to those you hurt. You don't wait until someone else outs you.
Sadly, it seems few others were raised in this fashion.
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Enlightened_Ex
So you BOTH tell them.
It would be even so much better if she told the kids that she had an inappropriate relationship with another man and apologized to both them and you for her selfish, hurtful behavior.
She doesn't have to go into details. She just has to own up to the fact that she put another man before their father and that she has ended that relationship and is remorseful for the hurt and peril she has created by her actions.
Just so you know, Dr Harley doesn't recommend that the wayward spouse be there during exposure. It causes needless tension and often leads to fights. Exposure should be done by the BS, not the WS.
I am ordering SAA today. I know the recovery is going to take a long time, but if last night was any indication my WW is starting to see things differently. She wanted to actually talk about things last night and started taking responsibilty for her actions. She was more affectionate towards me and the kids and it seems to have carried over into today. She once again told me she is willing to do whatever it takes to make our marriage work and show me how deeply sorry she is for the hurt she caused. I know this is going to be a lot of work, but hearing that she is ready to buckle down and work in this gives me hope. I will need more actions than words at this point. My oldest asked her why she would want a boyfriend when Dad loves her. My wife responded that she doesn't and that she acted very selfishly and will work hard to make it up to all of us. My daughter did not seem to buy it. But at least they are talking.
She was bound to see it differently after seeing it through her children's eyes.
Don't we all? I became a much better person after I became an aunt, after I began volunteering in a school. I didn't want to let the kids down by being a poor role model.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
I am ordering SAA today. I know the recovery is going to take a long time, but if last night was any indication my WW is starting to see things differently. She wanted to actually talk about things last night and started taking responsibilty for her actions.
That is great! I would also pick up the workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love. It is cheap [$11] and it has worksheets and lessons in it. It also has the undivided attention worksheet in the back that you can make copies of.
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My oldest asked her why she would want a boyfriend when Dad loves her. My wife responded that she doesn't and that she acted very selfishly and will work hard to make it up to all of us. My daughter did not seem to buy it. But at least they are talking.
Bravo to your little girl! Little girls are MURDER on affairs! WE had one recent little girl who snatched her father's phone and would search through it to make sure he had not called the OW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Bravo to your little girl! Little girls are MURDER on affairs! WE had one recent little girl who snatched her father's phone and would search through it to make sure he had not called the OW.
After I cancelled my wife's Facebook account my then 12 year old daughter refused to give my wife her Facebook password because she knew my wife was using it to look at POSOM.
BH: 46 FWW: 44 3 DD: 20,17,11 Married 24 years PA/EA: 5/08 DDay: 6/08 NC: 8/08 Previous EA 1998 confessed 8/08 In Recovery
Bravo to your little girl! Little girls are MURDER on affairs! WE had one recent little girl who snatched her father's phone and would search through it to make sure he had not called the OW.
After I cancelled my wife's Facebook account my then 12 year old daughter refused to give my wife her Facebook password because she knew my wife was using it to look at POSOM.
That is hilarious!! We had a poster several years ago named MrSteve. His WW, a lifetime serial cheater, was flagrant about her affairs and used to run around all night. MrSteve just could not even confront her. Well.....his 18 year old daughter got fed up with that nonsense, packed the mother's bags and kicked her out!! That was the end of that. The last I heard they were divorced and the daughter refused to see the mother or even allow her to set foot in the house.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
That is hilarious!! We had a poster several years ago named MrSteve. His WW, a lifetime serial cheater, was flagrant about her affairs and used to run around all night. MrSteve just could not even confront her. Well.....his 18 year old daughter got fed up with that nonsense, packed the mother's bags and kicked her out!! That was the end of that. The last I heard they were divorced and the daughter refused to see the mother or even allow her to set foot in the house.
You are all right my daughter is wonderful and thank you for the advice.
Latest update. The lack of intamacy still weighs heavy on my mind. My wife is still unable to kiss me. When it comes to sex she says she understands my need and had offered a schedule where we had sex every Tuesday and Saturday. Thinking about some of the advice I received on here I told her last night that I thought we should wait until the spark returned and I did not want sex out of some sense of responsibilty. She seemed so relieved and asked me to be patient, but she knows the feeling will come back.
We did not have sex, but she offered me a back rub and we slept very close to each other all night. Although I very much wanted to have sex with my wife, I felt closer to her without it last night. I am afraid that the sex will not return and I am worried that this will keep us in what has been a sexless marriage(less than once a month before her schedule was implemented). Did I do the right thing?
I want our marriage to change and for us to be close again, but knowing she desired another man and not me is almost unbearable and to give up the schedule even though I knew her heart was not in it was still very difficult for me.
She seemed so relieved and asked me to be patient, but she knows the feeling will come back.
You are a clever man SE!!!
Originally Posted by SEJ3
We did not have sex, but she offered me a back rub and we slept very close to each other all night. Although I very much wanted to have sex with my wife, I felt closer to her without it last night. I am afraid that the sex will not return and I am worried that this will keep us in what has been a sexless marriage
Not at all. It's natural for women to want the emotional bond first, before sex. The courting has to be done all over again, but since she is willing to bond and be close and emotional and with you, there is no reason she cannot be courted.
To be honest SE, you are doing such a good job of courting her, being patient and respectful that I would be astonished if she does not rediscover her passion.
She is also aware that the sex has to come back and is working with you to spark a genuine need. That's great.
To be honest I wouldnt rush it at all. You have time. Even when she starts kissing you, I'd draw it out for a bit and just kiss for a while. That drives most women nuts.
Just concentrate on getting the UA time in and meeting the top needs you can both meet enthusiastically. I'd put a big focus on conversation, recreational fun and affection. I'd replace SF for now with flirting, just as you would on an early date with a nice girl. Let it be known that you find her sexy and attractive with subtle comments and without pushing her.
You're doing great.
Last edited by indiegirl; 10/09/1304:54 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
We did not have sex, but she offered me a back rub and we slept very close to each other all night. Although I very much wanted to have sex with my wife, I felt closer to her without it last night. I am afraid that the sex will not return and I am worried that this will keep us in what has been a sexless marriage(less than once a month before her schedule was implemented). Did I do the right thing?
I am marveling at how smart you played this. You see, by having sex with her before you were actually making her LESS enthusiastic about sex. By allowing her to do this on her terms, you are actually creating an environment where she will WANT to have sex with you.
The key is the UA time. Do you know about this and are you going on dates with her? The closer you get to her emotionally, the more in love she will be. And when a woman is in love, she likes to make love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Yes we are going on one date each week, and have lunch together everyday. I make it a point to leave the office and have lunch at home so we can spend that time together. We also have our 15 hrs prescheduled for the week, which we do every Sunday as it says in HNHN. Last week we actually spent more like 20 hrs UA and this week we have all Friday night together, the kids are staying with their grandmother. My wife loves scary movies and ghost stories so I have planned a trip to a local haunted house, not my cup of tea but not something I will despise either. I really want her to have a good time with me, so she can start remembering that we have enjoyed many goodtimes in the past.
Can you increase that to 4 dates per week? Going out on dates is immensely more effective than UA time spent at home. When a couple is not in love it is way too tempting to find something more interesting to do when you are at home. UA time should be spent in 2 to 3 hour blocks meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs.
Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
When I apply the fifteen-hour principle to marriages, I usually recommend that the time be evenly distributed throughout the week, two to three hours each day. When time must be bunched up -- all hours only on the weekend -- good results are not as predictable. Spouses need to be emotionally reconnected almost on a daily basis to meet each other's most important emotional needs.
Another very effective tactic is going on vacations together. Is there a way you could take her on a romantic vacation?
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I have planned a trip to a local haunted house, not my cup of tea but not something I will despise either. I really want her to have a good time with me, so she can start remembering that we have enjoyed many goodtimes in the past.
That is a great idea! It primes the pump, so to speak.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
My wife loves scary movies and ghost stories so I have planned a trip to a local haunted house, not my cup of tea but not something I will despise either
Would she like a weekend at a nice old haunted hotel? I love that kind of stuff. My H and I spent our anniversary at an old haunted hotel in Eureka Springs, Arkansas. They also have a ghost tour every night. Would she like something like that? http://www.crescent-hotel.com/
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
I am sure she would love that. Thank you for the link. We have our 10 year anniversary coming next spring, it would be awesome if she would agree to renew our vows at this hotel. That is if things progress the way I hope.
I am sure she would love that. Thank you for the link. We have our 10 year anniversary coming next spring, it would be awesome if she would agree to renew our vows at this hotel. That is if things progress the way I hope.
What about doing something sooner? Like a weekend vacation with her someplace close by? Your marriage needs that boost now.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
Bravo to your little girl! Little girls are MURDER on affairs! WE had one recent little girl who snatched her father's phone and would search through it to make sure he had not called the OW.