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The link for aversion is well written for the person who actually has the aversion, but do you have any advice for the one that is not only hurt knowing sex was something she could so freely give to the OM but not her husband. I was already frustrated with the amount and quality of sex before the affair and now it is even more painful knowing she would prefer not to sleep with me. There is no need to be hurt regarding her past pre-A aversion. It was something she simply could not avoid. Her sex drive is not like yours, it needs fuel. Her car was in working order and all waiting for you to drive it, so to speak, it just never got fuelled up enough to go anywhere. Of course her desire during the A is something she COULD avoid and you are right to be hurt she did this. She allowed someone else to fuel her and that was awful. That is something she can never take back or undo. it is even more painful knowing she would prefer not to sleep with me. I dont think that is true. I think she wants the desire to return and to have fulfilling sex with you. I think she looks forward to her fuel tank being filled up and her car going to fun places with you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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She has told me the same thing, that she knows I will respond differently than I did in the past, but yet she still has the old feelings when the subject of sex comes up. She tells me she sees how hard I am working on repairing our marriage, and I have been. I told her I refuse to return to the marriage we had pre-affair and that our new marriage must be full of love, respect, and a desire to meet each others needs. She says she agrees.
I have felt rejected for so long because she would not desire sex, and I was totally unaware that I may have caused her aversion. I could not understand why she just didn't seem to want me.
I honestly want to help her get through this, I just wish Dr.Harley would provide more advice to the spouse without the aversion. What is the best way to be supportive of her while I feel physical pain inside knowing she currently can't connect with me in this way. No matter how hard I try, I keep thinking about her actively wanting sex with the OM but avoiding it with me. This is a great source of hurt for me, but I try to tell myself to keep focusing on what she needs and things will be ok.
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No matter how hard I try, I keep thinking about her actively wanting sex with the OM but avoiding it with me. This is a great source of hurt for me, but I try to tell myself to keep focusing on what she needs and things will be ok. It's not real, you know. Affairees are like two cocaine addicts who are out of their minds on a false high. They tell each other the silliest stuff and they don't mean a word of it. Similarly the SF, well it's just done on a short term chemical high without any real desire at all. The brain chemistry is completely whacked. Go and read the ironically named Gentleman X's post about his 'heartfelt letter ' posted on the SAA forum if you don't believe me. That is a man who once persuaded a good woman to marry him and now his brain is mush. Every wayward we speak to here sounds drunk. The OM in the A got your wife while she was drunk, that's all. That doesn't make it any less revolting, I understand. I just want you to realise that you and she will build the real deal and that the A was not true desire but an abomination.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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We both agree that this is where she is at. She says that early in our marriage that I would get mean when she would not have sex with me. I remember feeling frustrated and withdrawing from her when she we would refuse sex. The subject of sex has been an issue for several years in our marriage. I told her I was not trying to be mean and that what she was seeing was not anger, but hurt. I am sure that had a lasting effect on her and has a great deal to do with her aversion. She came to associate your mean behavior with sex. The fact that you were not "trying to be mean" doesn't mean you weren't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I honestly want to help her get through this, I just wish Dr.Harley would provide more advice to the spouse without the aversion. What is the best way to be supportive of her while I feel physical pain inside knowing she currently can't connect with me in this way. No matter how hard I try, I keep thinking about her actively wanting sex with the OM but avoiding it with me. This is a great source of hurt for me, but I try to tell myself to keep focusing on what she needs and things will be ok. The only thing you can do is meet the ENs that she is letting you meet. I know this is hard for you but you have to have to get over the fact that she was willing to have sex with OM. It happened. IMO there is a silver lining here. The fact that she was willing with OM means that she doesn't likely have any underlying chemical reasons behind her aversion. It's truly unfortunate that you have to put one of your ENs away for a while when she was the wayward, but those are the facts in your case. Don't bring it up until she's ready. Even the physical affection you show should not be overtly sexual. Hugs, kisses, back/neck rubs, hand holding, snuggling are all fine but she has to know you aren't trying to go further. Does she appreciate public displays of affection? Do these at the grocery store. When she's ready to get back in to SF, don't get all "yes! this is going to be great!". You have to treat her first and make sure she gets the F in SF. Otherwise it's about you.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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SEJ3, I want to give you some hope, because you are headed towards a marriage where your needs are met and her needs are met. There is a thread over on MB101 started by a woman who had this same issue, a sexual aversion. In a short period of time, she overcame the aversion using Dr Harley's suggestions.
And the more undivided attention time you get every week, the FASTER your wife will be in love with you. So you can't afford to slack at all in that department.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can you help me find the thread? I just looked through MB101 and did not find it.
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Can you help me find the thread? I just looked through MB101 and did not find it. I can't remember her name. I am looking to see if a name jogs my memory.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you. I just read that entire thread and it is encouraging. Now I need to do what my wife asks and be patient. I just spoke with her on the phone and she said she is going to do her first exercise today. I told her that made me very happy and reminded her that I am looking forward to our date tonight.
I promise not to bring up sex or kissing until she is ready. I am willing to put aside my most important EN for awhile so that I can get the marriage we deserve.
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Just one more comment about the aversion. I have told her that I realize my reactions in the past to her not wanting sex were wrong, and I can clearly see how they have lead her to where she is at.
When I told her that it "hurt", that was just me trying to let her understand that for me sex is more than just release, it is a time for me to connect with her and it that it makes me feel loved.
I am by no means thinking that I have no responibilty in creating her aversion or trying to talk her out of how I made her feel. I know I handled poorly, I am trying to let her know that she will not have to experience that reaction from me in the future.
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When I told her that it "hurt", that was just me trying to let her understand that for me sex is more than just release, it is a time for me to connect with her and it that it makes me feel loved. That's good. Just as you need to understand how SF is different to her, she needs to get how it is different to you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Her SF is definetly something we will need to work on. She has always said she had no drive, and that it was not important to her. But with the OM it was. It was very disturbing to find out that the aversion was only with me. Again more of reason for me to be understanding and patient so she can work through this.
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Is there a chance that she simply isn't getting satisfied or has low expectations?
How 'skilled' are you in the area of SF? Prior to all of this, what was your 'success' rate with her being satisfied emotionally and physically?
I mean, if you can make her Fully Satisfied, maybe she will want to come back for more!
Not saying this is the case but it could be....
It is common for extreme bonding to occur after R starts. It could be aversion, it might not be as well.
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Just one more comment about the aversion. I have told her that I realize my reactions in the past to her not wanting sex were wrong, and I can clearly see how they have lead her to where she is at.
When I told her that it "hurt", that was just me trying to let her understand that for me sex is more than just release, it is a time for me to connect with her and it that it makes me feel loved.
I am by no means thinking that I have no responibilty in creating her aversion or trying to talk her out of how I made her feel. I know I handled poorly, I am trying to let her know that she will not have to experience that reaction from me in the future. Neediness is not an attractive trait to women. Heavy talks about this is a major turn-off. She is your Wife..Seduce her! Do you know how to effectively do this? Find out how she likes it and hit it out of the park ! Her SF is definetly something we will need to work on. She has always said she had no drive, and that it was not important to her. But with the OM it was. It was very disturbing to find out that the aversion was only with me. Again more of reason for me to be understanding and patient so she can work through this. trust me..she has a drive..you are not hitting the buttons my man.. Stop being needy. Dripping her with your neediness is going to push her further away. Man up and have some confidence in yourself. Get some books...find a way to step up your game. This is important. You can do it. I know you can. Get that inner animal out of you and make it happen! If I had to guess (and yes it is a guess) I would say that you have been needy and approached the whole SF from a place of neediness. Have you ever begged for it or had to 'talk her into it'? this will get you nowhere. YOU have to lead the charge like a man. Seduce her. Create romantic situations. Be cool, and collective. Never beg. Be strong and confident. THAT is what will turn her on. If she wants it, great! go for it. If not, no big deal. Go make yourself a sandwich and wait for the right opportunity. Don't act disappointed or make it a big deal. Be like Clint Eastwood. Why do women find him irresistible? Because he is cool with however it goes. He is CONFIDENT. They know he will fully Pleasure THEM. They flock to HIM. He never begs for anything. Get the idea? Stop with the heavy talk. She thinks there is an expectation of her to perform with you. THAT is your problem. SF needs to be SPONTANIOUS and HOT not..planned out..heavy talks..expectations... blah blah blah..that takes away all of the romance. Crank up the romance...drop the neediness...
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 10/11/13 12:55 PM.
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Dr. Harley says a woman needs two things in order to be able to enjoy SF:
1) an emotional connection/bond with her husband (i.e. - she is in love with him. That is what this program creates.)
2) the prospect of enjoyment (i.e., you are going to make love to her in a way that she enjoys)
Prisca's sex drive is like a switch. It is literally on or off based on whether she is in love with me or not. The difference is amazing.
This agrees with what Dr. Harley says men report: the transition above the romantic love threshold in a wife's love bank is not gradual, but sudden, and dramatic. Dr. Harley has had men call him and ask if their wives were taking hormones or something, because previously she had no interest in sex at all and then suddenly she can't get enough of it. It is like crack cocaine to them all of a sudden, when conditions 1 and 2 above are met!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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There is something about romantic love that creates a special incentive to do the things that the other person needs. So a man and a woman that are in love with each other romantically -- which this person doesn't seem to value (not yet, we hope he'll get there, yes) -- if they're in love with each other romantically, your emotions kick in and encourage you to do things that you might not need yourself.
Woman become far more sexually oriented when they are in love. They are more interested in helping them out domestically; they are more interested in looking better for him. They are more interested in going to football games along with him and participating in his recreational activities.
And men, when they're in love, they're more interested in talking to her for hours at a time, to being affectionate with her; they are interested in being more honest and open. In other words, they are more interested in meeting each other's needs when they're in love.
So, the point of my seminars, and the books that I write, says, look: being in love is a big deal. It'll make your relationship really move along, and be very, very, very good for you, and all of his "utility needs" end up being met in a relationship where there is mutual love.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Dr. Harley says a woman needs two things in order to be able to enjoy SF:
1) an emotional connection/bond with her husband (i.e. - she is in love with him. That is what this program creates.)
2) the prospect of enjoyment (i.e., you are going to make love to her in a way that she enjoys)
Prisca's sex drive is like a switch. It is literally on or off based on whether she is in love with me or not. The difference is amazing.
This agrees with what Dr. Harley says men report: the transition above the romantic love threshold in a wife's love bank is not gradual, but sudden, and dramatic. Dr. Harley has had men call him and ask if their wives were taking hormones or something, because previously she had no interest in sex at all and then suddenly she can't get enough of it. It is like crack cocaine to them all of a sudden, when conditions 1 and 2 above are met! Exactly!!! That made me about lose the water out of my mouth on my keyboard, Marcos. So true. So true. Date her. Seduce her. Make yourself irresistible. Work out and look your best. Meet as many of her EN's as humanly possible. Focus on items 1 and 2 above. DROP the expectations/Neediness. The bigger deal YOU make of it..the bigger deal it becomes.
Last edited by 20YearHistory; 10/11/13 01:30 PM.
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Dr. Harley says a woman needs two things in order to be able to enjoy SF:
1) an emotional connection/bond with her husband (i.e. - she is in love with him. That is what this program creates.)
2) the prospect of enjoyment (i.e., you are going to make love to her in a way that she enjoys)
Prisca's sex drive is like a switch. It is literally on or off based on whether she is in love with me or not. The difference is amazing.
This agrees with what Dr. Harley says men report: the transition above the romantic love threshold in a wife's love bank is not gradual, but sudden, and dramatic. Dr. Harley has had men call him and ask if their wives were taking hormones or something, because previously she had no interest in sex at all and then suddenly she can't get enough of it. It is like crack cocaine to them all of a sudden, when conditions 1 and 2 above are met! Exactly!!! That made me about lose the water out of my mouth on my keyboard, Marcos. Which incidentally usually isn't very attractive, either.  Though I can usually make some conversation LB deposits by sending Prisca a link and saying that's what happened when I read it. Go figure!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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