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Like Markos said, being in love is 90% of the battle. Like Dr Harley says, once I resolve the problems in the marriage, the sex problem resolves itself. Sex is almost ENTIRELY a matter of emotional intimacy to a woman. A guy who is great in bed will be revolting if she is not in love with him.
This is why it is so important to get good quality UA time [out on dates and vacations!] at the right frequency. That is the only way to restore romantic love to your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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There is something about romantic love that creates a special incentive to do the things that the other person needs. So a man and a woman that are in love with each other romantically -- which this person doesn't seem to value (not yet, we hope he'll get there, yes) -- if they're in love with each other romantically, your emotions kick in and encourage you to do things that you might not need yourself.
Woman become far more sexually oriented when they are in love. They are more interested in helping them out domestically; they are more interested in looking better for him. They are more interested in going to football games along with him and participating in his recreational activities.
And men, when they're in love, they're more interested in talking to her for hours at a time, to being affectionate with her; they are interested in being more honest and open. In other words, they are more interested in meeting each other's needs when they're in love.
So, the point of my seminars, and the books that I write, says, look: being in love is a big deal. It'll make your relationship really move along, and be very, very, very good for you, and all of his "utility needs" end up being met in a relationship where there is mutual love. So do this mean we have to turn our wives into crack hoes? 
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Update. Took my wife on date last night, and we had a great time. It was one of those nights you don't want to end. She started talking about all the things we should do in the future and we really talked and laughed a lot. I cannot believe the turn around. Our relationship seems to be changing very quickly. She went from hardly speaking to me, to ending every sentence by calling me Honey. I can't help but feel a bit skeptical. Can someone really go from having an affair back to their spouse so quickly?
We ended our evening by giving each other complete body rubs,(no sex, no kissing) which she has suggested we do the same tonight when I get off work.
Happy but confused.
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That's great! I think you put the nail in the coffin of the affair when you exposed to your kids. You burst that balloon and made the affair an impossible future goal. You have also been showing her how much you CARE about her feelings by giving her that article about sexual aversion. I bet that issue has tormented her for YEARS. Just keep doing what you are doing. At first it will be good one day and bad the next until you have more and more of those good days. In the meantime, I would print up this worksheet and start scheduling your dates. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forms/FiveSteps_Time_for_Undivided_Attention_Worksheet.pdf
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It was also caring to go after the affair so doggedly and ruin it so completely.
No matter what un-withdrawn WWs say, no woman wants a man who doesnt care enough to run off the competition. The men who sit around and won't expose stand no chance.
On some level, she sees how much you want this. Every day you are getting up and hitting all the targets - care, protection, time.
Yes, it is quick - but you have done a LOT in a short space of time.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Taking one day at a time, and today was another good day. I am working an evening shift today but talked with my wife for a good hour this am(UA) and before I left she told me she really wished I could stay home, and asked what the possibilty of me calling off was. I told her I was the only manager in the plant tonight so I could not, but that I would love it if I could.
She gave me a hug and kiss(peck) and told me she loved me as I left. Still no indication of sex or a real passionate kiss but for now I will take it! I can't wait to get home to see her.
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It sounds more like you are dating again. I mean that in the best possible way. Good for you! Keep up the good work.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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Tried to think outside the box today. My wife loves hearing stories about spiritual healing and watches paranormal shows on TV, so today I booked her an appointment with a spiritual healer(even though I don't believe in this sort of thing). When I told her that on our upcoming vacation she has an hour long session with a healer, she actually got tears in her eyes and told me she couldn't believe I would do that for her. She hugged me and said she loves me.
She has told me she loves me more in the last week, than in the previous two years. Thank you Dr.Harley and MB.
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SEJ3, it makes me so happy to see you are having such a good recovery. I just found out of my husband's infidelity last week, and still very raw, but reading you makes me feel so much entusiastic, thanks so much for sharing!!
FBW 36 (me)
DH 35
DD6,DD4,DS1
On Recovery
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Tried to think outside the box today. My wife loves hearing stories about spiritual healing and watches paranormal shows on TV, so today I booked her an appointment with a spiritual healer(even though I don't believe in this sort of thing). When I told her that on our upcoming vacation she has an hour long session with a healer, she actually got tears in her eyes and told me she couldn't believe I would do that for her. She hugged me and said she loves me.
She has told me she loves me more in the last week, than in the previous two years. Thank you Dr.Harley and MB. This is wonderful, SE. It sounds like you are in the state of intimacy, definitely.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I believe we are getting close to being in a state of intimacy, but still no SF. She continues to do the exercises from the aversion section. We do touch each other much more than ever before(hugs, cuddling, holding hands in public, back rubs etc.) but we have not returned to having a sexual relationship.
She reports that she is doing well with the exercises but she still has not approached me for SF. When we discussed her aversion she asked that I let her come to me. I so much want to initiate something with her but have promised not to until she is ready. I am doing my best to live up to this promise, but she is so beautiful, so sexy, and has my heart. This is a difficult promise to keep.
I have to remind myself for a full recovery I have to "let her come to me"
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Ok- my wife says she feels ready for sex, but not for kissing. She says during the aversion exercises that kissing brings up more anxiety for her.
Not sure what to think or do on this one????
Let me remind you all that kissing the OM was what she told me she enjoyed the most about the sexual relationship she had with the OM.
Confused, should I wait for her to get over the aversion to kissing before proceeding? On my end, having sex with her now and no kissing would be very emotionally painful for me. On the other hand if it would help her to get over the aversion I do not want to refuse partial intimacy.
She also has asked what advice I had gotten on the problem of her not being able to french kiss me, I can tell it bothers her too but she is not sure how to overcome her problem. Would it be best to try and convince her to post on here as well? Please help us.
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Why don't you just take it slow and wait until she is ready for now? I would also MAKE SURE you do this as an "event" as suggested by Dr Harley. Do you know what I mean by that? You spend the evening on a date meeting her needs of conversation, affection, recreational companionship.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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That is a good idea, but do I wait until she feels ready to kiss me? I don't want her to feel she has to rush past her issues so she can meet my EN. I have a gut feeling that is what she is trying to do.
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Why would kissing cause more anxiety than sex? That seems backwards to me.
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Ok- my wife says she feels ready for sex, but not for kissing. She says during the aversion exercises that kissing brings up more anxiety for her.
Not sure what to think or do on this one???? As the BH, I found it much more difficult to have passionate kisses than sex with my W. I know that she VERY MUCH enjoyed "making out" with OM so it made me ill if I gave her more than a peck on the lips for a while (still does a bit). I would guess she's not wanting to kiss because you have to be passionately in love to passionately kiss; she might not be there yet. For sex, she just needs to feel emotionally connected to you and have the prospect of enjoyment, so maybe she has that. I would take her up on it, but make it big production, the icing on the cake at the end of a four hour date. Unless she's sacrificing, in which case, you should wait until she is in enthusiastic agreement and keep doing what you have been doing. It seems to be working.
Me: BH, 36 Military Officer
FWS: 36, repeat offender
Married: Valentine's Day 1998
DD-15/ DS-10
Almost recovered and ahead of schedule
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That is a good idea, but do I wait until she feels ready to kiss me? I don't want her to feel she has to rush past her issues so she can meet my EN. I have a gut feeling that is what she is trying to do. No, don't wait because having sex will make her feel more bonded to you. And make sure you do it in a way that is very enjoyable to her.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Why would kissing cause more anxiety than sex? That seems backwards to me. Is she being completely honest with you about this? For example, if I were emotionally detached from my husband, I would not want him to "French" kiss me. That feels so invasive. How would she feel if you didn't try to kiss her that way but kissed her the other way? Do you have good dental hygiene? Would she be honest with you if you didn't?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I am absolutely sure it is not a dental hygiene issue, I brush at least 3 times per day, floss and visit my dentist. I even make sure I use mouthwash before even attempting a kiss for extra insurance.
She will kiss me(peck style) but that is it. We kiss that way several times per day. No long kisses ever.
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