Can someone direct me to a Plan B template?

That's why i am recommending the Plan B letter and going Dark.

But, if she hasn't allowed her H to feel the scrutiny that exposure should do, then he doesn't have to deal with any ramifications for boinking a 24 year old, near child at his work place.

That hasn't been done and she is hesitant to do so for fear of reduced finances in the future, even after separation or divorce.

But, you do know much better and have a keener knack for dissecting situations.

LTL

Keep in mind that ALL WS are done with their M, and reconciliation will never work out, and all BS are delusional to think about saving their M. That is until the A implodes and they change their mind. It's all fog babble. Expose correctly. There should be no contact like this between department heads, it creates issues within the company. What happens when they break up. Now the 2 divisions hate each other because the bosses don't want to work together. Make sure HR is on your exposure list. Do it right, and do it all at once. Send the Plan B letter and disappear off the face of the planet. When the A is over you'll hear from him.

What Are Plan A and Plan B?

How to Plan B correctly

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

They are merely co-workers. Neither are managers....

Have you exposed the affair to the Director of Human resources?

No, again I am concerned about the financial impact this could have on my family, with or without WH, if he were to be let go.

You do realize that your marriage will NEVER recover as long as he works there, right? The best thing for the future of your marriage would be for him to leave that job. He can get another job, but your marriage is hopeless as long as he works with the OW.

That would be the BEST thing that could happen for your marriage and for your husband personally.

While it is a long shot, exposure at work can kill an affair. This affair has gone on unimpeded at work for a long time so it is very entrenched there, but if it was exposed it could have a very damaging effect that could work in your favor.

I hear what you're saying, and I really appreciate your input. What WH does, however, is quite specialized. He has actually been actively looking to move on for the past couple of years, but hasn't been able to find anything. I can't gamble on a long shot while negotiating a financial settlement. I hope you can understand the position that my family is in. I can't keep our family in this house without his financial help.

Will you be able to stay in that house if he divorces you?

Why would staying in a house be more important than keeping a marital family together?

Will the importance of his specialized job be important to you if you were not married any longer?

These posters and the information from this MB site may be able to keep your marriage together and then, even more of an opportunity to re-establish a loving relationship with each other.

But destroying the active affair is imperative. By not taking action, you are implicitly condoning it's existence.

LTL

I gotcha and I fully understand. It is a longshot. Just know that if reconciliation ever comes up, his current situation will make that hopeless.

Absolutely! I will most definitely make my demands if ever given the chance at reconciliation.

I had to email WH today regarding a bill, which led to a couple of 'friendly emails' from him, thanking me for a couple of different reasons. It actually felt like I might have been corresponding with H finally??? I haven't had any interaction with WH since 09.24 and that was trying to declare marital asset values so as to not hemorrhage all kinds of $ to the attorneys for that which isn't valued at much. Prior to that, 09.22, we had a very heated text exchange regarding his affair. I was pretty persistent in asking how long the affair has been going on and if she is the first (mind you, he has never admitted to even having an affair, but I have plenty of evidence that shows otherwise). Never did get an answer, as he kept going off in a tangent. Anyway, I have to say I like the peace better. Interesting pattern with WH. Typically doesn't do much about seeing his attorney unless he has been 'caught' and feels backed into a corner. I used to see him RUN, but since exposed about the known A, it felt like he was just swinging punches from the corner he got backed into.

What to do now? My replies to WH were kept very brief and to the point. I imagine I continue to stay as dark as I can? Veterans who have salvaged their marriage, what is waiting around the corner?

Are you in Plan B?

I would try Plan B. What you describe is nothing close to plan B. The plan you are in is the most likely to end your marriage for good. Dr Harley calls it "Plan C" for compromise.

Have been trying to Plan B as much as possible. Where it gets difficult is we are dissolving a business and have kids - S14 is much better at plan B than I - hasn't spoken to WH since Aug 1st.... :P

It is not really difficult at all. We have had people with infants go into Plan B. All it takes is a serious commitment on your part. Hundreds of people do this every year. There is nothing that can't be passed through an intermediary.. The whole point of Plan B is completely negated when you have contact like this. It is like being pregnant; you either are or you aren't.

Oh dear....can I just say that I am right there with you: you were going through this at the same time as I was and I don't even have to say the words because there are not words in the English language for how much this hurts and - I know - no words that can make it better. I just want to say that you are not alone. I completely know how you feel and have felt your same feelings and it's so utterly not fair, is it? It just sucks so much that someone you love and trusted could plunge you into this hell on purpose. I am so sorry this has happened to you, to us both.

First of all, I cannot stress this enough, you have to go totally mental, commando-style and drag the affair into the cold hard light of day; report to the world. If you can get it on the evening news, do it. BrainHurts is right: the OW's (we should call her OG) parents should be phoned. What a sad tramp with father issues they have raised. They need to work on that one!

It's excruciating and a divorce may be what you want instead, but if you want to give your marriage a chance, all I can do is tell you what I did as a BS with her H living with the OW. Not sure if it will help in your case, but some parts are probably good for anyone in this situation:

1st - Exposed, exposed, exposed
2nd - Hired an attorney; a really, really good one
3rd - I cancelled H's health insurance as he was living with the OW and as such, did not qualify as my dependent - anything along the lines of "You can't have your cake and eat it too" would fall into this phase. Make him realize what he is giving up by taking it all away.
4th - I tried to move on with my life. I thought H was happy with OW and that was the evidence I had at the time, though later I came to know that he was not. I focused on my health, which I am still doing - now running 5k, 4x a week
5th - Calmed down. Sent H an email I called "Truth" in which I put the story of our lives into a Word table with comments and pictures on the other side. Lots of photos of him smiling into the camera (which was me) lots of pictures of the kids. I wanted him to have a full image of what he was trading for the OW. I ended the "truth" email by saying I knew he didn't want to be "this guy" and would be there for him if he wanted to come back...as long as I could possibly wait (in my mind I had worked this out to be a few months, maybe six, that I would wait for him to come back
6th - Refused to speak to him in the meantime, spoke to him only through my attorney. If he wanted the privilege of speaking to me, he had to get rid of OW
7th - kept myself busy with work, kids, health
8th - Two weeks later he said he wanted to come back
9th - one month after that I took him back

Not a happy ending, though. The work needed to rebuild is intense and the pain of the affair discovery was - for me - much less than the pain of trying to get beyond the things he has done.

One thing I have learned that I did not know in May is that 20 years into my own marriage left my H with unmet needs and truth be told I was a bit sick of him and he knew it. Have you seen the emotional needs questionnaire? I did one for my H (just exploring what I thought he would say) and I could see right away that I left him wide open for an affair. Not blaming myself what happened - but just saying affairs meet unmet needs. Now that I am meeting those needs he is a different person towards me. My emotional needs are now being met too. I found the way to turn this around through the book Surviving an Affair and the MB program and this forum (seriously, maybe this forum more than anything else).

No one wants to go back to having their needs unmet: that includes you. I am so sorry you are on this long, horrible road with the rest of us.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. It's really important and probably the best thing I decided to do in all of this.

xo