I'm sorry but you wont snoop because a 'GPS is too expensive' (more than a divorce!!???) and you 'don't know where to put a VAR'.

Where is the icon for a dropped jaw? I cannot believe the laziness shown here regarding protection of your marriage!

Then you distracted yourself from all this unpleasant snooping talk by asking if you should ask her to move back into the bedroom. Whereupon she gave a completely predictable reply.

He's across the street for crying out loud and you don't have ANY snooping methods in place at all. I don't care if she's sleeping on the roof ridge in those circumstances.

That like talking about what colour should you paint the bathroom of the Titanic as it sinks.

I'd have a whole bunch of cameras and vars all over the place in that situation.



I think so too. And when I am more concerned about the M than the poster is, I tend to mosey on somewhere else.

Sorry, didnt know the close proximity...A move is obviously in the forcast. How can this couple ven think that they can move forward with this guy living "next door"?

Maybe their is something I am missing, I have not read the entire post.

Just a quick update - we finally got a contract on our house so we will be moving soon. Closing is December 3. As far as the snooping, I have done a fair amount and am keeping my eyes open. Things are still basically the same. I will have more later! You all are harsh and love to whack people with 2x4's but I still love you.

TWO enthusiastic thumbs up!

Fantastic news.

Thanks you all. Just wanted to give another brief update since it's been awhile. We are now in the new house and have been there since November 30th. WW wanted us to get a new bedroom set, and we've been sharing a bedroom again ever since it arrived on Dec. 5th. Obviously I was very happy about this. We haven't shared a bedroom prior to that since about June 1st.

Though we still aren't spending enough time together, in my opinion, WW and I typically pray together every night before bed, and we've also been going out for a date night every Friday. I also try to just sit down and talk to her for a few minutes at a time when she goes out on the porch to smoke a cigarette.

December 27th will be our 16th anniversary. I made plans to drop the kids off early at my parents house that day, and have them spend the night, so WW and I can spend the whole day together. We are going to go to a nice restaurant, and hopefully just chill and maybe sip some wine, watch some movies, and take a walk. I also suggested to her that we each write each other a hand written letter. I also have a gift that I plan to give her.

So, basically, though things are still not nearly where I hope they will be, they are definitely improving and I am very hopeful about the future. I know we're not "out of the woods" yet but things are definitely looking up. I thank God, my family, you guys, and others who have been supportive during this ordeal. I will continue to give updates as things occur.

Harley states that UA time should be the greatest priority in your life. He instructs to make your life revolve around your UA time.
Please consider that
Minimum 15 hrs weekly

Hello, Pius - it's so good to hear from you! I'm glad you guys finally got moved. You will find that makes all the difference.

I would really put a priority on upping that time together. It's going to be crucial to make massive love deposits into your wife's Love Bank. This is an indispensable part of recovery. Eventually you will see the look of love in her eyes again.

Remember what I suggested awhile back about listening to the Marriage Builders Radio show every day? Stick with it! It's a crucial education and motivation.

Merry Christmas and happy anniversary!

Yep I definitely want to "up" the time together. However WW isn't sold on the marriagebuilders concepts, so I sort of have to do it informally. She says "it is too rigid." Also things are a little awkward between us at times too. I'm hoping as time goes on we'll gradually be comfortable spending more UA time together. Merry Christmas to you as well markos!

One of the great things about Marriage Builders for men is that you can practice it and bring your wife on board before she even knows she's on board, without mentioning Marriage Builders.

So, you:
* Let her know you want more time together, and schedule lots of activities
* Respectfully, calmly, and cheerfully complain if she is demanding, disrespectful, or angry
* Be sure to negotiate with her to get her needs met
* Practice the principles of conversation and affection that Dr. Harley describes in his articles on this site - you can and should do this all day long, not just UA time
* Frequently ask her for feedback about how you are doing as her husband

Meanwhile, you KEEP LISTENING TO THE RADIO SHOW. Are you?

Good advice markos. Yes I need to keep working to find activities that we can do together when we are able to. I also should definitely work on the conversation thing. That is still tricky too because WW usually isn't too talkative with me.

Also, brief update on our anniversary yesterday. I think it went really well. I dropped the kids off at my parents house around noon and WW and I spent 24 hours together. Kids didn't come back until this afternoon. WW and I took a nap together, exchanged gifts, then went out to a very nice, expensive restaurant - Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. It's always been one of our favorites. When we got home we watched a movie in our bed together - first time doing that in a long time. Right before sleep we had SF - first time in 8 months!

Things are definitely improving between us. Whenever they do, I tend to get impatient and wish things would be even better. But overall I'm feeling quite optimistic.

As for the radio show, I should definitely try to listen. It has been hard to find much time though - seems like I'm always busy!

Sounds like you had a good anniversary. Keep up the good work.

You can download the app for the Radio show, and then listen on your way to or from work or while you are running errands. When I can listen, I always learn something.

Pius, what happened?

Pius - what is going on, my friend?

Well it's been a whirlwind past couple of weeks. Not much time to write now. The long and short of it is that I caught WW in a second affair with someone she met on ashleymadison. POSOM2 is married. I haven't given up. WW has been very apologetic and has agreed to more restrictions, transparency, etc. We shall see.

A little more: over the past few months I've slacked a little bit in checking up on WW, assuming that some of the things she was doing with me was evidence that the danger was passed. I ignored some red flags. Through some sleuthing, I first discovered a secret email account of hers, which eventually led me to the POSOM. A little more sleuthing turned up the info on ashleymadison.

It seems like I can improve the extraordinary precautions a lot from before, but they can never be airtight. However WW's attitude since DD is unlike I've seen for a while - she was desperate for forgiveness and willing to agree to more EP's, and to stop going out late at night with "friends" (not sure why I ever tolerated this to begin with.)

In some ways though I'm still in shock because this latest incident seems even worse than the first in that it was premeditated. Also nature of relationship seemed mostly sexual, which is very hard to handle. However I am treating her very well. I did not yell or scream upon discovery. We are going out to a nice restaurant on V's Day, and went away on a weekend trip together already. I'm hoping she is being sincere. I informed her in no uncertain terms that if this happens again it will be very bad news, and she sworn on our children it would not. I've reassured her that I still love her, but will be watching out much more closely for the foreseeable future.

Because she agreed to end contact immediately, I have not exposed. However I think I should contact the BW of POSOM. My WW seems terrified of this though, and I don't have BW's contact info. I'm a bit torn on that.

Pius, I think Dr. Harley would strongly suggest that you expose regardless. The people who are important to your wife need to know what she has done because they are the best ones to hold her accountable. This is probably even more important than extraordinary precautions.

I wouldn't discuss it with her - just do it. Make a resolution that as long as you are married to your wife, if she starts up a relationship, she is going to find out that the people who matter to her know about it. Prisca and I have this resolution. Both of us know we could never have an affair without it being exposed to a lot of people that matter to us - and that's a great thing!

Is this with the same other man as before? Or has she now gone on to intentionally start a new relationship with another person? She sounds like she is or is becoming a serial adulterer, and I think you should really talk with Dr. Harley directly and get his perspective about what you need to do for your marriage and for your children.

Markos - thought provoking about exposure. I do think I will hold my fire for now and just see how things go. I do believe that if I exposed I would be told by multiple people, if not everyone, to end the marriage. This is not something I want to do or have to argue about. Also the family uproar would be tremendous - her father still doesn't speak to her much because of the first affair. Perhaps I'm being too much of a softie but I still love her and don't want to subject this to her (even though she has hurt me immeasurably).

Unfortunately it was with a brand new POSOM. That was part of the reason that it took me a little while to catch on. I was sure that the biggest danger came from her reunited with the original POSOM.

I will definitely consider talking to Dr. Harley. I want to give it a little time first though to see how things go.

Pius, your wife NEEDS this. She is an addict, and exposing her addiction is the kindest thing you can do for her. She cannot overcome the addiction if it is kept secret.

You are dealing with a serial adulterer now, and the road to recovery is even narrower than before. The two of you can still make it, but you must follow the steps exactly or this will just happen again.