pinkstraws,

I am a FWW, it is my great hope that you and your husband will listen and heed my words...

First, I would like to reiterate what indiegirl told you -- your husband's affair was not unique or special just because OW was a therapist. Seriously, the OM in my situation said plenty of the same type things to me that the OW said to your husband -- that is just the standard M.O. of how affairs begin. Sure the phrasing may have been somewhat altered, but the goal was the same, and the end result was the same. So your husband was in a weakened state -- I'd say that most people that begin affairs are as well. Personally, I was so depressed at the time that I was very near suicide. But so what? There have been a lot of people who have been in various weakened states in their lives, and not all of them have committed adultery.

Why not?

1. Either they were people who didn't have EPs in place and an affair opportunity didn't arise at that time in their lives. Basically they had been skipping along in life playing Russian Roulette, and thus far had just gotten lucky. These are the kind of people who believe themselves to be immune to affairs "just because" of their beliefs, values, willpower, etc. They believe they don't need extraordinary precautions, because they would never cheat! These people are just affairs waiting to happen.

OR

2. They were people who recognized that being fallible human beings they had certain weaknesses and actively took steps to insure they never placed themselves in temptation's way -- no matter what was going on in their lives. They inherently understood that practicing risky behavior would eventually lead to catastrophe, so they consciously chose not to do that -- In other words, they practiced extraordinary precautions.

In 2005 I threw a grenade into our family by having an affair -- Today, it pains me greatly to look at the damage and destruction that I caused. I can't stand to think about the person I was then -- I can literally make myself sick if I think about the specifics of what I did. It kills me to think about what I put my husband through. Horrible, disgusting, painful memories. And yet, as sickened as I feel about all of that -- NONE of it is what prevents me from having another affair.

You know what does? The acknowledgement that I am human with weaknesses that MUST be protected. I MUST practice extraordinary precautions because those are the only things that keep my family and myself safe. Human willpower is a joke in the face of temptation. Any person that tells you they can practice risky behavior without being at risk is a liar. That is not possible.

About Facebook -- you are right in the fact that facebook didn't have the affair, your husband did. However, that being said, Facebook IS where the affair began and because of that it is TRIGGER CITY for your husband -- that means it is a very risky place for him -- being on Facebook for your husband is RISKY BEHAVIOR. Can people practice risky behavior without being at risk? OF COURSE NOT.

If he is a wise man he will acknowledge that -- maybe he's not at that point yet, but you should be -- open your eyes, pinkstraws.

Facebook is by no means a necessity.

I was on Facebook under my real name for about 2 weeks. I decided that one of my EPs would be not to have male friends there, and I didn't. I didn't know much about FB at the time at all. So I didn't consider the fact that since I'd gone to high school with OM and I was befriending girls I'd gone to high school with that I would eventually be able to see comments made by him, and that is exactly what happened. I freaked out -- total panic. I called 2 people -- My husband [Mr. W -- who, like me, was clueless about the ins and outs of facebook] and MelodyLane. Mel told me in no uncertain terms that I had to get off facebook immediately. I did exactly that.

Looking back, that should have been very obvious and automatic to me. I think it wasn't for two reasons, (1) because I really was freaked out, but (2) if I'm totally honest I had been having a good time catching up with my old pals there -- I was hoping Mel would tell me a way I could avoid doing what I knew I had to do! I'm so glad I had the good sense [because of all that I'd learned here at MB by that time] to call someone who would tell me the truth and hold me accountable. My marriage and family are worth so very much more to me than facebook could ever be.

pinkstraws, no matter how disgusted your husband is by OW now, he must understand that those feelings alone will not protect him or his family from the affair restarting if he has any sort of contact with her. Extraordinary precautions really are the only safe way to live -- for all of us.

Out of everything I've said in this post this is the most important -- it is THE essential "take-home-message":

THE ONLY REASON I WILL NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR IS BECAUSE I WILLINGLY PRACTICE EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS.

That isn't just true for me, by the way -- that is true for every person. Please think about this, pinkstraws.

Best,

Mrs. W

Please read.
False Recovery-Need Voices of Experience

Also, please read this and especially all the clips at the end of the thread.

Serial Cheaters

The "condition that made the affair possible" was FACEBOOK. FACEBOOK.

My H says he wasn't brainwashed by the OW. He isn't trying to convince me of anything. He, in fact, would probably agree more with you all. I, on the other hand, have examined the evidence and understood what it shows, as per Dr. Harley's advise.

Why would I examine it, see what it means and then alter my understanding to either make it match the opinion of those who have not seen the evidence or the experience of other people, or even my H whose ego refuses to let him believe that he was moved along these steps by someone who knew exactly what she was doing.

Dr. Harely also has a bit about therapists. It happens, but it is not a typical thing and your average AP does not have the skills or background of a marriage counselor.

Have you written Dr. Harley?

I will think about this today. You make a compelling point. Thank you for your feedback, Mrs. W!

What he says about therapists is that people are more susceptible to affairs with them because they tend to share their closest feelings with the therapist. The same can be said about personal trainers and doctors. That doesn't mean the affairs are any different than others.

The point is that your husband's affair is a garden variety affair that is no different from others here. He had the affair for one reason and one reason only: he did not take precautions to avoid it.

I think it was the internet, the ease of looking people up on any site. Linked in, skype, google +...he needs them all for his job. He needs his job so we can change our lifestyle.

Wow, that is too bad! So what you are saying is that he will have to give up his job in order to "eliminate the conditions" that made the affair possible.

I guess we can add you to the long list of folks here whose spouses have changed careers.

Pink,

You are headed for disaster if you don't want to do something as easy as eliminating fb. I agree with you that if a person wants to cheat, he/she will cheat but ignoring KNOWN dangers of how an affair started/was hidden is INVITING trouble.

My ex traveled for work. Prior to Dday2 with OW2, we were working to eliminate the work travel. When WH traveled (post Dday1), there were EPs in place so that he was "accountable"...he still cheated with a new AP. And he cheated even when overnight travel wasn't an issue. So yes, there are those who are foolish enough to cheat again. Don't think your WH is exempt from this..that he's learned his lesson and wouldn't be weak or thoughtless enough to cheat again...it happens and a WS can use MB to cover their tracks...which is disturbing.

x 100

PS,

I posted some non-MB advice earlier and it was rightfully removed. I am taking a huge risk with not blocking FB and taking FWW smartphone and shouldn't encourage you to do the same. Dr. Harley says the path is NARROW. Best to follow it. After all, I am dealing with AFFAIR # 2.

I'll bet the vets have plenty of links with false recoveries when FB was not deleted. I'll leave it in their good hands. I'm still rooting for you though.

Links to threads of false recoveries are not needed. We're dealing with simple facts here. Facebook was a condition that made the affair possible. If Facebook is not removed, then the conditions that made the affair possible remain unchanged. Another affair is very likely. In the unlikely event that another affair does not take place, the WS will remained triggered by Facebook and recovery will not happen.

If a recovered marriage is what you want, then do not take huge risks in your recovery.

Brainhurts was kind enough to provide the false recovery link earlier in the thread. Most of the stories will involve some variation of not having adequate EPs in place.

I can think of a case off the top of my head where the WW was advised to close FB and she didn't - and there was a FR and they are now divorced. The BH's posting name is InnerStrength and yes, that story is in there.

But Prisca is correct - looking for FB specific stories is not necessary.

You are most welcome, pinkstraws. I'm glad to hear you will give what I've said some thought. Truly, I hope you will do more than just think about it though, I pray that you and your husband will take ACTION to protect your marriage.

I have to wonder why you are so reticent to tell your husband to give up FB -- can you answer that for me, please? What are you afraid of?

I keep reading you argue that your husband's affair was different because OW was a therapist and knew just the right words to say to lure him into the affair -- that he was somehow a helpless victim deprived of choice, and though I strongly disagree with you about that, for now, that's irrelevant to the point I'm going to try and make to you.

See, IF your husband [or myself -- or any other wayward spouse, for that matter] had been practicing extraordinary precautions then the other person could have been a magic genie with the ability to exert total mind control over another individual and it would not have mattered one whit. Why? Because the EPs would not have allowed said magic genie the audience in which to perform her skills -- Do you see? And if you are able to see how EPs could have prevented an affair in the first place, then why on earth would you not be uber-enthusiastic to practice them now?

Each of us has a lovebank account for every person that we have ever been in any sort of relationship with -- the account remains, even when there is no contact with the other person. Your husband has an account for OW, and though I know it sucks rocks, he always will. That account MUST remain inactive, and it will not if there is any contact at all -- even if it is one-sided contact. Facebook is a great way to insure that account remains open for business and active, and I have to believe that is not what you want, right?

Personally, I had to look no further than my own history with my affair partner to see Dr. Harley's lovebank theory in glaring technicolor. As I told you earlier, I knew OM from my high school days -- I dated him OFF and ON over a 9 year period. We would break-up back then due to volatile fights -- each time we would end it, we HATED each other! Logically I KNEW we were not a good match at all, and yet each time we would find ourselves together for any length of time we'd somehow manage to forget the white hot hatred we'd felt for one another in the past, and the cycle would repeat. See, where there was once a flame one can very easily be reignited. The lovebank re-opened and became active over and over because I remained in contact with the guy. I was single back then, so it was fine if I wanted to punish myself over and over -- completely stupid, but still fine. But MY WORD, I so should have known better than to talk to him as a married woman!!! Gaaah -- really, I'm not an idiot normally, but I would not blame anyone who thought so given that history and my choice not to practice extraordinary precautions to keep that person far, far away. So now I know, and finally getting that nearly cost me my family -- I devastated them in the process. All because I didn't realize I should be practicing extraordinary precautions -- For one, I'd never heard of EPs, and also I was one of those fools who thought "I would NEVER cheat". And okay, so you and your husband probably didn't know before his affair either -- but you are here now, and have the opportunity to learn, understand and implement. So do it -- refuse to play Russian Roulette with something as precious as your marriage from now on. Vow to do better now that you both know better -- Will you do that, pinkstraws?

Mrs. W

No one. We have no safety net family or friends-wise. We have no one to help with this situation. I looked for counselors and it is not feasible. We have to find an online program that works for us.

So the main thing here is that we have to return. That is why this new job is critical. I don't know how else to say this that people will understand: the new job requires use of a lot of social networking sites that I do not fully understand the workings of (google plus, for example) and there is no way to require him to stay off these sites he needs to be on for work. He cannot be required to eliminate social networking without changing jobs. If he changes jobs we are stuck here. If we are stuck here our marriage is doomed.

He has changed everything I have asked him to change and plenty I have not asked for. I have not asked him to stop using fb. I an still thinking about it.

Can he not find a job elsewhere? Why is that not an option?

Your marriage or his job.

Because that is what you are deciding. FB and social networks have to go.