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So Toni,
Effectively what you are saying is that it's a piece of paper when applied to you, but the legal and moral union of marriage when applied to him?
You have a lot of work to do and until you are willing to accept your own wrongdoing and clean up your side of the street, then your marriage has no chance.
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I suppose I did not see myself as married. Apart from a piece of paper I am divorced.
I refer to my affair to be when I was seeing a man that was not my husband whom I was living with, who had no idea what I was doing. I lied to him, cheated on him and fooled him.
Any men since then has been in the open. I have not been living with my husband.
So you giuys feel that bevause I don't hve that final $100 piece of court paper I should still consider myself married ? Yes.
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You ARE married.
You need to get some integrity about you. Lose the boyfriend regardless of what your husband would want. After you lose the husband it might be good to send your husband a letter telling him you have see the error of your ways and want him to know that. .
And then vow to not date until you are legally divorced. You now have the answer to your questions. You that you are still married and should not be dating and how to approach your BH.
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That is so easy to say. . No one here is asking you to do anything they haven't done themselves. Not one of us took the easy option of loving whoever was nearest, regardless of our/their marital status. I had a lot of offers during my separation. It was lonely being alone while I got divorced. I spent a year without even flirting. But until my husband was LEGALLY INFORMED that I was no longer his wife, anything less would have been cheating. Separated means nothing. I just don't seem to have the strength in me to do that. OK, no one is holding a gun to your head. Good luck with that.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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That is so easy to say. I do love my current boyfriend but cannot see a future with him due to unresolved issues with my BH. You just made your choice with this statement. My reasons for coming on here was to see if anyone had any ideas about how I go about finding that info out without losing what I have and without walking into my BH s work and asking the questions directly. I just don't seem to have the strength in me to do that. Well, wouldn't it sound a little silly? "BH, I want you back - by the way, I'm still with my boyfriend just in case you tell me something I don't want to hear." How do you think that's going to go over with your BH?
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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toni, hon, I think you can do better than a guy who doesn't want to commit to you. And that goes for both men. You can treat yourself better regardless of their choices.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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Maybe?
Sounds like you are a fence sitter, weighing up your options but keeping your foot in both doors. That sort of thing never leads to happy relationships.
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I feel stone walled here.
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can restart communications with BH while in my current situation or does everyone believe that I should not start communication until I no longer have boyfriend
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At this point you should
divorce your BH
and
dump your cheating BF
and
start anew with a man who is not married, or, live a single life without a man.
There is no way out of the mess you have created other than that.
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I feel stone walled here.
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can restart communications with BH while in my current situation or does everyone believe that I should not start communication until I no longer have boyfriend Still cake eating, I see.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Toni, did you ever see the episode of the Simpsons where Homer gets his arm stuck in a vending machine?
They were going to saw his arm off when at the last minute he revealed he was only stuck because he was holding on to the candy bar. If he had just let go, he wouldn't be stuck any more.
That's how I see your situation.
You are sacrificing freedom and self respect for something worth very little.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I feel stone walled here.
Does anyone have any ideas of how I can restart communications with BH while in my current situation or does everyone believe that I should not start communication until I no longer have boyfriend Toni, why don't you contact Dr. Harley directly and see what he advises? He's the professional, after all.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Toni, hon, not trying to stonewall you. I don't see any harm in reaching out to your BH. Have you read the Buyers Renters and Freeloaders? My suggestion would be to reread the Enemies of Good Conversation article first so you can make this reaching out as positive as possible for both of you. Focus on the good memories, your points in common. Don't "make him wrong" by using DJs, be open to hearing how he sees things. Everyone changes and the annoying habits he had he may have outgrown already.
Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
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I will send my xh a letter of apology first.
Of course I went to the end of the earth and back, trying to fix the marriage after my affair , with no success. Adding up the time we have been physically separated 4 years now , emotionally 8.
It might be time to let him know again ( now after a lot of time has passed ) that I still feel sorry. I do know that time has given me a much better perspective on just how much I hurt him. When it first happened I was deep in self pity and pnic and did not REALLY feel his pain.
I will start with that and guage any feedback. Will finish reading the renters book, but not ready yet to give up on boyfriend. ( who has been separated from his wife for 12 years - but yes not divorced therefore still married )
I
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You want to recover with your H but will not break contact with your boyfriend?
Um, that is not how you recover a marriage. Either do this program or don't, but don't waffle around trying to get us to validate your adulterous relationship, because it WILL NOT HAPPEN!
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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but not ready yet to give up on boyfriend. ( who has been separated from his wife for 12 years - but yes not divorced therefore still married ) Toni, with this said, I don't understand why you are here then. It would seem to me that if you really, truly want to R your M (if that is even the correct term in your situation) you would sever the relationship with your current boyfriend immediately. Since you had an A before, how can your H trust you are sincere now in wanting to get back with him? Having a boyfriend does not scream I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you. It seems more like tire kicking to see if your H will bite. That doesn't seem like a very solid plan. I think you need to get really honest with yourself and take appropriate action.
Me 52
WW 52
Together 25 years
Legally married 08/08/08
DD23
DS21
D-Day June 2011
Separated June 2013 (WW moved in with OW)
Plan B October 2013
I filed for D 12/11/14
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I know , I know , I know. I understand.
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How do I know that if I am not just wanting my XH back because I cant have him !
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I don't know your thinking process.
You allow emotions to rule you rather than rationality.
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