I'm back from the Dean.

One of the things that I have learned from all this mess is that there is people who geniunely care about you, and this communicty is one. Thanks all!!!

The dean, was very open minded. He, yes he is a man..., did understood the problem and supports me all the way. He will talk to the OW and have her drop the class for now. Students are not allowed to drop the class at this time of the semester, but he said he will see that it happens. The OW, will then have the opportunity to make an only exam to pass the class, but guess who is writting that exam... such is life.

Its so ***edit*** hard to walk around campus right now, I'm shaking all the time. And to add things up I'm nursing my 4months old baby and I can not afford to be this bad. Please if you can, do say a prayer for me, it will be greatly appreciated.

I just said a prayer for you, Alada.

I'm glad you talked to the administration. Whatever you do, don't let this affect your job. I know that's easy to say, but try your best. There are no other faculty who can grade the exam, or are you stuck with it? I would try and see if someone else can do it.

What have you learned about the affair? How has your husband responded? Your recovery will depend on his transparency.

I hope you will find strength and support as you work through this very, very hard period.

Is the 4mo your only child? You can do this - you've gotten a good start so far.

How is your WH handling things on his end?

Good job on going to the Dean. What did her boyfriend and parents say?

Have you exposed to your WH's parents and siblings? Are they supporting you?

I have three children, 6, 4 and my 4mos.

After the OW talked to the dean, she came to my office... to talk about the exam, what a nerve. As calm as I was able to get myself, I gave her a date and a format for the exam. Later I told my husband about this, and he seemed a little upset. Not sure, if he was upset about her having such a hard time, or what, but it breaks my heart again to see his face.

I have no idea what the OW's family said, I have no way of contacting her siblings.

My husbands family do know. In fact my husband spent two nights away and slep at her mother's. They are supporting me.

My parent's now, my father said it was my fault. My mother does support me.

My husband told me everything on saturday, but he is not very good with deatails. They kissed in the parking lot of the campus. Is a very small campus, anybody could have seen them, I have friends, students family on campus... They were together for two weeks, but they had no intentions of quitting and for the messages I read, they were about to get physical.
I remember one night he was studying downstairs and I was upstairs taking care of the kids, he came upstairs with a mild erection!!! I taught he needed to visit the bathroom, but now I know the truth.

He is still in the fog, that is why he cares about her feelings. My WW told me she wanted to make sure OM was ok health wise because he had lost alot of weight since the A ended (its just fog babble as an excuse to feed their addiction, she has admitted as much). My response was, why do you care and am I supposed to feel sorry for him? (both rhetorical questions obviously)

It is mind boggling how delusional waywards are and how much they disregard their spouses feelings without even realizing it. They are just truly lost and not in touch with reality. I feel your pain and wished no one, yourself included ever had to go through that but it is what it is. You can alteast tell yourself your WH is delusional to the point of a drug addict and has lost all touch with reality because it is true honestly.

Your father is being a jackhole.

Nobody deserves this.

Is this a off the wall let down or something your father has been doing all his life? Was he wayward once (or more)???

It's not your fault

MrWondering, yes he had an A a few years ago. Don't know too much about it becuase my mom didn't expose it.

The funny thing is that he says is my fault because I'm way too strict... well he is just the same if not worst...

He's just trying to excuse and cover his own disgusting behavior. If he admits your WH is doing an awful thing to your family, and that it wasn't your fault, then he has done an awful thing to his family, and it's not your mother's fault.

It's true, he just can't bring himself to face it.

Have nothing to do with him at this point. He will break down your resolve with his false accusations, and if WH hears someone condone adultery, it will be much harder for him to see how evil it is, and how completely devastating to the people he was supposed to cherish and protect. Neither you nor WH need that now, and probably not later, either.

Last night I found out they have been talking on the phone and messaging.

I lost her and call her, and was not cool at all. She threatened me to talk to the Dean.

This is getting out of control, and is not going to be easy at all.

Have you spoken to her parents?

Alada, I would notify her parents and the boyfriend AND make plans to separate from your husband. I would ask him to move out and make plans to go into Plan B, which is a completely dark separation. Any and all communication would be handled via an intermediary. Dr Harley outlines the reasons here:


An article about Plan A and Plan B: here

This is such a strange thing for a father to say to a daughter it makes me wonder if he's had his own A. Exposure often flushes out other As in this way.




When the affairees refuse to stop contact it is an enormous affront to the BS.

You should go into Plan B for your own protection.

Let him figure out how to be a good husband and father without you - or he will lose you.

Do the girls parents support you?

Do they know contact is ongoing and forcing you, a new mother, to consider separation?

Well that just shows you how sincere her apology was!

A vet on here was contacted by an apologetic OW and the BW asked her to repay the money her H spent during the A. As it was not sincere, the OW refused.

I'd let Mr & Mrs hoforadaughter know that she

A) got involved with a man who neglected his (pregnant? Nursing?) Wife and baby. They know about the baby, right?
B) torments you with insincere apologies
C) refuses to end the A and maintains contact.

Don't forget

D) has made threats to jeopardize your career/job with lies.

Don't give the OW any more ammo. Come here instead of blowing up at any of the affairees.

Though in general Dr. Harley recommends a 3-6 week Plan A for BW's, I personally recommend going faster if the BW runs the risk of compromising her health for any reason. This would include (but not be limited to) things like pregnancy or a young baby.

Your very first priority is to be a calm, sane mother to your precious children, and most especially the baby. The stress is already at a critical breaking point, witness your emotional breakdown to OW. You've got to get out of the crazy ASAP to protect yourself and the baby.

1. Tell WH to move out, effective immediately.
2. Make preparations to go into Plan B within only a few days.
3. Don't blow up on anyone in the meantime.
4. If you haven't already, call the Dean and tell him what happened. Hopefully you'll get through before OW does. Ask for his help in dealing with the loose ends. Perhaps he would be willing to give OW the test, and look it over before it comes to you for grading. Can you make it multiple choice, so she doesn't have a chance to work in wordy excuses throughout her essay?

Protect yourself first. Worry about your M second.

Though I'm sure you don't want to drag your boss into all of this drama, I would share with the dean your latest update.

You should be completely taken out of the loop regarding this "student's" grade. She should be dropped from the class with an incomplete and be allowed to take the class at another campus. You are in no position to have to assess her work, and the dean should realize this.

Is there a code of ethics at the school that can apply to this situation?

Can you tell us more about the contact that took place between your husband and the OW? Will he promise to end it for good, and have you put extraordinary precautions in place?

The vets here are recommending you to go dark, and they are almost always right about these things. But I would like more information about how contact resumed and your husband's response.

Please STAY AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. Any contact with her can and will ruin you professionally. The boundaries of the teacher-student relationship have been breached and cannot be repaired. You cannot have this relationship with her any longer, starting right now.

Disclose your last conversation to your department chair - the person who self-reports and reports an ethics violation first is often in the best position. Explain that you can no longer have ANY interaction with her, commencing immediately. Another instructor must supervise her course completion. Make sure your chair communicates to her what the OW must do regarding class attendance, as she cannot show up in your class (for obvious reasons) and you cannot tell her not to attend your class. (If you do, it will come back to bite you in the form of a grievance - trust me). Turn over any of her work completed to date to the receiving instructor, but first make a copy of it for your own files. Have the receiving instructor review your pre-D-Day grading and determine that your grading was unbiased and aligned with that of the rest of the class.

You have enough on your plate without adding grievance hearings and professional ramifications. Also, in this arena, you have more to lose than she does. She is only risking a failing grade; you are risking your professional reputation and career.

Don't give in to the temptation of short-term gain; it will result in long-term loss.

Please do this.

BV

Just be aware that any kind of communication to her side poses professional risks for you.

I for one don�t negotiate with terrorists. Especially absurd ones. This woman is attacking Alada's marriage and 'threatening' to tell the Dean on her unless she capitulates- which is an absurd bluff.

This adulterous student is NEVER going to go telling the dean about her disgusting affair and how she should be left alone to pursue it.

We see these kinds of threats from waywards every day: "I'm going to sue you for telling the truth!" - it is always a bluff.

What possible grievance can come as a result of telling this girl's poor parents the truth in a calm, factual way? If Alada keeps the information she sends them in email format, she can save it to provide to anyone at work who asks what was said later on.

Not doing anything would only achieve a) helping to deceive the girl's parents and b) throwing the marriage of her baby's parents under a bus.

Are we seriously suggesting these parents should be kept in the dark about this? Imagine if this is what your daughter was doing with your money at college.

I doubt this college is so corrupt that Alada is going to lose her job on the lightest word of a corrupt student. We should not be encouraging Alada to be cowed by silly threats.

If she does this calmly and retains all record of what is exchanged, she is going to be fine.

The OW is hoping Alada is so cowed by her silly threats she will step back and shut up.