The Harleys discuss what to do during your 15 hours of UA.

Radio Clip on Undivided Attention

Quick question FC ... your returning to work. Is that for money or more for communication (or connection to life away from diapers )

Is being a teacher a passion for you or something that you do to earn a paycheck? Are you able to communicate with FTF the exact reasons you are wanting to return to work, i.e. you need conversation, you missing dressing up, you miss the money, you have dreams for your life that you want to fulfill with the money, you miss your friends, you miss using your brain ... etc.

Have you really sat down and explained exactly why you want to return to work? I think if FTF had all the facts in front of him, the two of you could would out a plan to accomplish what it is you are seeking.

I recently was able to work with my local YMCA to teach children Lego Robotics. I am an engineer. This was a perfect opportunity for me to not only bring in some additional money, but it provided me with free daycare while I was teaching for my 3 and 5 year old.

Until you and FTF can POJA solutions to working as a teacher, there may be some alternative options for you, where it would make him more comfortable.

I know places (outside of school districts) need teachers, so check your classifieds and Craigslist. There may be some tutoring options also that would allow you to work from home.

I have to get out of this house or I'm going to go crazy. I'm bored. She's bored. We need to the money and I need to do something besides clean and cook.

Maybe he would feel better if you put some effort in your marriage? I know my husband and I were able to reach agreements so much easier when we were in love and both actively invested in the marriage. I don't get the sense that you are invested at all.

For example, you try to get him to agree to your going out with other people when you know he doesn't trust you. Running around like a single person is not conducive to building trust. Surely you can understand that?

It would be easier if we were in love

But you have to put effort into your marriage in order to BE in love. I don't see that happening here.

How happy do you think he is with the marriage?

If my spouse cheated on me, wouldn't put any effort into repairing the damage and THEN had the nerve to ask to go run around like a single person, I would be extremely upset.

What are you doing to make just compensation to your spouse?

FC ... you are starting to sound entitled, like FTF owes you something.

There have been quite a few options laid out in front of you. You listed your UA time, but only had 12 hours.

I agree with Melody here ... what are you going to do?

FTF seems open and is seeking suggestions to find solutions. Work with him some ... good golly the man is really trying here.

Can you please lay out your plan on how you will get in at least 20 hours of UA time, and what you will be willing to do with FTF that helps your marriage?

Will FTF go dancing with you on Friday?
Will you be open to meeting his needs some as well?

What are you going to do?

So if I am not actively looking for ways to get our UA time in that means I'm not putting any effort into my marriage?

Yes ... because UA time after an AFFAIR is the only way to rebuild build romantic love. Without UA time you cannot fall in love quick enough to overcome the resentment and fallout from the Affair.

You and FTF don't have much time ... you are limping along terribly. It is 2 years after D-Day ... you should be fully recovered.

You are only 11 months in from finding MB ... again you should have mastered UA and scheduling UA time by now.

If you don't want this marriage, then be honest with your husband and get out of it. This kind of emotional torture after recovery can and is often worse than the affair because of the amount of resentment it builds.

You have been provided several solutions. We, and FTF, will know you are serious about your marriage when you post ACTIONS on how you plan to increase UA time, and help FTF with Just compensation.

Hi feuillecouleur!

I am a FWW who is in a recovered marriage, so I thought I'd chime in on your thread and see if I might be able to offer you something of value.

As others have pointed out, I see that you aren't getting in enough UA time, and that is critical.

I'd like to speak to you about this quote in particular:

*[emphasis mine]


As a FWW, you know what I hear when I read this?

Someone who still holds the belief that there was something "special" or "unique" about their affair -- that it was "just so natural" -- "it just happened, we didn't even have to work at it" -- "there was just this SPARK - this electricity".

Maybe you will deny this -- maybe you aren't even conscious of being in that mindset, but I must tell you that your words here regarding your husband and your marriage paint a pretty vivid picture to me of what's going on.

I'm not here to beat you to a pulp over those falsely held beliefs [YET! ], rather I'd like to help move you towards a change in perspective, so that you will re-open your lovebank to your husband. I hope you will be amenable to that, yes?

Another possible reason I could see for you not to have your lovebank open to your husband is if there were to be some form of contact going on -- even one-sided contact, which could mean anything from looking at pictures, viewing facebook/twitter comments or keeping thoughts of the affair alive through daydreaming. Remember, it's the dog you feed that thrives.

Lastly, and this is very important, if there is anything left that you have not told your husband, it MUST come out. Lack of radical honesty is cancer to a marriage. It is impossible to have real intimacy without radical honesty.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I've said before elaborating any further. I am glad that you are here!

Mrs. W

[/quote]

Yes ... because UA time after an AFFAIR is the only way to rebuild build romantic love. Without UA time you cannot fall in love quick enough to overcome the resentment and fallout from the Affair.

You and FTF don't have much time ... you are limping along terribly. It is 2 years after D-Day ... you should be fully recovered.

You are only 11 months in from finding MB ... again you should have mastered UA and scheduling UA time by now.

If you don't want this marriage, then be honest with your husband and get out of it. This kind of emotional torture after recovery can and is often worse than the affair because of the amount of resentment it builds.

You have been provided several solutions. We, and FTF, will know you are serious about your marriage when you post ACTIONS on how you plan to increase UA time, and help FTF with Just compensation.



[/quote]

If I could contribute to the family income in some way, I would feel more comfortable about spending the money on UA time. We could get free babysitting on Friday nights through a friend I think which would give us a couple more hours.

This program doesn't work without that step. So what are your efforts towards achieving that goal in your marriage?

Can you think of a way to contribute to the family income that is not a threat to your marriage? For example, a teaching job would be a threat because that is where you had your affair.

What could you do that is a) not a threat to your marriage and b) would make your husband feel safe?

Thanks you Mrs. W for your insite. You are right in that I wasn't conscious of being in that mindset and I am amenable to re-opening my lovebank.

There is no contact going on, not even one-sided contact. I have no pictures of him. I don't even know if he has a facebook account.

My husband knows everything about the affair that I can remember although last night he did tell me that he wasn't sure if he knew everything. I can't think of anything that he doesn't know.

He knows how it started. He wants to know what the conditions were that lead to the affair in the first place. I told him that it started when we taught across the hall from each other and we shared stories about our children, our failures in teaching. It progressed to him telling me I looked nice every once in awhile. We started sitting together at staff meetings and meeting at staff functions after school. Then we went on a field trip together where we talked about meeting at night. We would meet at night about once a week for almost 10 months.

We talked about me being a substitute teacher. It doesn't require going to any after-school meetings or functions. He said it would be better than a full-time teaching position.

FTF is very open to finding solutions to you returning to work. With enough time, patience, and brainstorming you both will find a solution together.

In the meantime, take advantage of the free babysitter, and get as much time together as possible.

I noticed Finances are your number one need. I can see the finances are creating stress within you. Can you research ideas for UA time that wouldn't be financially costly for you and FTF?

As you keep referring that you are bored ... are you able to get RC and fun activities in during the week? I know when I was a stay at home mom I had lots of playdates with other moms at the park. I played on the jungle gym with them for exercise.

I also took up baking and knitting. I sat at the local hospital with my girlfriends and we knitted/crocheted hats for the NICU babies. It was a great way to have conversation, and the NICU babies loved our hats.

I am queen of activity ... I do a million and one things with my kids. I am the energizer bunny, so let me know if you need other ideas.

Since being in a school was the environment that led to the affair, can you think of an occupation that would complement your marriage?

So the conditions were a) working in a school and b) going out at night without him.

Can you imagine how alarming it is for your husband when you suggest doing both of these things again? Your affair was the worst thing that ever happened to him. I can't imagine ever subjecting him to that risk again.

My degree is in education and it's what would bring in the most money. The hours would accomodate my son in elementary school so that I could drive him home with me if I were to substitute in his school. The two year old could go to daycare.

You are very welcome.

Now that I've brought it up though, can you see where you still hold these beliefs regarding the affair? Meaning that you still believe there was some magic "spark", and this is the reason that you came here and asked your original question on this thread? Did you ask that question because you find yourself thinking things like, "It shouldn't be this hard" -- "It was natural with OM"? Be honest, FC.

Because FC -- it wasn't "just natural" with OM. Can you see that both of you spent loads of time and energy investing in each other? [Actions] And then what happened? Your feelings followed those actions, yes? Not the other way around.

Take a look at what you said: [my words in red]


And what happened, FC? Your feelings followed those actions and romantic love developed. The "spark" was not there until the need meeting began -- THAT is what created the spark -- and you allowed that to happen. See, You have proven that Dr. Harley's lovebank concept is accurate. You have seen it in action. Surely you cannot deny this, right?

Seeing is believing -- you've seen it, and not just in the affair -- you've seen it with your husband too. You fell in love with him once, and it WILL happen again if you will allow it. A big part of doing that is to get that there was no part of your affair that was "special", "unique" or "magical" -- You must see it for the disgusting, horribly selfish thing that it was, and get to work on seeing what an amazing man your husband is to even be WILLING to try and fill your lovebank. I don't think you grasp just what amazing grace that is -- how incredibly rare and precious it is. There will never be anyone in the world who will love you like he does -- really think about that, and allow it to awe you, because it most certainly should. In the face of extremely cruel betrayal there he still stands with his arms outstretched toward you -- that is unfathomable, FC -- and he's yours. You are very, very blessed, wouldn't you agree?

Mrs. W