Toni, I don't mean to be harsh but you are just not a good catch while you behave this way.

If I were a friend of your husbands I would advise he not take you back.

You are not very honest. You live with a man while making plans to get back with your husband. While I don't think much of your bf, I don't think much of your deception of him either.

If your H got such a letter and posted here for advice, I would tell him to run a mile.

I would tell him that you were probably planning to just keep both men on a string. I truly believe you would too.

Though you are not exactly planning to two time them right now - you will. You are a mess being yo-yo'd around by your emotions.

Until you get yourself out of this tar pit, you should not be inviting others in.

I guess the thing is that someone can be a renter and become a buyer. You and your BH probably lost your marriage to begin with because of the effects of being renters, finding short-term solutions at each others' expense instead of finding long-term solutions you both wanted. That's happened to all of us!

So if your BH is still a renter, reaching out to him while with the new guy may or may not scare him off. But your new boyfriend would be hurt that you are trying to reconcile while still holding onto him "just in case." It would be more honest to take some time for yourself. And then if this new man is a better fit that would become obvious as well with some time apart.

If the shoe was on the other foot, and your boyfriend was wondering if he had made a mistake breaking up with his first wife, and wanted to see if she was still interested, how would you want him to approach that?

Read this letter to Dr. Harley and his answer. Perhaps this might help you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5035b_qa.html

That letter made a lot of sense, Thank you.

all that advice is very good and I actually get real clarity on how XH will feel when I think of shoe on thje other foot scenario.

I really feel bad for bf as he is really in love and he is going to be so hurt. He is a lovely person. He is not going to believe that I need to end our relationship in order to give myself alone time. I feel that would be why I am leaving him. Whoever said it was correct, I will need alone time to get thoughts and feelings straight in my own mind.

This is called a double-approach avoidance conflict. Dr. Harley talks about it on his radio show, and again I suggest that you email him.

You do not understand. If you do you pretend to not hear and ignore what you have to do.

Do not waste your time and your BH's time by sending a lets get back together letter while you are still banging your current BF.

He is not a lovely person. He is a scumbag who is cheating on his wife with someone else's wife.


If he were a "lovely man" he would have avoided you like the plague.

This is one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Well,

He is a man who thinks that avoiding legal divorce from his wedded wife while having a girlfriend (who happens to be legally married to another person) is a good idea.

You agree with him but you both are sadly making very, very poor choices right down the line.

More time passes and bf making louder noises about moving in. I have written xh an apology letter and being the coward I posted it. I could not face him and ask the question about his feelings, where his head was at. I can only hope that he responds positively to the letter and that from there I can determine if we have hope.

I do hope it ends well for you Toni, but hope is not a plan.

Action is better plan than hope.

You haven't really done anything to lead your H to take you seriously.

You aren't doing anything to avoid a massive mess with this bf. Would you hold your head up around him if he found out about the letter? Do you think moving in is a good plan?

But then maybe hope is a better plan than I give it credit for.

I do know hope has led me on to some rocky paths and the beating I got there instilled sense in me better than anything else.

So maybe there is hope.

I have to assume letter received. He has not contacted at all.

I am at work and I was just wondering if I can just throw my life as I know it away .

I have a feeling ( and your beatings ) that if I don't do that , then I am never going to know

I sent my husband a very lengthy letter of apology. although I have apologised many times it has been time that has really made me feel how sorry I was. Earlier than this ( 5 years ) it was more about me.

This was his reply

Hi, Just to let you know I received your letter today. I want to assure you it will stay with me. I will reply in time as you should know how I feel for which you will understand why I stay away from you etc. Nothing to dio with feeling ashamed of you. Its more about a black hole that I never want to go into again. Your letter today bought a lot of those feelings back. I hope you never have to say sorry again., well I don't want to hear it again from you. I believe you and I believe I understand where you are at. im sorry I was never manenough to make you feel proud and happy. I also know I am just as responsible for our break up. hope this all sounds righ when you read it or maybebetter left till I write. Lots of things are sad where the kids are with it. But the sooner they see us happy with our lives the better they will be. I willwrite when I can, I have forgiven you a long time ago, it was needed to help me move on and not think of that horrible time we went through. so writingto you will be hard as I can feel that hole I hate so much feel so close, you need to know so you can understand my head a little more., I am sure that will help you not feel so upset about it all. I hope your letter helps you now in moving forward, the kids need us to be happy,. Take care
P.S. I do look forward to the day a can sit with you again and have a drinkand a laugh again. I just don't know how long it will take . But time will heal. I believe that

So thoughts

Toni,

My initial thought is that you made your outreach to him and he is aware of it.

However I don't know the contents of your letter

My thoughts,

he wrote a beautiful reply.

Beautiful.

All you can do is decide whether to continue the affair you are currently in (since your BF is legally married) or to be a single woman who can either live with or without a man to survive into the future. To learn to live without needing a partner financially, emotionally, sexually, for conversation, etc.

You can not make your H reconcile with you......but.....rest assured he will be hearing about your life and making judgements about how you have lived it and who you are as a woman/person.

I have posted this on same forum but felt I needed to get some opinions on just what my xh response means. He sent this by text after receiving from me a lengthy apology letter . Basic details
...8 years ago I had affair
...5 years ago after trying to save marriage he leaves after meeting someone
...we are not divorced
...almost no contact
...3 grown children
...my letter to him was an apology which needed to be sent as I really feel that apologies in the past were really about me trying to save my [censored].
...he lives with woman he left me for but has said there is no relationship or future to be had with her
...I have a boyfriend which I am on brink of severing ties with as I have been convinced that this is an immoral situation I am in.

I sent my husband a very lengthy letter of apology. although I have apologised many times it has been time that has really made me feel how sorry I was. Earlier than this ( 5 years ) it was more about me.

This was his reply

Hi, Just to let you know I received your letter today. I want to assure you it will stay with me. I will reply in time as you should know how I feel for which you will understand why I stay away from you etc. Nothing to dio with feeling ashamed of you. Its more about a black hole that I never want to go into again. Your letter today bought a lot of those feelings back. I hope you never have to say sorry again., well I don't want to hear it again from you. I believe you and I believe I understand where you are at. im sorry I was never manenough to make you feel proud and happy. I also know I am just as responsible for our break up. hope this all sounds righ when you read it or maybebetter left till I write. Lots of things are sad where the kids are with it. But the sooner they see us happy with our lives the better they will be. I willwrite when I can, I have forgiven you a long time ago, it was needed to help me move on and not think of that horrible time we went through. so writingto you will be hard as I can feel that hole I hate so much feel so close, you need to know so you can understand my head a little more., I am sure that will help you not feel so upset about it all. I hope your letter helps you now in moving forward, the kids need us to be happy,. Take care
P.S. I do look forward to the day a can sit with you again and have a drinkand a laugh again. I just don't know how long it will take . But time will heal. I believe that

Analysis is simple.

You're both still liars and foggy.

You are hedging your bets until you hear what you want.

No habits have changed.

Nothing good would come of any reunion until terrible habits change.

There is nothing to analyze here. Contact with you triggers bad feelings that feel like a "black hole" to him. I would divorce him and leave him alone.

Oh

some pretty angry hateful people here

Toni, you can't control your husband.
You have both chosen to throw your marriage away.