You will need to be living together to work on the marital concepts (POUA, POJA, PORH) together. I would get his commitment to the program first and if resists or does not follow through, then I would ask him to leave.

Rocketqueen, that's exactly what I did. On monday I printed out my EP's list and he agreed.

He has violated the one about telling me exactly where he is going, he went to his moms, which might not be a big deal, but who knows. The second violation was about honesty, he only revealed the happy bday message last night. Although to be honest, he did respond me when I asked him without hesitation.

Sorry, I meant that he should commit to the recovery plan (from the link).

Ok, thanks for the input. I will talk to him.

So when I got home from work we talked and he apologized, read the recovery plan and agreed to it. We need to sit down and make something more detailed to work on, but with three little ones is a bit hectic. I genuinely think he is honest.

The bad news, is that I saw OW. I organized a seminar last evening and ow came to it and sat right next to me. Is not even a topic she cares about, don't know if she was looking to talk to me or what. It was a two hour seminar, I was a nerve rack all the time. Don't want to spend too much time thinking about the incident, but this is just showing me how unsincere her initial apology was.

Strongly disagree with this. You can follow the Policies whether you are living together or not. In fact, learning to live these policies while apart is part of Dr. Harley's recovery program for those who are attempting to make amends after the affair has ended and the betrayed spouse was in Plan B. It's also part of his controversial approach toward blended families if a child and a step-parent have frequent conflicts: live apart but spend 15+ hours alone together per week until the child is out of the house or the conflicts disappear.

EDIT: HOWEVER, in the case of infidelity, living apart does make it much easier for the unfaithful spouse to continue to cheat. A desire to live apart on the part of the unfaithful spouse should be interpreted as a statement that they wish to continue cheating without the betrayed spouse's interference.

SECOND EDIT: Language clarification, I don't want to be interpreted too broadly here.

You will never recover living in an area where you risk seeing the OW at any time.

Thank Markos I do realize that. A job at U of Montana came up, I'm going to apply for it.

Also I've been reading the managing memories thread, becuase I have too many triggers at the campus. That helped a lot. I'm also drinking passion flower to help with mood changes and memories, it helps too.

Doormat, when my husband, kiss was on the radio program, Dr Harley told him that we needed to be living together to be able to work on recovery. That is why I advised Alada the same. I don't see how you can follow the policies together if you are living independently.

That's his advice to YOU. It varies according to circumstance; I've learned to my chagrin that Dr. Harley's advice on the radio show is quite individual, and applying it to other circumstances is sometimes counter-productive and a bit cargo-cult-ish.

I don't want to go on at length; advice regarding POJA during a separation would only be relevant to Alada if contact is actually ongoing and she must Plan B to preserve her health, or if she divorces and remarries. Just pointing out there are circumstances under which you CAN follow MarriageBuilders while separated, and which Dr. Harley endorses on his radio show and discusses at length both in "I Promise You" and "His Needs, Her Needs for Parents".

The ideal situation, of course, is typically for the couple to live under the same roof to better meet one another's needs.

Thank you for the clarification

Just wanted to do a quick update.

FWH is staying at home right now. He is been dilligent about calling me or texting me when comming back home from dropping the kids at school. He is making efforts to amend his error. But I guess he is not totally aware of the damage he's done.

We read together the managing memories thread, it was a lot of help. As many men, he is totally able to block all memories, not so much for me. He used to think I was exagerating, but now he seems to understand, although sometimes it feels he forgets.

One of the things I'm struggling right now, is what to do on our UA time. One of his 5 EN's is RC, and we just realized we don't have something that is genuinelly fun for both of us. I don't want to spend our UA time just talking about all the problems, I wish we could do something fun. We've talked, and we both enjoyr hiking and camping, however with three little ones, it would be next to imposible to have UA time during a hiking/camping trip.

Do you have any suggestions?

One thing I have heard on the radio show was a co-op where you trade kid-sitting with other parents. They take your kids one evening, you take theirs another evening.
Another option is just plain hiring people, I know that can get expensive but what's money when you are trying to save your marriage. Dr Harley has really put his money where his mouth is on that point- he said that when their kids were little their bill one month for childcare was more than their mortgage.
Fortunately for us right now, we are able to do it while the kids are at school.

Have you done the Recreational Companionship questionnaire? That will identify good common interest activities.

Your instinct about UA time conversation is correct, you should make a point of NOT talking about problems, but just having good safe conversation with the goal of understanding each other better.

Neera, no I have not even seen the Recreational Companionship questionnaire, can you point me to it. I did a quick google search but couldn't find it.

Here is the link. The actual inventory is a link at the bottom of the introductory page.

Here

Thanks so much longway

Another update.

This past sunday was the one month mark. After reading the managing memories thread I decided to take action and we did a lot of talking on saturuday. He answered all my questions, and he did a very sincere confession with a very different language than the one he used with his initial confession. I felt that was my turning point and I feel lots better. On sunday I met with a very dear friend and talked some more. Its amazing what a true friend can do for you.

The last couple of weeks were hard in terms of tirggers and events, I was feeling down to the point of not wanting to do any more love deposits, and was afraid of the one month mark. But I do feel with new energy.

We have a lot of homework to do, we read the 3 emotional states of a marriage, and found ourselves to the T on each one of them. It gave us so much light and it gives us more ground to work.

I'm hoping for a much better month!

Last night we tried to discuss something using the POJA guidelines, but we had no sucess.

I would like to read some books, but my budget is really tight, do you know if I could get some used books somewhere?

Getting one or two books wouldn't be a problem, but as I see I need more than a couple to get this going. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Alada, what books are you looking to read?

What were you trying to POJA?

He Wins, She Wins would seem like a great book on the topic.