I see.

And let's say the shoe were on the other foot -- How would you feel about your husband returning to the same environment where he'd previously had an affair?

Mrs. W

I guess I could work in an office somewhere??

point taken

Ok, so now I need a job that is going to complement my marriage, preferably not in a school setting with the hours from 8-3.

How about a daycare nursery?

I know it's still dealing with babies and nappies, but it probably feels a bit different to be working with other women you can talk to, with proper breaks etc, compared to working at home alone with toddlers. You could probably get your younger child there for a very low fee.

I'm suggesting a daycare facility with no male workers, BTW.

You da BOMB MrsW ...!!!! Brilliant absolutely Brilliant!!!

Haven't thought about that. Not a bad idea!

Are you going to look into it, right now? What jobs can you find online? Can you register with a recruitment service on Monday?

You need to find out whether you need qualifications for such a nursery job. In the UK, there are nursery nurse qualifications, but these are not compulsory in all nurseries. Some have a ratio of qualified to unqualified staff, so unqualified staff can work in nurseries.

There are lots of women-centred facilities, if you think about it. In the UK there are women-only spas, swimming pools and gyms, dress shops of course, breast care and gynaecology clinics and one or two women's hospitals, girls' schools (more of these in the private sector), nail salons (I think in the USA some men go to those, but hardly any do in the UK), other beauty salons...

The problems would be having to pay for childcare for your younger child. A childcare facility would remove that problem. In the UK we have play facilities called "playgroups", where children out of nappies go for two or three hours a day until they are ready to start pre-school nurseries at 3 or 4 years old. The pay is low, but the hours are mornings only with no work during the school holidays, your own child can attend for free and there are no men around. Men tend not to get jobs with low pay looking after toddlers.

Get researching!

I'm so glad -- a shift in perspective is something we all need from time to time, I know I sure do. I can be a real brat!

And FC -- this whole GNO stuff. What's that really about? Rebellion just for rebellion's sake? Hey, I'm not saying it's not loads of fun to hang with the girls, it IS! But how about getting in your girl time in ways that don't include bar type environments without your husband -- and I'm not saying that because you had an affair, btw -- I'd say that to any married woman -- or man. It's just not a good environment to be in for married people without their spouses. That is risky behavior and it's impossible to practice risky behavior without being at risk, yanno? Marriage is a relationship of EXTRAORDINARY CARE, and as such you must implement EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to protect it -- you and FTF are on the same team -- don't forget that -- your marriage is something that both of you must value and treat as precious -- TOGETHER -- AS A TEAM.

I remember my first GNO after the affair -- it was a long while after, though I don't remember the exact time table -- I.DID.NOT.WANT.TO.GO!!! It was a bachelorette party and Mr. W MADE me go because it was for a dear friend of ours -- we knew the whole family, so on and so forth...blah, blah, blah. I did go, and I had an okay time, but with all my heart I promise you I would have had so much better of a time if Mr. W could have gone too! I mean we went places where there were men -- Mr. W is THE most fun man I know -- Why wouldn't I want him there? The only reason I could ever think that a woman would not want her husband to go with her for a night on the town is if she were to be planning to do something she didn't want him to see -- Of course I don't know for sure, but I would be willing to bet that FTF thinks the same thing. Isn't that what you would think if he were going out with his buds to places where other women would be but he didn't want you along?

FC, I'm gonna be real with ya on this, I see you treating FTF like he is your Daddy who is just trying to get you to behave, rather than understanding that he is your husband and enjoys spending time with you AND wants to be by your side to protect your marriage WITH you -- you know, as a TEAM. Quit fighting him -- he is not your adversary -- he ain't yo Daddy and he sho'nuff ain't your prison warden -- You are free -- you always have been -- the cage door is open -- the choice is yours. Are you woman enough to stand by his side and be his teammate? Time, attitude and effort will tell. I know I'm sure rootin' for ya!

Mrs. W

P.S. Thank you so much, HomeSweetHome.

I wish I felt that way

It feels more like a prison

No. Knock it off right now.

I will not allow you to act like the victim, FC.

Uh-uh.

Your current circumstances are a direct result of your very own behavior. FTF is NOT a villain. As I told you, he is NOT your adversary. STOP IT.

BIG GIRL PANTIES. Go grab yours, I will wait here for you.

I've seen someone ask you what you have offered your husband in the way of Just Compensation, and I don't believe I saw your answer to that question. Please answer it.

My affair was 8 years ago, FC. To be honest with you, Mr. W never had to tell me that I made him feel unsafe once the affair was for sure over [that is not to say I wasn't a horrible, horrible wayward during the affair and for a few months after -- because I was rotten to the core!] -- However, he never had to ask that I not do something or not go somewhere. You know why? Because I WILLINGLY offered him just compensation -- meaning I was WILLING to have him put a GPS tracker on my car -- I OFFERED -- I was WILLING to take a polygraph -- I was WILLING to do anything I could to make him feel safe. I am still willing, and I will always be willing, which is why Mr. W feels safe. Nothing I offer Mr. W today is done because he demands that I do it -- I do what I do because I WANT to be accountable to my husband. He and I are a TEAM. We are accountable to each other. For example, just today I had some business going on through email with someone who is male -- I CC'ed Mr. W on all of those emails. Now, there were quite a few of them and he was probably like, "Oh good grief, knock it off already" in some ways, but in others I hope my doing that communicated just how much I value and care for him. I want him to know how precious our marriage is to me and that is just one small way that I can show him. Doing that costs me NOTHING, but it pays in SPADES. Not just to Mr. W & I, but also to our daughter -- and hopefully to our grandchildren and great-grandchildren and on and on. Success begets success, FC. I want that for my marriage and family, don't you? If you do, knock off the whining and start showing it. Love is an ACTION, FC. Go love your husband and family and watch your life bloom in ways you never imagined possible.

Mrs. W

nothing

i have offered nothing

guess i need to do some research on just compensation

Here's a good start...

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Coping With Infidelity Part 3 - Restoring the Marital Relationship

FC -- You would be wise to read every single thing on this website AND all of Dr. Harley's books. You are a school teacher for goodness sakes -- Arming yourself with knowledge must be second nature to you, no?

Here's another way to think of JC in girl terms:

What if you loaned me your very best handbag -- let's say it was a Coach bag. I took it out and completely ruined it -- got Sharpie Marker all over it -- spilled olive oil on it and took it with me to a bar where someone was smoking a cigar and burned a giant hole in it. It's obviously beyond repair, and you are understandably torn up about it -- upset -- resentful -- ANGRY. Naturally, you no longer trust me. But the next day I come to your door and offer you an old Coach bag I found at a Thrift Shop to replace yours -- it's the same style and color as the one I borrowed from you, but it's old and ragged, and plus it's not YOUR BAG! You had loved that bag so much!

You take it, but you aren't happy with it. I really didn't appear all that sorry about what I'd done to yours -- in fact, I acted as though you should be GRATEFUL that I even bothered giving you a bag at all.

That would really suck, wouldn't it?

On the other hand, what if instead I had come to you apologizing for my carelessness and negligence, asked your forgiveness, promised never to do something like that again -- and backed up that promise with an action that demonstrated my sincerity -- like say replacing your bag with a brand new Hermes Birkin bag?

You might feel just a little different towards me then, eh?

FC, you threw a grenade into your marriage, have done nothing to help repair the damage that you caused, and now have the audacity to complain about that damage and act as though someone else is at fault for it? REALLY? Get a grip! You can do better than this.

Mrs. W

Dr. Harley and Joyce often talk about when she was a SAHM and the solution to that was that Dr. Harley made sure he took her away from that on dates often during the week. He said there was a time when they spent more money on babysitting than any other bill. A solution could be that FtF could work on meeting your FS need with more income so you two could spend so much time in fun UA time together that you won't feel like your life is about diapers and housework.

I don't think getting a job at a daycare is going to make you feel happier. Not only that, the job is so exhausting and pay so low that it won't make you happier unless the job itself is something you love to do. If you don't love being a SAHM, you won't love working in a daycare.

Look into options that would help your husband bring in more income without sacrificing time for your marriage.

Also, are there any problems with Lovebusters?

FC,

And looking at it from another perspective what has your BH done for you.

1) Taken back a woman who potentially exposed him to HPV or some other STD, the HPV might kill him 20 years from now btw.

2) Endured the absolute humiliation of having your W give it away for free, what he can't get at any price from you.

3) Did the hard work of recovery on his own.

4) Has not beaten the OM to death or seriously debilitated him , yes nearly every BH wants to do this.

God Bless
Gamma

It's not helpful nor enticing to try to shame FC into ignoring her feelings.

How about a library? It requires many similar skills, but it is not too much like either a school or a daycare.

Just catching up on this thread, FC, and I wanted to make a few comments to encourage you ...

I strongly encourage you to make a conscious decision to do this. It won't feel "right" and I can understand your reluctance -- No wife was more reluctant than me. I strongly believed that Dr. Harley's lovebank model would not work for me and Markos. I told Markos that, too. I never believed that I could ever be in love with him, and for a time believed that I had never really loved him at all. I kept my lovebank closed to him for a very long time. So, again, I understand the reluctance.

I completely understand the "feeling like a prisoner." I completely understand the wanting to go out with girlfriends and NOT desiring at all the company of my husband. These are feelings, which can be changed believe it or not. They changed for me. Today, markos (my "prison guard") is my best friend and lover -- I would rather be with him than any one of my girlfriends. I never thought it was possible.

But I encourage you to open up your lovebank anyway, despite these feelings. Allow him to make as many lovebank deposits that he can, in ways that you find enjoyable. Participate in UA with him in ways you find enjoyable. What will it hurt in the end? If your feelings are right and you could never fall in love with him, then you're no worse off. Throw yourself into it for 6 months. Let him sweep you off your feet.

Do you have a Facebook account?

Thanks so much, Prisca, for your encouragement. It's nice to hear it from someone who's been there and made it and I congratulate you because it's quite a feat!!

I do have a Facebook account but am rarely on it nor do I post on it often. Ftf talked just last night about deleting his account because it's not safe.

It seems like lying to throw myself into it without "feeling it" which I have actually tried to do. However, it only lasted about 2 weeks before I could no longer control my gag reflex if he touched me. I'm not going to enjoy it but I'll do it anyway if you think it will help.

On Saturday, I put in an application for part-time work at Victoria Secret! Ftf says he is very enthusiastic about it.