By playing smart, I mean that you need to NOT reveal your strategies in busting up the affair, don't tell him of any snooping devices or strategies you will be using. Breaking up an affair requires strategy and you don't want to be giving your H heads up on what you are doing.

The first order of business is to find a way to end all contact with the OW.

I'm just so sorry about not getting much help from your family and friends. I know many people take this gutless path, "we love both of you," "don't want to take sides," You could always gently tell them you don't want them to take sides either, but only be on the side of the marriage. And they will be doing your H a great favor by trying to steer him away from what he will look back on as the greatest mistake of his life. That's what they could helping with.

For now, you are in Plan A, not recovery. Step back a bit on meeting your H's ENs, until NC is firmly in place and he has agreed to and is abiding by all the conditions of recovery. Express your willingness to meet his ENs once the affair is over for good. Avoid all love busters. And be considering how you would manage a separation...just in case. It always helps to have a plan of escape. And don't tell him. This is not the time for radical honesty.

So do you think that there is any hope if I make him quit his job and work for me? I would see his every single move. Or work for my brother WITH a laborer accompanying him at all times? I'm honestly not so sure I am good with that...I am in sales Melody and I haven't recognized my H's BS for the last five months...I'm pretty good at seeing it in others, but is there any hope that he wouldn't immediately BS a young laborer?

Okay, so keep to myself more and no radical honesty, CHECK.

You all can figure out how I caught wind of his convo with OW and I do have to say, it is ODD that I did not hear him cut me down. BUT I've wondered about an affair phone. Yet again if he had an affair phone, he wouldn't have borrowed someone else's. I guess that Monday will tell.

GREAT point about asking them to just be on the side of marriage. We shall see. Our daughters are totally angry at him and yet they NEED him...he has never been there for them pre-D-Day...and now he has been there for both of them. So I get that they are loving that. I'm happy for them and I don't want to push any more on that.

Okay, so Plan A, you all are telling me to prep for Plan B then, right? Please spell it out. Yes I will step back on meeting his needs, I did that quite well this evening. And I let him know that I will resume once the A is over. But how will I know?

As for manage a separation, I have figured that he has to leave the house, I take a few months to work gangbusters to get myself some $, and then I leave and he has to pay for 1/2 of my place plus he has to pay for this whole house plus fixing up the house to sell. Does that sound right?

Blindsighted, I have to leave for the evening, because we have an appointment to keep.

But yes, you have it right. Keep all your plans to find out about the A and all snooping completely to yourself. Be very calm and cool, pleasant. And the reason for stepping back on meeting his ENs while in Plan A is to protect your love bank. It's excruciating to be going all out to meet your H's needs only to find out....So you need to protecting your health, both physical and emotional.

Just keep thinking of Plan B steps in case they are needed. Try and get your H to leave the house if you go into Plan B.

That might be the best solution for now. I am thinking he needs to write a letter admitting his affair and send it to the OW's family members. Obviously she lied to them and told them some story about your exposure.

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you! On a Saturday night too...prime UA time! I am totally blown away and I want so tell you that after I get my head (back) on straight, you know that I will help others and pass this on.

Okay Melody, so not sure if he would go with a TRUE "what happened" letter, but I'm laying low and will ask.

I'm thinking you also hit it on the nose asking about the "friends" phone. If I see the log and it says a one minute call, then he is telling the truth about leaving a message. If not, then I think immediate plan B, no?

He will have to leave the home, LWFH. My business is here. It will take me a couple of months to move to a new place. Plus, this is my busiest time of the year coming up, when I make about 75% of my income....and this carp is already cutting into that.

Yes, you leave and have a nice evening! You all are amazing and I appreciate every second of your time, THANK YOU!

Good Morning/ Afternoon all, I am here and making breakfast for us. WAY more has come out and my H is going to be posting soon. We have to eat though so it will be a bit, just didn't want you all to think that I was ungrateful, or that something was wrong. Well, it's wrong lol, but I am fine. I'll be back soon.

B, how far away does the OW live? When was his last contact?

And did your husband see our suggestion to send a letter to the OW family telling the truth? I believe he needs to do this to make up for his forewarning that skank.

Melody,

He just posted and briefly described, In His Opinion, that they discussed any and all questions that BS2013 had, YET.....

There was no comment, YET, about sending out the letter to all of the exposed parties, affirming that BS2013 was truthful in her exposure.

That must be done immediately, with no waffling and further delays.

Talk is cheap, IMO. Actions need to follow the words, with conviction and remorse.

LTL

Melody and ALL, I cannot thank you enough for drawing this out of him!

OW lives two towns and about 30 minutes away from us. His last contact was leaving a message on her answering machine to warn her of the exposure. Before that, his last contact was Sept. 14th, by telephone. His last physical contact was on May 4th.

If you are thinking along the lines of addiction and taking away any future opportunity, I am going to make another post right after this about my feelings on that.

Yes, he saw the suggestion to make a letter to the OW family. Your note was perfect in my eyes. I would be happier if, instead of FB this time, if he hand-wrote one note and then xeroxed that note in his own hand-writing, to snail mail to her children and family.

What do you think of that idea instead of FB?

I think that is just fine! My only concern is that, once again, he will call the OW to tell her it is coming so she can tell everyone you just forced him to do it.

You are the one that needs to feel compensated, validated and safe.

I feel Both methods, the snail mail and FB would ensure it gets to the proper audience.

How can your H prove that he will not warn the POSOW once again?

What would 100% convince you?

Are you going to be able to view his friends cell phone phone log to verify if the previous warning was a 1 minute voice mail message or an in depth heart to heart conversation?

Don't let the truth get buried by only concentrating on the current todays conversations.

LTL

LWFH had previously mentioned an entrenched affair...good call, LWFH!

Obviously it is entrenched more than I even had a clue. Bigger than I imagined. Bigger than H has ever dealt with.

As I mentioned yesterday, my brother has offered to hire a laborer FROM HIS CHURCH, and to tell this man the whole story, and have the laborer go with my H everywhere on the job. That is SO kind of my brother, but honestly I am soooo tired right now that I don't know if I will even be secure enough with that.

I suppose I can try it and see how I feel? Do I need to put on my big girl panties and ignore some of these fears that I have? I'm absolutely trusting of all of you who have been here before, and so I want to listen to what you suggest. I think that I'm just really tired and worn down after these last few days. I wish that we could afford a vacation lol.

See that's the thing here. I DON'T know if anything can 100% convince me. I feel like the only thing that will ever 100% convince me for a long, long time from now...is if H is with me 24/7 and I can see it with my own eyes and ears.

I suppose if he CALLED each of her children in front of me and told them this? Then I would know for certain? But honestly that thought makes me sick. I don't want him to have any more contact with any of them. Did he tell you on his thread how his adult children KNEW that their Mom was having an affair with a married man? And that they invited them into their families around their own children? But irregardless, if you all feel that it will help me to hear him saying this to people, I will do it.

I don't know if I will be able to view the cell phone that he made the call on. There are different trades and different people at each job each day. My brother can get me the name of the company that was there that day, and I can call if need be to ask who remembers loaning their phone out, but honestly they may not even remember who my husband is. There are tons of different trades there each day.

LTL, can you explain what you mean by not letting the truth get buried due to today's convo?

Whatever YOU want. You have all the cards here. You are the one whose heart was ripped out, and so forth. If you want to recover, we can help you.

If you do not want to recover with him, then we can help you with that too.

Your H knows who he borrowed a cell phone from. I've been in the trades too for over 35 years and i wouldn't most likely ask a stranger on the job site.

That's what i was referring to. Don't allow that piece of verifying his spin on the contact to POSOW get buried or delayed.

Heck, he probably knows the guy casually. The two of you drive to meet him together without him forwarning that friend why you guys need a favor and to see him today

LTL

Is he writing the letter yet?

LTL

I am on the phone with my brother right now, be back in a few.

BS2013, I would just have him write the letter and get it sent out. After that, let it go.

I think it might be a good idea to have the laborer go with your husband for NOW, but I would be thinking about long term solutions. Your H is withdrawing from a long term affair where the OW lives right there by you. That will keep you triggered and him triggered and will probably prevent you from ever recovering. She is too easy to access and he will be endlessly fighting the temptation.

I would be thinking about ways to move to another state and perhaps buying a business so you can both be together all day. It won't happen overnight, but I would start thinking along those lines.