BBS, since it is a workplace affair, it should be exposed at work too. Which needs to be done TODAY. Remember I warned you about trickle exposures? You need to get this affair exposed everywhere today.

Your marriage will NEVER have any chance if still works at the same place as the OW. Epxosing it at work greatly increases the odds that one of them will leave the job.

It has already been exposed at work. He says he hates me, I embarrassed him, and he is filing for divorce and won't just roll over and take this. OW told him that if I contact her again, she will tell HR and get him fired.

How was this exposed at work? To whom and HOW? What was said by whom?

You do realize that the best thing for your marriage would be if he got fired, right? You should also know that you may have grounds for a lawsuit against his company because of this workplace affair.

That is great!! But you didn't go far enough. The affair needs to be exposed at work and to all the rest of his family and friends.

The more angry the WS, the harder you hit the target. But the little amount of exposure you did is not likely to kill the affair. You need to do the full monty. But I have now told you that many times.

BMBS,
Your husband is in the fog--he's not the same person you married, and his anger is not rational. Like all cheaters who are exposed, he's angry and blaming you instead of accepting responsibility for his own actions. It's despicable conduct, and it is universal with every wayward. So take heart. My WW was incensed when I exposed. She really hated me. And she did file for divorce. But I never worried because I knew it was my best chance at saving my marriage. Well, sort of. We wound up getting divorced, but as soon as her affair died we worked things out. It took a year-and-a-half. But guess what? She got over the exposure.

In your case, exposing is the very best thing you could have done because not only does it give you the best chance at killing the affair (See how the OW already threw your husband under the bus by threatening to get him fired?) but if you do recover your marriage, he'll think twice before cheating again knowing that you will not stand by like a patsy when he gets a restless heart.

I'm having a hard time finding links that I know I saw at one point. How long is withdrawl going to last? It has only been a day, but this is the first night he has openly slept in the other room, not starting in the bedroom to hide it from dd. He said he isn't going to roll over and put up with the exposure, and is going to file, even though it will get messy and we will both lose a lot. Not everyone stays, you know?

Perhaps not. There aren't any guarantees at this point. You should be trying to do those things that give you the greatest chance for success. Exposure is tried and true. Capitulating to a WS's anger never works.

No. Exposure only hastens the end of the A. Some people return to being good people after the end of the A, some people start up another.

Not everyone wants to be a good person and in a long term relationship. Some people just want the easy-come easy-go option.

Killing the A is the best thing you can do to see if there is still a good person in there.

He won't want anything to do with the marriage until his affair is killed and that will not happen unless you expos� the affair. You can't do a little trickle exposure and expect much to happen. He most certainly is not in withdrawal because his affair is not over.

BBS, the next step is to demand that he end his affair TODAY and if he won't to move out immediately. Pack his bags and ask him to move out. Once he moves out, you want to go into Plan B, which is a completely dark Plan B.

He seems to be under the impression that he can do anything he likes and you will tolerate it. Dr Harley only recommends staying in Plan A for 3 to 4 weeks, so I would plan to separate now. Have you read up on Plan B?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Your WH is not in withdrawal because he sees OW everyday at work and even discusses you with her.

Withdrawal begins when no contact for LIFE is established.


You haven't answered Mel's question about the work exposure...Who exposed the affair and to whom and what did they say?

I called his family and the OW. I told her he was married, and all contact had to cease. I was talked out of contacting anyone else, but it is just as well, because as I said, she proceeded to tell his coworkers that he was married and flirting with her, and said if I contacted her again, she would tell HR and get him fired. After I talked to her, she immediately emailed him, which I know because he suddenly started freaking out on me, said he knew I called her, and he hated me.

He works in an ajoining building. I know that isn't ideal, but with her threats and his embarrassment, I can't imagine he would willingly talk to her. If he gets fired, and still files, I'm really screwed, so I'm not willing to risk it.

I don't have the book, but I have read Plan B. The issue is that he refuses to leave, and legally I can't kick him out. I would have to file, which defeats the whole point.

Unfortunately the affair will continue at work because you kept their secret there. There is no way to ever recover your marriage as long as they work at the same place. Sorry.

There is nothing we can do for you if you won't take the advice,
.

His entire workplace knows.....

No they don't.
They only know what the affair participants have told them

The FIRST step towards marital recovery is permanent separation from the affair partner.
Dr Harley recommends moving out of state if ypu are in a rural area.

He must commit to never seeing or speaking to her again.

If this is not done the affair will continue

No, they do not. The affair has not been exposed to human resources and executive management. Water cooler gossip is *not* exposure. I view this as a lost cause if you refuse to take the advice, but that is your prerogative. It is your marriage to lose.

Your exposure hit the mark! As Mel and I have both posted the angrier he is the better impact exposure had. OW is using your fear to keep you quiet, what a POSOW and you wanted to be fair to her... well done you hit the mark with her too!

You don't understand waywards or the addiction of A. Whilst they work together HE WILL risk his career and financial security to see/speak to her.

OW's threat was to get you to back off, I doubt she has any intention of trying to get him fired. She is using your love for your WH and your fear he will loose his job to get you to stop. She doesn't want anyone to know the truth.

If the A continues your "screwed", waywards finance their A at the expense of their familh's financial security. If the A continues and OW gets him to leave you, you are "screwed, you won't have the benefit if his income if he leaves you.

My WH tried to financially starve me out of our family home, whilst I fought foreclosure he gave OW $17.5k,she also drives a new BMW, has a new house all purchased in her name which my WH pays for. Sadly Im not unique this has happened to many BS and is typical wayward behaviour.

It gives me great pleasure to see this woman's true colors. I'm glad I took the high road with her, and she has proven to be the one who only wanted to hurt others as much as possible to protect herself. I'm hoping WH really sees that! It sure is hard to live with the anger, though. Time to focus on making myself happy and not waiting for him to do it.

BBS, I would really URGE you to expose properly as outlined in the exposure thread.



SURELY you already contacted HR???!!!

Are you telling us that your exposure has skipped out HR? Who on earth DID you tell then? Who knows about it at work?

It sounds like you only spoke to OW who already knows she is in an affair!! If so, all you have done is forewarned her.

Their bosses should know, and they should have dragged them both in for a reprimand and be putting a stop to it. The workplace should be under the impression that they will be in big trouble legally unless they put a stop to this A.