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Yes, I've told him I'm not will to stay in this position. He knows the limit, and if he doesn't act he knows I full intend on filing. Perhaps he is just waiting for the time to run so he doesn't have to do it himself? I don't know.
And your right...this real is not the marriage I envisioned...it really isn't a marriage at all. BP, what you've described is a pretty good Plan A, he is getting some needs met and you've kept your temper. But women should not Plan A for longer than about three weeks. Not only is it harmful to your health, but it is very unattractive for women to compete over a man. Men don't like a woman who sits around and acts like she has no better options. Women who do this are always used and abused. Dr H encourages men to compete but he tells women not to. Just get out of there and let him find you. Plan B is not hard for him to break if he wants to. All he has to do is be a good husband and he can come home. Sorry BP I got muddled when I posted this and got you confused with an infidelity case. Three weeks Plan A is for infidelity. But I do think you should not be standing by here as an option to return to whenever he likes. Neglect is not OK and it is time to draw a line in the sand.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I added this to the above: Could I file the paperwork today? Sure, I work for lawyers(not family law) I'm sure I could get one of them to call up a friend and get something rolling today, but then I also run the risk of coming home to changed locks. He can't legally lock you out of your marital home, though.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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indie, have you listened to her call with Dr Harley?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, actually he can, because it is not "our" home. It is his mothers home. We pay rent, but we do not have a contact. If they want to come over and change the locks while I'm not home, they can do that. In my state me living there gives me no claim to the home. It matters who's name is on the house.
That is not something I anticipate they would do, but honestly, at this point, I have very little faith in any of them, so for all I know they would.
FS (me)
WH
WH out of the house for 28 weeks
WH now on better AD's and is home!
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bp, the thing to understand is that Plan B will not change your husband or give him motivation. Knowing your situation, I predict he would be blissfully happy to not have to deal with you. Surely, you know he is not going to change just because you go into Plan B?
This is why I think you need to do both. Plan B might be good for YOU in that it helps you detach from him a little, but it is not going to help your marriage.
Dr. Harley told you not to chase him and I think sitting around as his option sends that message to a degree.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, actually he can, because it is not "our" home. It is his mothers home. We pay rent, but we do not have a contact. If they want to come over and change the locks while I'm not home, they can do that. In my state me living there gives me no claim to the home. It matters who's name is on the house.
That is not something I anticipate they would do, but honestly, at this point, I have very little faith in any of them, so for all I know they would. Since it is your legal residence they can't just change the locks and bar you from your home. They would have to through a legal eviction process. All you need to prove it is your residence [regardless of ownership] is a drivers license or a bill with your name and address on it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes, actually he can, because it is not "our" home. It is his mothers home. We pay rent, but we do not have a contact. If they want to come over and change the locks while I'm not home, they can do that. In my state me living there gives me no claim to the home. It matters who's name is on the house.
That is not something I anticipate they would do, but honestly, at this point, I have very little faith in any of them, so for all I know they would. This isn't a legal forum. However you still have rights. Tenant rights at a minimum. This is all speculation of what can happen. A lawyer can answer this question.
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bp, the thing to understand is that Plan B will not change your husband or give him motivation. Knowing your situation, I predict he would be blissfully happy to not have to deal with you. Surely, you know he is not going to change just because you go into Plan B?
This is why I think you need to do both. Plan B might be good for YOU in that it helps you detach from him a little, but it is not going to help your marriage.
Dr. Harley told you not to chase him and I think sitting around as his option sends that message to a degree. The issue is you can't make him change. Some people don't want to live an integrated marital life. In my aunts case, my wayward uncle became infuriated when she filed for divorce and drove through the neighborhood throwing naked pictures she had posed in on tge neighbor lawns. 2 years later, she's back with him. He refused to change and she didn't have the desire or willpower to stay away from h. Some people refuse to change behaviors.
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[
That is not entirely true in this case, it would take quite a bit of planning to file for divorce as the house I live in is in his mothers names. I can't just file without, at the very least, finding somewhere else to live, which also involves moving several animals.
I'm not making excuses, just noting that this is not the typical case of our home is in our name so I could stay. It's not, so I couldn't. And he made/makes, so little money, and we have so much debt, that I really can't go out and get an apartment for myself without some actual planning. You don't have to do any of that in order to file for divorce. You can file for divorce and then make plans at your leisure. bp, please listen to MelodyLane - it's very important that you start taking action on this quickly, so you aren't overcome with inertia. Let your friends here spur you to action, because it must be taken. Filing for divorce does not mean that your husband is allowed to put you out on the street destitute. He will still be financially responsible for his family.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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indie, have you listened to her call with Dr Harley? No my radio app is bust. I believe she was told not to chase him, that he had to clean up his act and offer a good marriage on his own account? That he should also apologise. I would agree completely. She cannot go on like this trying to push this dead weight uphill. He is torturing her. Yes, actually he can, because it is not "our" home. It is his mothers home. We pay rent, but we do not have a contact. If they want to come over and change the locks while I'm not home, they can do that. In my state me living there gives me no claim to the home. It matters who's name is on the house.
That is not something I anticipate they would do, but honestly, at this point, I have very little faith in any of them, so for all I know they would. I would do whatever you have to do to get on with your life instead of being benched in your own marriage. File for a D, get legal advice on your tenancy rights and stop trying to talk him into being married to you.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I added this to the above: Could I file the paperwork today? Sure, I work for lawyers(not family law) I'm sure I could get one of them to call up a friend and get something rolling today, but then I also run the risk of coming home to changed locks. There's still no reason you can't get a lawyer and start making plans for this TODAY. It needs to happen ASAP.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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FS (me)
WH
WH out of the house for 28 weeks
WH now on better AD's and is home!
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