She said usually denial would end by this point... that he would not be so convinced she was a good person unless his standards are actually lower and he doesn't see she is what she is and being with me was uncomfortable because I am too above HIM.

ICs are not good people to get marital advice from. I think you should just use the IC to work on you and not ask about your marriage.

The counseling rate for marriages is dismal, so if you want any chance at recovery it's best just to avoid them.

Denial can last a LONG time with WSs...

There are things you can do to see what the hangup with the divorce is. Call the clerk of court and they can actually look at it and tell you a lot.

I would have to agree with the other person that stated you should stop all contact even from his family. Information goes both ways. He feels good he is hurting you and he hears that through his family calling you. It just adds fire to a area you are already trying to put out. Keep in mind that your IC is probably right about your XH. He is living in this fog but its not to say he was not capable of being this mean person before. He just chose to do it now and it is being directed at you.

People always affair down. It is the very nature of having an affair you have to find someone with no morals and no standards. You will get the satisfaction in the end. Even if he stays with her its two less people in this world making someone elses life miserable. At least that is how I look at it.

Clay

I am working on me. Unfortunately, this long mess and all the gaslighting and other nonsense I dealt with is what made me seek counseling. Why can't I just let him go? He has done this horrible thing. He has allowed HER to do horrible things TO me and get away with it since there is no "proof". He lives with her. Filed for divorce for her. Told me he was NEVER confused and never on the fence and always knew it was her and not me but he didn't want to hurt me so he lied and made me think sometimes he wanted to come back to spare me the pain.... ENOUGH. ya know? But yet my gut still tells me we're not done, even though he says we most certainly are... and he lives with her... and he's planning a life with her... (he won't marry her he says but as soon as the divorce is final, I guarantee he will, he has done everything he said he wouldn't or didn't want to do) so why can't I just say F-You and let him go? ugh. So I am seeing an IC...

Yes Hawk... I am seeing they deserve each other.

Your feelings are normal. People do not just shut there feelings off for the other person. Its such a difficult process especially when you have been traumatized by the Spouse. While they were already moving on you were still feeling the love. I often think of its like "Watching a car wreck in slow motion" and there is nothing you can do about it.

I think if you do the No Contact you might see it will do some good. The divorce might still go through but he might at least thing about how he treated you. I think people don't really start to wake up until they feel they lost.

Clay

Translation:


I am high as a kite and go back and forth making false promises to two women. (c) to Pepperband

In other words, he wasn't trying to not cause you pain, if he was doing that, he would not be having an affair. This was being done for his benefit alone.

So true see the IC for yourself not your marriage. Are you on any ADs? I challenge you to post things you are doing for yourself not about WH's drama filled affairland. Start a new hobby, start reading a book collection (Dr. Harley has a good one), start working out, running, poetry something that has Zero ties to your WH.

I have started doing yoga and I am re-reading some books I've read in the past... I have the holiday's coming so I am also making plans to go away and spend it with my family. I also just started a new job that is the opportunity of a lifetime for me.. not just the job itself but where it is and the benefits, I love it there and I love the people there. I sometimes look at this situation and ask myself why I even care. I should not have had dinner with his mother. I really don't think she believed we were done. But we are. I also think people (not just me lol) got hooked on this drama and are sad to see it end for THEMSELVES. I do not allow anyone to mention him to me, but I did let his mother. She is moving though and I will never see her again. She invited me but I won't go, it would be awkward and weird and just keep stirring it up for me.

And a lot of what I talk to my IC about is how to just let him go now. I also believe that because I was in/out of counseling for myself during this and talked to friends I mixed my head up even more. I've learned I had a lot of angry and negative people around me. I am getting them out of my life. For me. I don't need people that claim to be on my side then get angry at me or want me to do what they want and don't listen to me but think I should listen to them. So I am doing housekeeping in my life too.

I am not on ad's... she is a psychologist and can't prescribe and my primary does not want me on un-necessary medication. She offered me trazodone to sleep which is an old school ad from the 60's (til they found it was better for sleep and is now used for that) but they make me a zombie the next day and I haven't taken one in a while. People on ADs in the 60's must have been "out of it" lol because that is how those pills make me feel the next day and if I had to take it every day... I'd never function lol.. my session with IC last night went well. She (and my family) really want me to sign, but I told her I won't. That I have never in my life signed anything I did not believe in and I do not believe this divorce is the solution. Unless this was an exit affair. I've actually tossed that idea around in my head for a little while now...

The very last message he left me was so guarded because he claimed he was afraid to say the wrong thing and I misinterpret - he would say in the past, the only person I love more than you is my mother but I just don't love you like a wife... or sometimes I want to come back but I was so miserable living there with you... so in this last message he was monotone, telling me he will always care about me, gave me the speech about how "just because we aren't together anymore" doesn't mean he doesn't care about me and how he knows by doing this I will end up happy. He listed things I have now that make me happy already and stopped short of saying "when you meet someone else"... my friend was here when I played it and she first thought he was about to cry at that point but then she was angry at how he was talking to me and told me to just cut him off and move on and tell him where to go... I am so AAACCKKKHHH about all this (and I know you all have had that feeling lol) that I hear negativity only from him. I didn't hear "about to cry" I heard "so tired of having to explain to this woman I don't love her anymore"

And one last thing before I have to go to work.. My IC said he loves giving that speech so much maybe he gives it so HE can hear it not you. Maybe he is trying to convince HIMSELF he no longer loves you. I don't know. Have dinner plans with an old friend tonight and will spend the weekend NOT thinking about this. LOL.. but I will probably post just to get it out of my head. Because sometimes it just creeps in there and I get angry or sad... I just feel so defeated and I feel like why did I let this drag on so long and not just say screw this a long time ago. And why can't I just say screw this now? Ugh. LOL..

I just want to be able to let go and mean it. I am tired of all this and how it feels. And I can't just do that. I don't know why. I keep thinking he's lying but what if he's not, what if he means it and I am not hearing him like he said. I wish him well on his path in life. I just want to be able to let go and can't.

and him and the posow is using the marriage builder principles ON me. that is the most upsetting for me.

they are standing united AGAINST me. I am his WIFE. And I am being treated as if I were the interloper.

it has also occurred to me he probably showed her my messages and let her hear my voicemails.

This is why Dr Harley recommends Plan B. This is usually what happens and if the BS does not exclude herself from the drama within THREE weeks, she suffers the strain and will get very unwell.

You are suffering the strain. You, not them.

If you were to exclude yourself from the drama, they would turn on each other instead of you.

Click on the link in my signature to learn how to do this properly.

If you are waiting until you feel stronger, that will never happen.

The longer you stay in Plan C, the weaker you will get.

Does it make sense to wait until you get better BEFORE you get away from an attack?

Nope. Get away to safety first, and you will feel stronger later.

Feelings follow actions, not the other way around.

Stop all contact and you will feel better.

Thank you all. Indie, I have no contact and do have an IM, but she has never been contacted as far as I know. There was the call from him on my bday and then another message left to give me the infamous, ILYBNILWY speech again to make sure I heard it. Nothing more. I was seeing his mom because it really is the last time I will ever see her and I know I will miss her. Until the end of our dinner, the topic was not on WH or POSOW, she brought them up as if I can do something to change it. As if I was "allowing this"... the thing is, she let him live in her home and date this POSOW and told everyone to just let it ride out... that he will come to his senses... and NOW that he's filed divorce she is confused and asked ME to help save my OWN marriage? LMAO... she enabled this, why be surprised it went the way it did when you allowed him to think it was "ok" to cheat on me and figure out his stuff? SMH