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IMy husband is a man that has adhd and has little jealousy and possessive qualities. My stepdad was like that with my mom and he realized he couldn't keep doing thagt and their marriage is better then ever. Am I saying mine will turn out the same way, no I'm not but I realized I need to do what makes me happy too along with compromising with my husband. And if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't meant to be. And I've learned not to judge people by one situation you hear or see and that you can't judge them when you aren't in their shoes. I think a lot of you have been a little harsh with me and I ask that you not judge me anymore. Thanks.. Thanks for the marriage advice. Coming from a person who has managed to wreck her own marriage in 3 months, how much stock do you think people will put in it? Your own advice doesn't work for you. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Really? Why don't we "bash celebrities"? I think the divorce rate in Hollywood speaks for itself. This isn't a general chat, it's to help real people with real problems with real solutions. Do you want help or not? Do you want a good marriage, or do you want to do whatever the heck you want, even if it hurts him? That's called being single, not married. Is he violent or not? Strange to mention that later on, and then ignore questions about separation/domestic violence and patter on about celebrities.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Bash celebrities? If a celebrity was here, they'd get the same advice. We don't make commentaries on others. How would you feel if your husband wanted you to ccompromiseon ssomething you didn't like? You would be upset and unhappy. And you would probably be resentful. Your best bet is to learn to negotiate so that both of youare eenthusiastic about decisions made.
If being independent and being able to do what you want is more important than not uupsetting your spouse, then you shouldn't be married.
Your looking at this as being restrictive. The thing is those of us that have happy marriages have embraced our spouse as our best friend and the one we want to spend our time with. I have a huge network of friends. I don't get to see them that often and that's okay. If my social life was a priority, I'd still be dating. Once a month Imight have a few beers with my mmen's indoor soccer team. But most social time with friends is when my wife and I have gotten a babysitter, we've spent our quality time together, and we'll meet up with other friends that are married or couples.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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Oh ok. Sorry I read that wrong
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And my marriage isn't wrecked if we are still togethee and talking about future plans. But you all have made me feel guilt so I have made a promise to mu husband to talk things over with him first before before I make decisions. Again, I just feel that some of you were a little harsher than othera with your words. You made me feel like i am terrible person which I am not.
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Before you do anything else, read the Basic Concepts. 5th link, second row in the red area at the top of the page.
xFWW(me)-48
Married-14 years
D-Day~23-May-11
NC- 14-Apr-11
1 DS 15
Online course July '11 to July '12
17 sessions with S. Harley Feb '12 to Sep '12
Divorced Jan 21, 2013
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Kruz, it�s good to see you�ve stuck around and listened to some of the advice. And my marriage isn't wrecked if we are still together and talking about future plans. Most marriages are in trouble (wrecked) because most people do not have a solid plan for how the relationship will play out. Many believe in unconditional love, fate or simply things should just �be� right because you took vows. M isn�t that way. It takes work and most importantly a proven plan to be great. Don�t feel bad that you are being criticized. We�ve all taken our lumps as most of us that are here have had a M that needed some help. We all have come with some behaviors that needed to change. But you all have made me feel guilty so I have made a promise to my husband to talk things over with him first before before I make decisions. Kruz please read everything you can on this site. As mentioned start with the Basic Concepts via the link at the top of the page. This promise you�ve made with your H is a very important one and one of the principles of Dr Harley�s plan. Policy of Joint Agreement. You will read about it in those Basic Concepts. Again, I just feel that some of you were a little harsher than others with your words. You made me feel like i am terrible person which I am not. No one is saying you�re a terrible person, but you, like many of us were, are not a great marital partner. That is why Dr Harley is so great. He has a very specific plan for having a great marriage. His goal is to create romantic love by meeting each other�s most important Emotional Needs, avoiding the things that make us lose love for each other (LoveBusters) and creating an interdependent relationship where the couple makes all their decisions together and they are radically honest with each other. Please start reading today if you haven�t already. One thing that will need to be addressed first and foremost is your H�s anger. If he has an anger issue, which it sounds like he does, than that will need to be addressed. Can you ask your H to join you here? Together you two can create a wonderful M where you are BOTH extremely happy and in love.
Me: 57 Her: 54
M: 31 years
Kids(DS23, DD20, DS18)
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No one said you are a terrible person. Keep in mind those of us in here have used this program to have a happy and secure marriage. We all had troubledmarriages when we got here and needed help. BBut everyone here works a full timejob and also has a marriage aand children to attend to. Since our time is limited, we are honest and direct. IIt's not to be mean, we just ddon't want to spend time on people that are not going to take the advice.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
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But you all have made me feel guilt so I have made a promise to mu husband to talk things over with him first before before I make decisions. When you are married, decisions should be made together, not unilaterally. Since your decisions affect him and vice versa, all of your decisions should be made on a mutual basis and done enthusiastically. Rather than the practice of "compromise" which is win/lose, look for win/win solutions. Read this post I made about compromise: I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.
Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.
This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.
The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I just found this quote by Dr Harley about the practice of compromise: "The secret to understanding your spouse is to think like your spouse's Taker. It's easy to appeal to your spouse's Giver. "If she really loves me, she'll let me do this." or "He'll be thoughtful enough to agree with that, I'm sure." But lasting peace must be forged with your spouse's Taker, so your solutions must appeal to your spouse's most selfish instincts. At the same time, it must also appeal to your own selfish instincts.
Resist one type of solution that your Giver and Taker may suggest the "I'll let you do what you want this time if you let me do what I want next time" solution. For example, imagine that you want to go out with your friends after work, leaving your spouse with the children. So to arrive at an enthusiastic agreement for that thoughtless activity, you suggest that you take the children another night so that your spouse can go out with his or her friends.
What you're really proposing here is that each of you will sacrifice so that the other can have fun. The problem with that arrangement is that you are agreeing to behavior that makes one of you unhappy whenever the other is happy, and as I've said earlier, once you have made an agreement, it can easily turn into a habit.
The Giver and Taker suggest those kinds of win-lose solutions because they don't understand win-win solutions. Their concept of fairness is that if you are both suffering equally, that's fair. My view of negotiation is that by the time you are finished you should have arrived at a solution where neither of you suffers. And each part of the solution should not require either of you to sacrifice so that the other can be happy.
One last point: Whenever a conflict arises, keep in mind the importance of depositing as many love units as possible while avoiding withdrawals. In other words, use the opportunity to find a solution that will make your spouse happy, and avoid solutions that make either of you unhappy. "
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thanks for all the advice. I guess I didn't realize what kind of group this was. I don't like having to follow one persons rules on marriage. I think spending time apart is good for a relationship. I will take myself off this website. Of course. Entirely your call, We can only give MB advice which isn't suited to your beliefs, I see.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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And why don't you bash on celebrities that spend time away from each other when they have to work. . Actually Dr Harley says there are notable Hollywood marriages which have gone the distance! These marriages are ones where caring and PoJA is uppermost and they have created an integrated life where they travel together. He spoke about this on the radio recently and it was very interesting. It is only the celebs who like to do their own thing regardless of the consequences who split up, so lets not give them all a bad name  I would suggest you listen to him on the radio if you have an interst in MB, if not don't worry. he also gets violent and thows things around our house. Are you also going to agree with him on that too? That is very concerning and worrying. My work takes me into a lot of contact with domestic violence and it always starts like this. One case I dealt with recently saw a happy marraige become one were items thrown at 8 months into the marriage. At ten months there was a near-fatal stabbing. People who lose control, lose control.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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