My advice still applies. Anyone supporting the A should be locked out tight from your dark Plan B. Obviously this applies to WH and OW if not others! How do know how they feel/act if you are dark? Being dark means having no idea what is happening in affair-land.





You need to know if the relatives are supporting the A or not. If OW is being invited to dinner then you need to Plan B the relatives supporting her.



By then your mind will be vegged out and useless. Dr H says contact of this nature can only be endured by women for THREE WEEKS! After that there are measurable health problems.

How long has it been already?

Tell your manager you feel harassed and report any health problems (I bet at the very least you are struggling to sleep). Surely the phone can be babysat by another colleague in the interim. Get creative.



There are better questions to ponder in life once you get out of this drama.

My manager said that she IS addressing it, there are other jobs out there if I am not satisfied with her response.

I just started this job in June. I lost my other job because the stress caused me to make a couple of mistakes. I am not losing another job because of him. Its the opportunity of a lifetime for me, even free college degree from a major university ($60K tuition a year if I lose the job)...

I hate to say it but you lost the last job because your Plan B wasn't solid. That's why the good doctor says women shouldn't be in Plan A for too long. The stress causes a lot of health risks. If he is contacting you at your job get a phone recorder and record the calls. Better yet pursue a temporary RO or order of protection. When he gets served he will either back off or go to jail.

I know it wasn't. I kept wanting the crumbs. I kept thinking he would see I love him. He doesn't care that I love him. My love is not the love he wants. I get that now. And I am plugging the holes. His mother keeps in touch and without being rude I don't know how to tell her to stop. She tells me and it gets me upset again. Does she do it to upset me? I don't think so. I think she really thinks I can do something about it and I can't. He doesn't care about anything but his POSOW. His mom tells me he changed, he's colder, not around as much etc. Of course he's not, you want him back with me and he doesn't want to hear it. He has told her to take my pictures down. We are done. And I am not thinking it's a fog anymore. I think there is/was no fog. If I ever come back here some day and we are reuniting.. remind me I said there is no fog lol..

I really just wanted to save my marriage and anytime I got a positive response I kept doing what seemed to work. All I did was make them cozier and me unhappier. Plan A really should be discontinued after 2 weeks. Hope a newbie who thinks like I did reads this.

When I would do things like back off, he would use it as further proof I did not want him. It never occurred to him I wanted HIM not him AND her and her kids etc while he lived with her and I was his "friend" he spoke to.

I can't wait til I have a new number. I still sometimes think I will hear from him. With a new number, THAT will stop too and I will finally have peace.

Focus ln the holidays. Enjoy your Thanksgiving, what gets me through times like you are having is this, you are alive and healthy while some people aren't. Count your blessings not your misfortunes.

This was the first Thanksgiving where we had absolutely no contact. The silence was deafening. But I tell myself this is how a divorce is, we are not friends, we are divorcing.

She was supposed to attend Thanksgiving with him. I did not contact my MIL so I don't know how that went and frankly don't want to know. It's the knowing which keeps me stuck. Aha moment? lol.. I imagine that they are happy and living in the open. I do know she spent several days "away" with "friends" before Thanksgiving (I suspect she has another, he is in denial, rumors run rampant) and then I refused to break my darkness. It's healing. It's quiet. No drama.

I wanted to save my marriage. Fear kept me from doing plan b for so long. Now I am here out of necessity rather than a plan. There is no plan. I keep telling myself, or reminding myself is more like it.. believe none of what he says and only half of what he does.

1) he will always care for me and the only person he loves more than me is his mother but he just doesn't love me like a wife
2) he was never miserable (after spending all this time swearing he was) and just wants to move on so we can both be happy
3) he filed for divorce because its time and she is unhappy

I know Christmas will be just as deafeningly quiet and have plans for that too so I won't be around or home.

Do they ever really wake up? I believe him now. I believe he is done and wants to move on with her to a new life.

Checked the county records... nothing has happened since I got the papers in the mail in August. Is this normal? Does this mean he is not pushing it through? Or will I look one day and suddenly there is a judgement of dissolution?

I don't want this. Plan B was scary, I understand why it's important. Triggers this weekend.. plus I just plain ole' miss who I married (I know he's not in there anymore).

I have not seen him in almost 7 months and except for when he yelled at me the day I got the papers, then left me an upbeat Happy Birthday message a week or so later (like he needed points with me for remembering - I tore him a new one after that) and the one weirdly monotone message he left me a month later (where he wishes me the best and I deserve happiness) we are not in contact.

Does your state have a waiting period? For example 6 months to a year (if there are children)?

BrainHurts, No, there used to be a 1 year waiting period until 2010 but he filed, no contest, 6 month irretrieveable breakdown citing physical separation since 2011. We are well past any waiting period if there had been one.

My lawyer told me not to sign if I don't want to, but to be very careful of any documents ensuring they are all under the same index number. She said I was not served properly so if he pushes it through I can have it set aside for that reason, but if he pushes it through after all this what would be the point? He wants me gone so bad he would do this.. why would I fight it? I am not signing because when we were having issues, pre POSOW, I would always shout "I want a divorce" so he keeps repeating, well, YOU are the one who wanted this... or if you didn't want a divorce you shouldbn't have said it all the time... so I am not signing to prove a point. I stood for saving our marriage, regardless of what I said during anger/hurt.... ACTIONS speak louder. If it matters to no one else but me at this point, I am still not going to sign.

Like I said, it shows the papers being sent to me, then nothing. I don't know what that means.

And the filing date is 8/28

Is it normal to have no further movement at this point?

My lawyer said if he does not push it through within 120 days of the filing date, he has to refile. Do you think he is still on the fence? Or do you think he doesn't know? Wouldn't his lawyer tell him? I already let my MIL know months back that he will have to push it through because I am not signing a single thing.

This is all that shows at the County Clerk Website:

Index No File Date File Code
X2XX-XX 2013/08/28 00 INDEX NUMBER
X2XX-XX 2013/08/28 01 SUMMONS & NOTICE

Today I woke up knowing its time to sign the papers and just be done.

I was fighting for nothing. There was no way he was coming back. No plan was going to change that. He did this so he could divorce me and not be alone while doing it. His anger at me for not just leaving and signing a long time ago and the OW's hostility and lies just further prove to me that it's not her he wants.. . it's me he wants to be rid of.

Honestly, I think you signing will be a good way for you to take that first step toward moving forward. Your posts show that you are still too wrapped in your WH's drama and I can only imagine the stress that is causing you. You deserve better!

I have decided to end it. But what I am beginning to wonder is if maybe there is no fog babble or speech and the wayward script isn't a script at all. Don't we all feel that way when we fall in love? Don't we all say that? Just because they are married, that means they don't really feel it?

I was in panic mode for so long all I wanted was to save what already died. I think he is not foggy or babbling, I think I just refused to listen like he said. He always said he didn't love me like a wife anymore and that he did want to spend his life with her. I know affairs are wrong, but maybe he really did always feel like that and it was not a script but the truth?

That is never the truth. If he never loved you he would not have married you.

BIG RED FLAG is that this was not said to you until after the affair started.

It is filthy pig rutting that they try DESPERATELY to make to be "true wuv" and that is NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.

DO NOT believe his fog!!!

Oh Stop. I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. It is the fog, even though he doesn't believe so.

Your spouse checked out the moment the affair started. He let the OW deposit love units in his love bank and decided to not let you do that. When they say affairs are relationships on steroids, of course it's true! In an affair, you do not have to deal with every day life! There are no kids, no financial issues, no interruptions. All there is is 100% focus on depositing love units in each other's love bank. Then it becomes an addiction. Your WS justified his actions by thinking, hmm...this OW is making feel amazing! I must not love my wife anymore.

The affair is an illusion. An illusion of what could be (imagine a relationship with no every day issues they have to deal with). And when you put an illusion against real life, illusion always wins. It wins because he doesn't get that it's not real. That is foggy, that is babbling.

I agree with RQ - end it for your own health and sanity. You do deserve better.

Honey, he does not matter a bit.

All your posts are an analysis of his mindset, the OW. Look at your signature for heavens sake. The section for your description of YOU is filled with a description of THEM.

Who cares what a couple of drunks are thinking or doing? Please, please STOP THE MADNESS!

What's good for you right now?

I think it's signing the D papers (simply because you can control the process and stop thinking about it then) and then going dark. Healing.

But just keep asking yourself: "What's good for ME right now?"

I agree and I have signed, we will be divorced soon. My number will be changed as soon as my manager allows it in February.

My IC has me writing out a closure letter to destroy when I am done. It's helping me put it all in perspective instead of being all over the place in my head. I have done furniture rearranging to make the home look different and to claim it as my own personal space with zero connection to my marriage. There isn't even a picture of him laying around. Nothing to show he ever once lived there. And nothing to make him want to stay or feel welcome should he decide to mess with my mind pretending to love me again.

In writing the closure I realized that the fog makes sense but I really don't think he is in a fog. He has destroyed it all. He lied and cheated and placed her above me. He made her the wife and at one point even tried to get me to play skank whore on the side while she was the real relationship. I am sick and disgusted not just with him but with myself. How could I have allowed that for someone who doesn't even love me? Who crapped on all we had and left me to die on the side of the road without an ounce of remorse only justification because I am such a bad human being. No I do not believe this, but with all his heart he truly does and it's why he's with her and not me.

I am doing better and every day get even better. I am beginning to truly hate the man I married and wonder why I never saw who he was before. THIS is who he is, the man I married was the fraud. When I can look at a picture of him and want to vomit rather than cry I will know I am done. I feel like such a fool to have married this man who played me and used me. His new wife to be tells everyone he was only with me because he was lonely and he was using me to get back on his feet. Honestly? She's probably telling more truth since he never lied to her than I can even imagine. I should have been talking to her and not him this whole time haha... she knew the truth all along.