CS,

It's generally a swab of the gums for DNA tests, then send it in through the mail, look it up online. BTW telling their OW they had a vasectomy is a classic OM lie, just assume anything OM told your WW is a lie too.

There's also a chance there have been other affairs and other OM.

Before you can settle this matter it's a good idea to make a very complete list of your questions about the affair.

Have your WW answer those questions. Then take your WW for a polygraph where they ask her did she answer all your questions truthfully.

Did you expose the OM at his workplace, there are many professions where having an affair can make a black mark on their career or get them fired particularly if you can prove they were doing something on company time.

Do you know of any other OW from OMs past, expose to their BHs.

God Bless
Gamma

During this time I also encourage you to exercise.
It will literally kill depression.

1. I know he had the vasectomy because my father in law, was the one who made him get it when he was part of the old church. He knew of his history, of pornography and womanizing.

2. When do I ask my WW those questions. When is that a safe time to do that? My Father exposed him somewhat at his workplace and his own wife's family called his workplace.

3. Is the conversation I am having with her correct.

4. I am exercising. I started at 244 and down to 215.

The conversation sounds good. Its just important that there are no disrespectful judgements or angry outbursts in your conversations.
This will be a trying time in Plan A.
You may be trying to meet emotional needs as she's planning to have sex with the affair partner

Dr Harley typically recommends plan A for up to 6 months.

So try to ask yourself daily, "What emotional needs can I meet today?"

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2400725&page=1

Here you can read how to do a stellar plan A.

Do not expect to get your own needs met while in plan A, and as was said above:
Don't plead, lead your family out of this mess with dignity.

God bless

Happyheart

Ok. Thank you everyone. I will try my best and keep you updated. I appreciate the support.

***update*** My book came in the mail finally and I am starting to read it.

Today, with some assistance with my mother, I was able to paint the room my Wife and I were supposed to paint. I cleaned the house and the cars. She has been using her parents car.

Well, I been trying to stick to the Unconditional Love approach, gave her a hug and try to compliment her and all. We went out as family, with our daughter and then later it was just us 2.

When it was just us, I took her by the hand and told her I was sorry for neglecting her needs. She look like she was about to tear up a little bit...

Well as the day progress we go to the movies to see Thor and we talk a little before going into the theatre.

After the movie, we talked about getting something to eat and I made the comment under my breathe "This is getting out of hand..." I was pretty much battling emotions on what to say and what to ask...

We pull into a parking lot and that's when we she let me have it. I was explaining to her about how details of the affair she can share with me to help me heal/trust and then she went into...

"Ever since your porn addiction, and the lies that you told to cover it up, I have checked out this marriage. I needed/wanted someone to take care of me because I am always taking care of someone else. I have been so unhappy and I emotionally have checked out a long time ago before the OM should up."

I said I am sorry for not taking care of you, I really am. Got a little silent and she started asking me if I acted out recently and I honestly told her No, which is the truth. I later ask her has she been with more than just this OM and she said, I am not going to answer any questions at this time, because emotionally I am dead inside and I can't say yes, no or 1, 5 or 0.

Then as we are heading home, she says she doesn't feel she can trust me with the details because I might go and tell somebody. I said to her that right now, the marriage falls on both our shoulders and no one can interfere at this point. Details are for helping me heal and trust. So we are supposed to wait until the marriage counselor to talk.

Did I do something wrong in this particular conversation? I know the love bank must be dropping low now.

She did however confess she tried to reach out to OM after telling everyone to see what has happened...

I know she is reaching out to OM. This is an active affair and you must regard it as such.

Regarding conversation, affair talk causes love bank withdrawls.

I would try to avoid talk of the affair and focus on pleasant conversation.

Ok. I will continue.

I woke up today and I can't lie... I feel like giving up and saying, lets just get a divorce. I am still reading the book and trying to put effort in but I feel just so beat down emotionally and all. Maybe I need to slow myself down.

My parents stopped by and they are no help. Seems I am just being put down and beat down by them like this is my fault that it happen...

For the sake of your daughter ypu should give plan A for 6 months.
Ylu can do it.
Watch a Rocky movie for inspiration.
You're in the ring fighting for your marriage and family

Thanks, I am still implementing Plan A I am going to do 6 months. Since she is staying at her parents house, I been visiting her only for a few hours and trying to keep the conversations pleasant as much as possible and trying to not to bring up the affair what-so-ever.

Also, she said today "I was watching a Christmas movie and it made me kinda miss you."

Is that good?

Also, since she and our daughter our staying at her parents, what should I be doing to make sure I can implement Plan A effectively?

Today we are going to see the marriage counselor... I will let you know how that goes. Supposedly she has dealt with these issues and had helped marriages stay together after adultery.

Sir I think you are making a mistake.
The mere fact that the counselor is seeing you together is a huge red flag.
Besides there is no point in seeing a counselor during an active affair.
This will cause love bank withdrawls and not help your plan a or your marriage.

I suggeat you cancel the appt immediately

The only hope for your marriage is to follow the MB program.
Dr Harley is a national expert and has counseled more that 50, 000 couples.
He has much more understanding than a local counselor.

The fact is your wife is having a 2+ year affair with a relative. She is an expert and lying and making excuses as to why your marriage is dying.
Its dying because she is devoting herself to another man.

You need to focus on killing the monster named Affair and Plan A.

Couseling will not help you in this battle and it will only be used as a platfo for your wife to lie, complain about you, and make demands.

As the betrayed spouse YOU should be in the drivers seat of recovery. YOU should make demands that she end the affair and follow a MB recovery program.

You don't put the cheating, addictive spouse in charge of recovery.

There's a proverb "When the blind lead the blind both fall into the ditch"

Well, we still saw the MC...

I know, you don't think that is wise but it did to seem somewhat beneficial. I am still doing plan A. Fixed more up of the house and myself and I did some snooping and found some gifts he gave her...

A couple of questions, is there any way to get a history of texts without having to notify her. She had the phone plan assigned to her email and I don't know her password and she's not here and I don't think she will divulge that stuff. We have iphone's by the way.

Today she seemed to be waking up. She said she was having a bad day and has been thinking about everything.

Shes not waking up. She's deep in the fog.
Have you seen an attorney?

Also does the relative she's having an affair with have any criminal background?
Drugs etc?

Can you put spyware on her phone?