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She was devastated and pregnant with our second child. She and I worked through my knucklehead issue at work...and we told no one. It remains a family secret and something I hope never has to be revealed. But as I head down this road, I am seeing that it could be revealed which would hurt a lot of people and perhaps affect my current career and future career path. Bottom line, if I expose her to the masses, there is certainly on my part that she will reveal my work-related issue from all those years ago. The purpose of exposure is to save your marriage. So if you want to help conceal the affair due to some fear that she will tell all on you, then there is not much hope here. How much will your secret matter if you are divorced because you failed to take the necessary steps to save your marriage? Secrets do not make us better people, they make us worse. "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." hereWhen an affair is not exposed, the wayward spouse typically never comes out of the fog because affairs and fantasies thrive on secrecy. Your spouse is more likely to continue her affair or have another one because her mindset will not change. You also lose the benefit of having others hold her accountable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So....here is my question: Do I reveal that now? Question her why this POSOM is her #2 friend on Snapchat? Or keep quiet for now? Why confront her when you know that she will just explain it away as she always does. Don't give away your sources. Good advice from pokerface. I would sit tight until you have some real evidence. Waywards are NEVER that clever so it won't take long to get the goods. What snooping resources do you have in place? Did you hire a PI to follow her when she is out of town?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Credit card option may have legs...but what can a PI get? Corporate phone records? iMessages that I can't get?
These are very peculiar circumstances...the OM is not local. So ALL communications between trips are either electonic through a work computer, texts or phone calls. Just curious how a PI is able to crack that code. He would follow her on a work trip and get the evidence. He might also have some ideas on how to get her corporate phone records. How is this going?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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2. Perhaps the biggest issue I face with the MB protocol is this: in the late 1990's, while a trader on wall street, I took some liberties at work that resulted in my being fired and having to start over in a new sector. It was a HUGE mistake and when the issue broke, I sat down with my W, came clean and explained everything to her. She was devastated and pregnant with our second child. She and I worked through my knucklehead issue at work...and we told no one. It remains a family secret and something I hope never has to be revealed. But as I head down this road, I am seeing that it could be revealed which would hurt a lot of people and perhaps affect my current career and future career path. Bottom line, if I expose her to the masses, there is certainly on my part that she will reveal my work-related issue from all those years ago.
What say you? Ok so that was 15 years ago? Do you think your current employer will have grounds to fire you because of something that happened 15 years ago? Do you want to keep looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life? Maybe you should come clean yourself so you can stop being afraid of being blackmailed. I have a lawyer friend who got caught doing unethical things and was sent to jail and disbarred. He redeemed himself by facing what he did, turning himself around and EARNING back trust. He is now again very successful (in his new field) and very loved and respected by his peers who ALL know of his past. He is one of the happiest people I know. He is a true success story.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I see that you previously posted that your youngest child is now 10.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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She should not be in contact with him ever. That is proof that something is going on. Don't say anything yet just verify to be certain.
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I see that you previously posted that your youngest child is now 10. Yes.
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Pokerface....you are a Godsend...and my heart hurts for you because I know the advice you provide is partly or mostly derived through many hard times of your own. Thank you. I got through the hard times by following the advice here. MB saved my marriage and my family. It also taught me how to become a better person and be a positive role model for my daughters.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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In all honesty, you need to file for divorce and get rid of this stress and insanity. Having these worries is no way to live. It will be tough at first but eventually, you will be glad that you did, maybe even sooner than later. If shes not cheating yet (i think she is) she will be soon. In my opinion, if there is no transparency or even limited, then there cant be trust at this point.
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In all honesty, you need to file for divorce and get rid of this stress and insanity. Having these worries is no way to live. It will be tough at first but eventually, you will be glad that you did, maybe even sooner than later. If shes not cheating yet (i think she is) she will be soon. In my opinion, if there is no transparency or even limited, then there cant be trust at this point. The best thing he can do is fight for his marriage and family using MB principles.
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In all honesty, you need to file for divorce and get rid of this stress and insanity. Having these worries is no way to live. It will be tough at first but eventually, you will be glad that you did, maybe even sooner than later. If shes not cheating yet (i think she is) she will be soon. In my opinion, if there is no transparency or even limited, then there cant be trust at this point. Divorce is not a magic wand that will fix everything. It will bring on a whole new set of stress and insanity. I was told by psychologist that kids are at sensitive ages and would be severely damaged by split. What should I do? You have not yet gotten any answers to your own question on this subject...so why are you suggesting that C split up his family?
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Credit card option may have legs...but what can a PI get? Corporate phone records? iMessages that I can't get?
These are very peculiar circumstances...the OM is not local. So ALL communications between trips are either electonic through a work computer, texts or phone calls. Just curious how a PI is able to crack that code. He would follow her on a work trip and get the evidence. He might also have some ideas on how to get her corporate phone records. How is this going? Here. Private Investigators
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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She and I worked through my knucklehead issue at work...and we told no one. It remains a family secret and something I hope never has to be revealed. But as I head down this road, I am seeing that it could be revealed which would hurt a lot of people It is not the truth that hurts people. People can handle the truth. It is the deception that hurts the most. ETA: It was a mistake to try to keep it a secret and create the illusion that you are someone else. You can fix this by becoming honest about it and redeeming yourself.
Last edited by pokerface; 11/14/13 10:16 AM.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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The purpose of exposure is to save your marriage. So if you want to help conceal the affair due to some fear that she will tell all on you, then there is not much hope here. How much will your secret matter if you are divorced because you failed to take the necessary steps to save your marriage? Secrets do not make us better people, they make us worse. "Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery." hereWhen an affair is not exposed, the wayward spouse typically never comes out of the fog because affairs and fantasies thrive on secrecy. Your spouse is more likely to continue her affair or have another one because her mindset will not change. You also lose the benefit of having others hold her accountable. Excellent post.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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Stick to your original thread so we can see context. Depending on where you are in the process, we might advise you add this to evidence in preparation for exposure, or tell her you don't want her using snapchat any more, or something else. There's no way to tell because I have to go looking for the rest of your thread to see where you are at. 
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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