This is a long story; I apologize for rambling�I can barely get through a day without swinging between extremes of wanting to divorce him and then thinking about putting it behind us like it never happened. I also think ignorance would be bliss�would be better off not knowing, he should have to spend the rest of his life living with the guilt.

My husband is an auditor and travels frequently; he�s usually gone for at least a week or two each month. He went to South Carolina for an assignment three weeks ago and I thought it was a normal trip like any other; he did tell me he was going with his co-worker, Emily, who I�ve met before and didn�t think anything of them traveling alone together. I hadn�t the slightest idea she was interested in my husband since she�s 16 years younger than him and has a serious boyfriend.

This past Saturday, I ran into his manager�s wife at the mall. We made small talk and out of the blue she said she had to hand it to me�she�s not as secure as me, she would never let her husband share a room with a younger, female co-worker. I was baffled, had no idea what she was talking about and just laughed it off that we had a very strong marriage. I spent the rest of my mall trip thinking about it and when I got home, I took the kids to the neighbors� house to play so I could question him. I told him what his manager�s wife said and his face dropped. He came clean that his company was severely cutting back on expenses and asked him and Emily if they would be OK with sharing a room for the audit engagement; he didn�t tell me because he didn�t want to make a big deal about it. I believed him and left it alone, but I had a nagging feeling about it. I questioned him again after I put the kids to bed, telling him I didn�t feel right about it.

He broke down with his face in his hands; said he was very sorry, it meant nothing and he told Emily it couldn�t happen again and it was a mistake, and he would do whatever it takes to make it up to me. I was stunned, felt like I had the wind knocked out of me, and couldn�t believe what he was telling me. He was blubbering and I told him to slow down and start from the beginning and I wanted the entire truth and details.

He said the part about the company making them share a room was true and his manager and HR made a big deal about making sure it was OK with him and Emily. He didn�t want to tell me because he knew how I would react and there was no way around it because he had to go. They went about work normally, had dinner with the clients and went back to the hotel. I believe him when he says he didn�t have any sexual thoughts in mind and he didn�t think she did either; he says she hadn�t flirted with him at all. He said they both went about their night routines, got into the separate beds, the lights went out and they made small talk until it got quiet.

At this point, I thought he was going to have a seizure; he could barely find the words through his crying. He said he was half asleep on his side facing away from her, but could hear her moving around in her bed. He said all of a sudden she got into bed with him and when he turned around to face her, she kissed him and pressed up against him and he knew she was naked. He said he stopped thinking, got caught up in the moment, his clothes came off and they had sex in the dark. He said they did it again before falling asleep. He said he woke in the morning and she was back in her bed. He went into the shower to get ready for work and to clear his head (genius that he is, he didn�t lock the bathroom door). She joined him in the shower and they had sex again. They got dressed and left for the client�s office without talking. He said the day went by without any awkwardness from her as if nothing had happened. Through his crying, he said they had sex three times that night and again in the shower the next morning before leaving for the airport. He said reality set in on the flight back; he was wracked with guilt and disgust of himself. When they landed, he told her it was a mistake and it would never happen again. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I was in shock, just couldn�t process it. I couldn�t look at him and told him that I would sleep in the guestroom that night.

I really owe it to his manager�s wife, I never would�ve found out otherwise. He came home and didn�t seem different at all. I believe he�s told me the complete truth and I can see that he�s genuinely remorseful and scared of losing the kids and me. I just wish I could get inside his head to understand how he could have sex with this woman seven times. He�s tried to explain it as being in another city, in a strange hotel arrangement and having someone so much younger aggressively come onto him.

I just don�t know if I can get past it. How can he come home and act perfectly normal? I�ve asked him if he enjoyed the sex and he refuses to answer, says he doesn�t want to add more hurt, but I want to know. They didn't use protection so he's going to get tested; thankfully he had a vasectomy. He says they don�t talk at work unless it�s work related and that no one has a clue what happened. He says he�ll find an excuse not to travel with her again.

I just don�t know what to do. My mind is screaming divorce most of the time, but I also think about the life we�ve built together and our kids�how can I just throw it away without trying to fix it for them and then I think how he easily threw it away for cheap sex.

I�m just a mess.

Jess,

Be glad you got the truth so quickly, you need to.

Continue to read here on MB.

Expose your WH and OW at work, one or both need to leave the job as there can be no contact for the rest of their lives.

Expose the OW to her BF who will help watch OW and keep her away from your WH.

Get an STD test for yourself and your WH. Possibly not have sex with your WH until the infectious period for HPV is over.

Get a polygraph for your WH.

God Bless
Gamma

He will need to resign from the place he works.

He should do so immediately.

Also, the boss needs to know since they created the horrible mess by asking them to share a room......(how insane is that?!)

Jess, I am so sorry this has happened to you. You are in the right place and we can help you save your marriage if you will follow these strict steps. Otherwise the affair will continue.

First off, I don't believe the company asked your husband to share a room with a female. That would leave them wide open for a massive lawsuit. You would have legal recourse against them. The female coworker would also have a suit against them for sexual harassment. You might want to visit his human resources director to verify that they know their employees are sleeping together and especially that they are having an affair.

Secondly, this affair happened because your husband travels. Traveling jobs are an invitation for an affair. It will happen again if he doesn't change jobs.

Your marriage will never recover unless a) your husband finds a job where he does not travel and b) ends all contact with the OW forever. Recovery is impossible unless both of these things happen. Your husband's affair will continue.

The next thing I would do is expose his affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so keeping it a secret only serves to enable the affair. Everyone should know, your family, children, the OW's boyfriend and family, close friends. Exposure is the most therapeutic step you can take towards recovery. Please read the link in my signature for tips on exposure.

And your husband is not having a "two night stand," he is having a regular physical affair that has been going on for some time. It began as an emotional affair and became physical. That did not happen over "2 nights."

But you can call the director of Human Resources tomorrow and ask them directly if they asked a married man to share a hotel room with a female subordinate on a business. You will have grounds to sue them.

Additionally, I would give your husband exactly one month to get out of there or you should tell the workplace all about his affair. Read this...

From Dr Harley's book, Surviving an Affair - pg 71,

How could this not be a huge lawsuit? A company forcing OS employees to share a room.

Sorry for your pain. Have you been to your doctor to be tested for STD/I?

Please read this.
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

Great set up for a porn film....

This story is HIGHLY suspect. Call your husband's employer to verify.

I suspect your H spun this tale to "soften the blow" ("I never meant to have an affair, but my younger, attractive co-worker slipped into my bed unbidden and I was helpless to resist....").

I know you want to believe him, but steel yourself for more information - information that makes much more sense.

Other list members will likely advise you to have your H take a polygraph.

Do it soon - it will give you much peace of mind and speed your recovery, if you choose recovery.

Good luck -

BV

As others have said, his story isn't credible.

He is trying to make a long term emotional and physical affair more palatable for you to forgive. It keeps you around while he decides who he wants. Plus he might get you to agree to his keeping his job if you buy this story.

It isn't credible that his firm forced them to share rooms and then the OW forced her way into his bed. Absolutely everyone else is to blame but him!


Sorry but he is trickle truthing you. If you ask him to take a poly you will get the rest of the story.

But first you should do a full exposure and as Melody Lane suggested aim to expose to his employers.

He needs to leave his job.

I don't know whether it would be a good strategic move (re. exposure timing as well as potential employment/legal issues), but I feel like the manager's wife could be a vault of information regarding this situation. Would it make sense for you to invite her out for coffee, share your husband's ridiculous version of events, and ask her if she has any other information? Perhaps she would agree to casually broach the subject with her husband to see what he says and then report back to you.

I feel like she mentioned the hotel situation because she was trying to give you a heads up. She could be your ally.

I agree. She knew about the affair and wanted her to know.

I was thinking the same thing JC.

OS coworkers sharing rooms sounds ridiculous to me. Expecially from auditors who often include potential litigation exposure in the scope of their audits. Litigation is something they think about and it does not make sense that they would open the door for a harassment case.

A company would never in a million years allow a male and female to share a hotel room! I am so very sorry that you are going throught this as I have my own issues and sometimes it is hard for us to see the truth right in front of us because we want to be blind and not see it. I need to start following my own advise.

I think you need to sit down with your husband again and discuss all of this.

Thank you to everyone for the advice and words of encouragement. Deep down I knew his story didn�t add up, but I really wanted to believe he was telling me the truth. I don't know where the time has gone over the last few days.

I had coffee with his manager�s wife yesterday to find out what else she knew�I�m amazed that this woman, who doesn�t even work at the company, knows all the office gossip. She mentioned �sharing a room� as her way of telling me about my husband�s cheating without actually coming out and telling me; she thought it would be better to have him come clean to me instead of me hearing it from someone else. I told her his version of being asked to share a room with Emily�she rolled her eyes and had a good laugh.

The manager�s wife told me what she heard from the receptionist. Apparently Emily told her close friend at work (some close friend to spread word of an affair) about their encounters and the friend told the receptionist. They didn�t share a room; they happened to have rooms next to each other with adjoining doors. According to Emily�s version of events�they had an early dinner with the client, she suggested they have drinks at the hotel bar since it was too early to go to bed, they got a little more than tipsy, things got flirty and she kissed him. My husband got nervous, said they better go up and they went to their separate rooms. After going up, she knocked on the adjoining door and they ended up having sex. They had sex again in the morning, that night and in the morning before leaving to come home.

I thanked her for tipping me off and telling me what she heard. She suggested I kick him out and lawyer up, but I said I couldn�t make any rash decisions. Honestly, it didn�t hurt as much as I expected it to�guess I�m just that numb at this point.

Last night, I told my husband what his manager�s wife had told me about adjoining rooms and that he wasn�t telling me the truth. I didn�t mention a word of what she said Emily said, wanted to see what kind of lies he would tell me this time�

Surprisingly, he didn�t have a panic attack. He just sighed deeply and said he made up a story to lessen the damage. He really thought I would never find out and he sincerely meant it would never happen again.

According to his new version of events and I�m hoping it�s the real truth�they were drinking in the hotel bar after dinner, things got very flirty and she kissed him on the cheek very close to his lips. He was thrown off and said they better go up. When he got to his room, he said he was very aroused/worked up when she knocked on the adjoining door�they ended up having sex two times. She didn�t stay afterward, picked up her clothes and went back to her room and closed the door behind her; said he just rolled over and fell asleep. He woke up, went into the shower and she ended up joining him. He said she heard the shower come on from her room and decided to join him, he didn�t try to turn her away.

They went to work normally, drank at the bar again that night and went up to his room together and had sex several more times. She didn�t leave that night and they showered together in the morning. He said when they landed, he told her it was an isolated incident and wasn�t going to carry on�he just let himself get caught up in the sex. She said she understood and it would be their secret. I can�t believe this stupid [censored] went and told her coworker/friend. If she seriously didn�t want or expect anything from my husband if it really was an isolated incident, why wouldn�t she just keep it to herself?

I don�t want to out either one of them at work, but I need to talk to her to find out the truth and what was she thinking sleeping with someone much older than her. I don�t believe she just wandered back into his room to shower in the morning. I do believe he told her it wasn�t going to happen again.

At this point, I�m going to enter individual counseling and he said he would do the same. He actually brought up couples counseling before I did. He said he�s going to call me several times a day from work, he�ll let me know if he has to work late and who will be in the office with him, and he�ll let me check his emails and cell phone.

I just want to know how he could jump into bed so easily with her. I don�t get it.

So you don't want to work on saving your marriage? Did you read any of our posts? We have given you a step by step plan to save your marriage from top psychologist, Dr Bill Harley, who specializes in infidelity. He is the author of Surviving an Affair. We have saved our marriages using these steps. Do you want to save your marriage?

The first steps are that your husband must leave that job and the affair must be exposed. There is no other way to save your marriage.

Do you want to save your marriage?

Also, you should know the affair is not over. It will not end until he leaves that job. Sorry.

Counselling is usually the kiss of death after an affair. I would strongly urge you to avoid counselling and consider the MB plan instead. There are free materials you can use on the site or you can use the counselling centre. There are also a few counsellors who use MB plans, if you want to find one, but most like to drag out the pain and don't have a plan. Counsellors have an appalling failure rating and a higher rate of divorce than the general population.

I don't really believe this was an isolated incident. He's travelled with her before, hasn't he? They have had at least an EA. You will need a polygraph to get the entire truth.

Travelling jobs tend to create second lives. Men in particular are very good at compartmentalising and just not considering the other life when in a certain mode. Now his two lives have collided and he is absolutely horrified at what you will think of the other one. He's not going to give it up easily.

This is the most shameful thing he has ever done and he is not going to open up all the details for inspection easily. He can;t face it, but you must. You will have to insist on a poly.

Also, until he leaves the job the A is still on. Daily contact will only strengthen their feelings.

I know you are going through a lot an are in shock.

Be sure to 1) eat and 2) sleep. Even if you just lie down occasionally and chew something from time to time.

Hugs.

First priority - You must insist he leave the job.

Jess, I suspect you are probably in shock, but I want to emphasize to you that an affair is not something that can be swept under the rug. All of this "counseling" you are planning is a distraction from saving your marriage. Your marriage will not survive unless you take very specific steps to recover. Most marriages do not survive affairs and yours will not unless you do these things. Here is what Dr Harley has written about this:

So long as they continue to work together, your husband is engaged in an active affair.

He must leave the job to save your marriage.

Please follow Melody's advice.

That is a ridiculous plan. You knew who he was with last time and that didn't help.



OW are almost uniformly chatty. Melody Lane described them recently as a 'strange breed of cat' but the cat lovers on here got offended.

Honestly, in two years on here I've never known of anyone who just upped and got into bed with someone they had no feelings for after years of faithfulness.

There are two types of adultery: 1) one off affairs and 2) serial cheats.

With 1)The wayward has allowed another person to meet an important emotional need. Flattery or conversation or affection etc. They have feelings for the person which mount up until they become addicted to that person and are ultimately powerless to avoid sex. In 2) the person is a serial cheat addicted to the chase and wants to get sex and attention from a variety of unexpected situations.

I'd say your H fits into the first category of developing feelings for the woman. It would be quite natural for him to become slowly attached to a woman he either works ot travels with. If we were to believe his story that he just lunged at the chance for sex, we'd have to consider him a serial cheat who has done this before, or will do it again.

She's not just a random meeting, she's a colleague who has access to his feelings. When the other person is a co-worker it's almost always an EA which ultimately becomes a PA. Our co-workers are friends we spend HOURS a week with and without appropriate boundaries Opposite Sex friends are a danger to marriage.

If he is type 1, then he only needs to quit the job for recovery. If he was a serial cheat, he'd have to work in a single sex environment or work at home. Luckily, it is very very likely he isn't.

He has feelings for her and needs to quit the job.

He must quit the job.

Hopefully, he can find another one soon.

You better hope he does this at the least.

You may be looking at needing to relocate far from your current home as a couple to make continuing the affair less attractive. (sometimes people continue affairs after ending coworker relationships)

Just so you have this clue about the nature of crossing boundaries with other people and its effect on your once good marriage:

THIS IS POWERFUL ADDICTIVE STUFF!

Your husband has opened an addictive can of worms that he will not be able to control with will power.