Thanks for moving the post Prisca.

We both feel very strongly about NFP, I'm not sure we can find something else. I'm totally against anything chemical, so that greatly reduces our options I belive.

I understand being against anything chemical. There are other options out there, that don't include anything chemical, which may work out better for you. Explore them.

The problem with continuing with NFP is that, although you both agree with the idea of it, it is causing problems that is making you both unhappy.

You definitely need to explore additional options with your husband and find something that will make you both happy.

One problem about the topic of birth control is that in a little while a lot of people will show up to showcase their vast knowledge of sex and birth control options. They will be happy to explore those options with you, when really what you need is further exploration of the topic with your husband.

Alada, have you considered making a gynecologist appointment and bringing your husband with you?

You can discuss your options directly without making a permanent decision.

Today I caught FWH in a lie, I think he is a compulsive liar.

When I got home from work, he told me he had looked up on the web tips on how to stop being and avoider. He elaborated on what he found. He also looked for birth control methods.

Later today he left to get the car and I opened the computer on the history tab. No signs of he searching for any of the above. When he got home, I asked him about it, andhe stated again he did searh, maybe it got deleted from the history. It took me about 10 mins of me asking to get the truthh out of him. He finally admited he did not do the search and he made up the story. His argument is that he wanted me to admire his action. He said he did tought of doing the search but got caught up on a sports web page and forgot about it.

The big issue for me, is that he is still lying, I have no confidence now on his confession. I wrote his confession and got him to check it. He did. I later asked him to write his own confession and he said he did not remember any more and did not want to write a lie...

It's been six weeks since Dday, and I need to get all the truth. I have no access to a polygraph, my only way to make sure he is saying the truth is contacting OW, but I can't trust her either. There is some stuff I know for sure I have the truth, and I was thinking of asking OW her own version of it,to see if it matches and then from there...what am I saying, I feel we are back to square one. Don't know what to do.

About the lying, he is a "look good" liar and "get out of trouble liar"
I was also. Sometimes I catch myself about to lie and take a moment to stop.

As for the truth, schedule a polygraph.

Hi Alada, are you using NFP for faith reasons, or is it for health concerns?

Yes JediKnight, that is exactly what he wants, how do I get him to stop with the lies?

There is a polygraph on the other side of the border, but it will be in english and FWH is not fluent, I wonder if that could be a problem.

LateforSky, I started using it for faith reasons, but right now is for both, faith and health.

We had a talk about his lying patterns and all. I asked him again about his A and there were more lies. Important lies. Among the several things he confessed initially I thought I had the truth on some stuff, and it turns out I didn�t. I don think I have posted the complete story, so I�m going to write it out for you in hopes that you help me see if there are holes or parts where you think I�m not getting the truth.

OW and FWH chatted about her problems. One day they walked to the library and she asked for a hug. FWH hugged her and then he started to feel atraction for her, at least a stronger one. Before this they never talked about the feelings they had for each other. She had a motorcycle accident and was not able to carry her school bag, so he walked her to her car. OW�s car was parked at the very end of the parking lot. So they were in a remote place. Once the reached the car, OW asked for another hug, FWH huged her and then kissed her. I have asked several times if he touched her, I have made specific questions and he has said no to all of them. The first week their kisses were short. They would go to her car, get in it, talk about their love and kiss. This all happened at school. Never went anywhere else, although they were planning on going to the movies.
The second week came by and FWH started to feel remorse and told her, but OW kept pushing saying that she was confortable and that he loved him. OW talked about her problems with her boyfriend. On the last day of the affair, they went to get some paperwork from one of my cars. FWH went to my office to get some papers, while OW waited outside and then went in my car to get some permits.
Originally he have told me that OW was quiet all the way. Yesterday he admited they did talk AND kissed. FWH says OW asked him how he was feeling and he again said was feeling remorseful. He had his family to take care and this was not ok. OW got quiet for a while and then started talking again about problems with her B. Once they reached the offices for the permit, OW didnt want to get out of the car, in case someone saw them. When FWH came back he kissed OW. On their way back they kept talking about her problems.

It has been 7 weeks and now I finally found out they kissed in my car. The car I have been driving, the one I use to pick up the girls from school, the one where we have spent time chatting about our marriage. It s beyond me and I can not help but feel betrayed all over again. He is visible sorry, and remorseful. But he can not help but lie.
Im going to pursue the polygraph, don�t know if it will work, becuase of the language issues. But I hope that you can read between the lines and tell me if you see something else that does not make sense. Or if you can recomend me something.

Just wanted to give you an update.

We had a great vacation a few weeks ago. We went to the beach, lovely weather. Mom came with us and helped with the kiddos while we had some UA time.

When we came back we had a bit of a setback, but I feel it was due to the hectic Christmas time. We hardly had much UA time that week.

FWH is now working and the semester has started. I have not been able to find a new job but I'm still at it. We start classes next week. I have talked to several authorities here in college, but none of them seem supportive of my need to not have OW in my class, students have rights.... I'm really praying I find a job before OW registers for the class.

Our marriage is so much stronger now. Spending 15+ hours as UA time is being a great blessing.

Thanks to all who gave advice and kept us in prayers. We are still working very hard every day to give the best.

We bought the online program and are now working on it.

With DH working we have been finding some obstacles.

OW is not back in college, that is good for me, but I still feel I need to get another job. I have so many triggers here.

As far as the program goes, we just bought it a few days ago. We do not have it yet, but we received the emails about some questionaries.
Last night I asked DH to work on the questionaries, he needs help with translation, so it needs to happen when all the kids are in bed. We went into bed to get the little one settled and all of a sudden DH wanted some SF, which is fine, but I felt it was a top priority to work on the questionaries. I got mad, but kept it to myself, I usually have angry outbrusts. Trying to avoid AO I just went to sleep. So we ended not having any SF nor questionaries done.

How do I handle this, I felt hurt that he postponed the questionaries. To me it is my priority to get started on the program, but for him, it can wait. I do not want to LB him by demanding he does the questionarie right there right now. But I don't feel like SF unless I see him involved in recovery. Any suggestions?

It's good that you avoided a verbal AO, but the goal is to not get angry in the first place. In this case, your anger came from a DJ about your husband's priorities. Even if you didn't say the DJ to him, you thought it, and that made you angry. Even if you didn't verbalize you anger, I'll bet he knew you were angry when you rolled over and went to sleep.

The right way to handle this would have been to recognize that he wanted SF and you wanted to do the worksheets and then try to negotiate (POJA) a solution that was a win for the both of you. Instead, you both lost out and love busted each other.

BTW, I have a hard time with this too. It's so easy to see from the outside but very difficult to apply at first because our instincts guide us in the wrong direction. Especially when our $LB balances are low.

Glad to hear that OW is not back in college, but yes it sure sounds like you need to get another job. Are you making any headway with that?

As far as questionnaires vs SF, I felt similar when we first started doing MB.

Complaining was one of the toughest things for me to learn to do. I was disrespectful and tended to criticize rather than complain. I was surprised when I started wording things as "I felt disappointed when�." or "I would like it if�" and H started responding to me by either changing his behavior or suggesting that we POJA.

It was smart of you Alada to go to sleep rather than have an AO. Can you tell your H this morning that you felt hurt that he did not start the questionnaire? Can you thoughtfully request that he make time for them?

So getting angry in itself its a problem. I guess I need to learn a lot more.


This is so true, the last two weeks we have been prety low on UA time. Babe was sick so most of our UA time was being eaten up by taking care of babe. I feel particularly vulnerable this first weeks of classes, having all these triggers, being low on UA and having my babe sick. I get it, how do I get DH to understand this as well.

Apparently I'm not good at comunicating without LB. Would writting him a note be a better idea?

Thanks BlindSighted, I tend to get so worked up and with all these emotions I just rather sleep on it. I left before DH this morning, he spent a few hours cleaning the house. He usually does that when he is remorseful or mad at me for something. We talked on the phone, but I didn't want to address the issue, we'll talk later today when the kiddos are all in bed.

We made it through the first two online sessions of the seminar. We again had trouble of him putting of for the next day. I would think he is reluctanct partner. I see lots of reasons why he is not enthusiastic about doing it.
First and most important language. He is not 100% proficient in english, so it tires him out to read or listen in english. Second, and also important. I have found some triggers in the sessions.

I have a question about triggers and honesty. Lately I have been having a lot of triggers, this week was particularly bad. I felt prety down the last few days, the first few I tried to though them up, but they got the best of me, specially since we have very low UA for the last few weeks. By the third day it was prety evident. DH kept asking, and I didn�t know if I should�ve told him exactly what was happening, or I should�ve avoided talking about A again. There are specific words he use or stuff he does that triggers Dday and sometimes the A. I actually wrote down a list of triggers. I have not showed the list to DH. Do I need to? how aware he needs to be of these specific triggers?

Simply say "It bothers me when you do ____," or "It bothers me when you say _____." You do not need to give a reason for why it bothers you. The fact that you are bothered is enough reason for him to stop.

Yes, listen to Prisca here. It will not do you any good to try to explain WHY. Believe me, I have done this and it will only leave you feeling worse. Stick to the simple explanation as she suggests and do not elaborate.

Thanks for those suggestions I will work nicely pointing out when soemthing bothers me.

We watched the online seminars over the weekend, I think DH is getting better at understanding english!! We worked on the questionarie and he said he finds my requests for him to be home early a SD. I suppose he would like to come home as late as his works requires him. I didn't want to discuss this at the moment. I basically would want him to be home early so we can have more UA time. The last three weeks have been realy low. 5, 6 and finally 13 hours this past week. Just right now we talked on the phone and he is going to have a seminar at work. From 9am-7pm T,W and R. I felt crushed, he didn't ask how I felt about it, he just said he had to be at 8:30 tomorrow.

Please help me find the right words to express my feelings without making it a SD. His priority right now is work, because he feels the need to help me financially. And he is right I'm under a lot of stress money wise right now. But, I feel working on our M is more important.
Any suggestions?

Actually, requesting that he be home early is not a Selfish Demand - it's the other way around: staying out late when you are not enthusiastic about it is a demand / Independent Behavior on his part. If he's following the rules, he can't stay out later than you are enthusiastic.

Also, UA time is the first priority. Dr. Harley's recommendation is that the two of you sit down Sunday afternoon and schedule your week together. Put the 15 hours of UA time in first. Nothing else should be scheduled until those hours are guaranteed. And of course nothing should go on the schedule unless you are both enthusiastic about it.

I would go over the Independent Behavior chapter in Love Busters together, with the lesson material that goes with it.

Let him know that you are not enthusiastic about him unilaterally setting his schedule. Tell him you want to solve the financial problems together, as partners, in a way that you are both enthusiastic about. Make sure that you aren't demanding, disrespectful, or angry to him about the financial problems, or you will be sending a mixed message that he needs to prioritize finances over time together.