I am new to posting, but I have been following your story for a long time.

Good job making this important step to sign the D papers. Indie is right - your WH doesn't matter and neither does the OW. When you think about them and talk about them, it sets back your personal recovery. YOU are what matters the most! Keep that in mind as you continue on with your journey of healing.

Is there any way you can forward the work number to a general reception? Then let them handle any calls?

I have a program on my phone that blocks all numbers not in my phone book, and he is deleted from there along with any connection, friend or family, to him. They get a bounce back that says the line is disconnected and I don't see the text, if they call it picks up then hangs up and does not add the call to the call log so I don't even know if anyone called or texted.

That's pretty good in the circumstances.

It was hard not to make it about them. All this time it was all about them. It's about me now but because I am cleaning out the cobwebs and letting him go for good now, this will be the tail end of the reminiscing. Once I finish this letter and the decree comes in the mail, I am actually excited in anticipation of it now and the permanence of never having to wonder how this will turn out.

I wanted him back so bad I made a lot of mistakes and walked on eggshells for so long. I don't have to anymore. I can call it like I see it now and he's a scumbag lol. He deserves her and I deserve better. He has withdrawn every last love deposit he ever made. There is nothing left inside me for him. I don't think I love him anymore and I don't think I would ever even entertain the thought of getting back with him. He would just do this to me again and I already know he will never get rid of her and will always try to make me the whore on the side worth nothing because now I truly do understand I don't mean anything to him.

Hard to admit.

She has done all the psycho things that other women do, including telling lies about me and feeding him nonsense to make him hate me. He knows she's lied. He's caught her. Still... it was ME he couldn't wait to get rid of. He enjoys whatever the chaos is she brings to the table. I know the life they live, no matter how happy he tells me he is, will be full of drama and lies and probably cheating on each other, then making up and begging to stay together then more cheating.. then more lying.. NO THANK YOU. They can have that life. I am done with it.

And his mother and all the people who told me things that upset me so much before I decided this was the best thing to do.. were actually doing us both a favor when I think about it. I would not have been able to let go and all the love deposits wouldn't have died if they didn't keep poking at it. I don't know if they were trying to help me move on, help him get rid of me or what they were doing by telling me.. but I know that there was no fog on his side, every single thing he did he did with deliberation and thought.. he just didn't want me. He just didn't love me. If I had kept those love deposits I would still have clung to some hope.. now I know there is none and there never was. It's freeing actually.

I made it through the holidays with no contact. I have to admit the silence was deafening. But I made it!

I had decided to write a closure letter so I can put the past behind me and say good bye to him in an honorable way instead of with all this anger and animosity. This was between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had told him the letter was coming, he agreed to accept it. He even told me he would make arrangements to pick it up when it was done. In this conversation I also asked him what to do with things he'd left behind. He left things he may want and in hindsight, maybe me not just tossing them was me clinging to a belief we weren't really done -- we have our own fog though I am not entirely sure I believe in the wayward fog at all anymore -- he told me he wanted nothing to give it away or throw it out, that if he wanted something and I've had it this long he obviously didn't miss it.. so when the letter was ready, he ignored me. Does this surprise anyone? I just don't understand why he did that. Of course I let him know that it made no sense to agree to closure and then blow me off. To which the response was, as always, silence. I finally saw how I play a part in his game and how he gives me a moldy crumb and I eat it up like a starving child. I gave up. Totally 100% gave up. I gave the letter to my I/C so I'd feel validated that someone read how I feel and closed the door.

I began talking to someone I knew years ago. He tells me I am interesting and pretty and all the things I wish my husband would say but never will. He can't admit that to himself I know this now. Nothing has happened as I am still married technically and we have not seen each other but the ego boost was long overdue and much welcomed.

The index number on the divorce he filed expired on 12/26 and it looks like no progress has been made since I got the papers. What does an expired index mean? I tried to find an answer but all the sites contradict each other. One says it means he has to refile all over again and another said it just means it will go before the judge now. I am not sure which is true. I am also not up to fighting anymore. So I will do nothing either way. Perhaps refile myself once I am emotionally stable if that ever comes lol..

His mother is moving 2 hours away on the 24th of this month. She wants to have dinner, I agreed since I will never see her again after this. But why does she want to see me? She didn't even wish me a merry Christmas or a happy new year? I don't understand why she won't just fade away like her son did. I have considered canceling, we shall see.

So I guess I am catching you all up on the saga, it's so much calmer with no head games and no hang up calls or random door bells or letters.. but so anticlimactic lol.. it was so dramatic, so tense and now its just nothing and silence. I am happy in my own way for him even though I know this will all blow up one day, his decision did not change who the POSOW is, she just got her way and is being quiet.

I also had some well meaning people tell me that his refusing the closure means he doesn't want that. But come on now, know what I mean? Maybe it's that type of person telling me that kind of thing that kept me hoping this would change.

I am in a better place. I am feeling calm. Any suggestions? Any thoughts?

'Closure' is an interesting notion. It actually masks a desire for more contact. I'm happy your WH stayed away from your letter. That interaction would not have brought the healing you seek.

The 'closure' you need can only come from you. From engaging in your life and moving forward into new and exciting things! I hope that divorce goes through and soon. This thing has ground you up too long.

I joined a few dating websites over the weekend.

When I think back to the "pick me dance" I played and how all he did was shove it in my face how he doesn't love me and what a fool I made of myself believing he was in a fog, I want to kick myself. I do not think in my case there was any fog involved. I think he made a mistake when he married me and rushed into it and when the real deal came along he just bailed to be happy. He won't even discuss it with me. He filed behind my back, had me served with no warning then said it's time and he wanted to live with her and move on with his life and be happy.

I truly wanted to believe he was in fogland but I really don't think he was foggy at all. I think he was just a jerk. I also think not pushing the divorce through is another game of his where he forces ME to do it all for him so he can move on guilt free and not feel like the jerk he actually is. What he did to me was sleazy and how he ended this without even letting me get a word in edgewise and dismissed me like garbage is the thing a total sleazeball would do.

I've already made lots of contacts on the dating sites and it's been great for my self esteem.

My last memory of him is of him yelling his head off at me and telling me how it's time and she's what he wants and he has to do this now and then the sudden shock in his voice when I told him that from that moment on he was dead to me, I wanted nothing to do with him for the rest of my life. I didn't want that to be my last memory, regardless of how he felt about me and how my marriage was lie and a joke, I DID love him and I WAS truthful in that feeling and I DID want to be married. I just happened to believe someone who is incapable of treating human beings with respect and who never loved me in the first place. Lesson learned.

Stop, you are a married woman! What in the world are you doing on dating sites??

If you want someone who treats you with respect, do the divorce right.

All you'll find out there is

a) Men who don't want to get mixed up in a married couple's separation
or
b) Men who think a woman dating during such a painful time might make a nice vulnerable target.

I beg you, dont bleed vulnerability where there are sharks!!

It used to drive me crazy when married people messaged me online. I had done my divorce paperwork, and all my grieving. I could assure anyone I was done and it was final. Why would I accept less from others?

Honey, that's just bait.

Find your own self esteem on your own. Before you go NEAR a dating site!!

You are still discussing the pain of your marriage break up. Even if you were divorced, you are not healed.

Feel very worried

Is the divorce final? Why would you join dating sites when you're still married?