Excellent posts. I also have a MIL that is very negative, poor me attitude, can'tdo aanythingfor myself bbecause I'm so old (she's in her 50s),and it'seeveryone'sfault but my own tthat I'm so hurt in life attitude. A couple years ago it got so bad, Itold my wife that iI would no longer be in the same area as her and if she came over, I would leave.

My wife at first thought that I should deal with it. I told her this was unacceptableto be treated as I was by her and I would never allow my family to treat her in a disrespectfulmmanner. Since working marriage builders the point in protecting the spouseis iimportant. She explained to her mother what the boundaries would be and anytimeher mmother comes over and starts in her toxic attitude, she immediately sends her home.

Instead of printing up this thread to show her, I think you should introduce the program to her by telling her that you've come to realize how disrespectfully you have been treating her. Then show her Dr. Harley's material and show her the plan you're going to use to change for her.

Here's the thing about PoJA (Never do anything without your spouse's full agreement) it is wonderful at highlighting ours or our spouse's blind spots. Two heads really are better than one.

Dr Harley says a man's 180 perspective together with a woman's 180 perspective gives a full and complete viewpoint on any problems that are happening. They are like two sentries standing back to back and communicating when they see danger.

It's that the spouse who says 'no', the spouse who objects to a plan, who can SEE the problem on their part of the horizon. Like a sentry who sounds the alarm. Their spouse cannot see it because it is in their blind spot - but they should listen.

It's clear that your mother's rudeness fell into your blind spot. Indeed, your mother is the person who cultivated this blind spot. She raised you to 'forgive and forget' her rudeness so she did not have to change it. Your wife however realises that she should not take unending abuse. She sees the danger that you did not. While in your blind spot, it was no big deal.

Have you read Dr Harley's article on forgiving and forgetting? He says you should no more forgive unchanging behaviour than you should forgive an unpaid debt. I am sure that together, you and your wife can make a wise decision on how to proceed.