|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
So listen to this. Our MC said that we should go away together but we should do forgiveness of each others sins against one another and we should be moving towards reconciliation. So I say to her: What do you want to accomplish by being together on the trip?WW: Want to accomplish are we going to stay together or not?BH: How are you feeling right now about staying together or not right now?WW: I'm sure I'll let you know soon.BH: Before we go or when we go?WW: Don't Know. This whole thing smells. You want to go away together to see if you have feelings or not but you don't know when you will tell me. Who would go away with somebody and say, lets get a divorce???  quote from "Surviving an Affair:" You may think that after a spouse willfully chooses a lover (over the betrayed spouse), there would be no hope for marital reconciliation, but that's not true. While there is no hope for reconciliation when the affair is underway, as soon as the affair is ended, reconciliation is definitely possible. And almost all affairs end sooner than most people think they will.But for the betrayed spouse, waiting for the affair to end seems like an eternity. The wayward spouse can't seem to make up his or her mind -- one moment committing to the marriage and the next moment committing to the lover. To help a betrayed spouse survive that painful period of vacillation -- the time it takes for an affair to die a natural death -- I recommend two plans. If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence -- plan A followed by plan B -- represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse. ------- She is in the fog and vaccilating between you and the om. Now you are shooting yourself in the foot by arguing about yhe vacation. In plan A the goal is to make love bank deposits and vacation is ghe perfect time to do so! Build up the love bank! Your right, but I feel like I am walking into a trap. I will continue with plan A
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
Have you read lovebusters honestly it's the best anger management I ever had. I haven't read it yet but I will, next on my list to get and do. Have you listened to these? Anger Management 101
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
Have you read lovebusters honestly it's the best anger management I ever had. I haven't read it yet but I will, next on my list to get and do. Have you listened to these? Anger Management 101\ Listening now. Some great stuff here
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
Yes there is. Listen to all the clips that are on there. There are additional clips at the end.
Also, the chapter on Angry Outbursts in Love Busters is really good also.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
About what you were told about forgiveness. Read this. What is Just Compensation?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
Does she have the right to choose if she want's to Reconcile or not? It just doesn't seem right.
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,473 Likes: 5 |
Does she have the right to choose if she want's to Reconcile or not? It just doesn't seem right. Remember, you can't control her. You can only control yourself. Keep working on cleaning up your side of the street. Where does your DD3 stay?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
My daughter is staying with WW and Her family. I make sure to spend time with her as much as possible daily before doing anything else.
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Does she have the right to choose if she want's to Reconcile or not? It just doesn't seem right. I think the reason why you ask this questionits because you do not feel in control of the situation.the reason why you feel this way is because you are seeing a marriage counselor. you do not have to reconcile with your wife if you don't want to
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
I want to reconcile and I do not feel in control. I feel like everything is depending upon her to make the decision. The marriage counselor also want us to reconcile, but I think what is hindering me is WW is beating around the bush and is still either in a fog, or is another affair or she is really worried about the porn addiction and my anger that she is trying to decide if it is worth it...
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2011
Posts: 1,311 |
I want to reconcile and I do not feel in control. I feel like everything is depending upon her to make the decision. The marriage counselor also want us to reconcile, but I think what is hindering me is WW is beating around the bush and is still either in a fog, or is another affair or she is really worried about the porn addiction and my anger that she is trying to decide if it is worth it... The reason you don't feel in control is because you are not committing to the full court press of Plan A. I can't remember if you have Surviving an Affair. If you don't get it now! If you do, re-read it and get thee into a Plan A. If you do this you will have full control of the situation from your end. She will see your committment and in the long run that will help her to make a decision. You don't have control over her decision, but you have control over yours. Just remember, those who have chosen to fight for their marriage by executing a strong Plan A have had no regrets because they know they did everything in their power to try and recover their marriage. Plan A is maybe the hardest thing you will ever undertake. It's fraught with pain and frustration, but the sacrifice is worth it. Plus, you have us to lean on. Do you need more information about Plan A?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
I could use some help in regards of Plan A. This is what I am doing: - Being more affectionate
- writing notes
- trying to lift her up when she says she is fat and all
- complimenting her on ability to be a mother and a hard worker
- i am giving her access to my work phone and computers
- I tell her when I talk to a specific woman at work because she feel Jealous about her
- spending time with my daughter
- calling her just to check on her
- spend late nights talking to her while she is at work via text.
- dropping off notes on the van for when she leaves work
Of course avoiding judgment's and angry outbursts but is there something else I should be doing? Any recommendations?
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
I am going to go back and read the story of JAH. I need some encouragement.
If I decide to speak to my wife and I go to her and say the affairs are my fault because of the porn addiction, what would that do? I am debating if I should say that or not and see how she reacts, because I feel like that will indicate where she stands on everything or is that a dumb idea?
Last edited by ChristianSamuari; 12/05/13 10:59 AM.
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686 |
Taking the blame for her affairs will accomplish absolutely nothing.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,704 |
You are not the cause of her affairs anymore than my boss would not be the cause of me robbing a bank because I'm broke and he won't pay me more money. You contributed to your wife's unhappiness but she chose to sleep with someone else.
WWhen I left my first wife, I was miserable. I didn't cheat; I left the marriage. And, actually, she had an affair which is what was the final straw.
Husband (me) 39
Wife 36
Daughter 21
Daughter 19
Son 14
Daughter 10
Son 8 (autistic)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
You are not the cause of her affairs anymore than my boss would not be the cause of me robbing a bank because I'm broke and he won't pay me more money. You contributed to your wife's unhappiness but she chose to sleep with someone else.
WWhen I left my first wife, I was miserable. I didn't cheat; I left the marriage. And, actually, she had an affair which is what was the final straw. That's what I thought, and the way she is acting, this no remorse thing is killing me and making me want to give up.
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Does she have the right to choose if she want's to Reconcile or not? It just doesn't seem right. Yes, CS. We all have that right. When it really comes down to it, a marriage is a system where two people willingly invite each other to be together.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
You are not the cause of her affairs anymore than my boss would not be the cause of me robbing a bank because I'm broke and he won't pay me more money. You contributed to your wife's unhappiness but she chose to sleep with someone else.
WWhen I left my first wife, I was miserable. I didn't cheat; I left the marriage. And, actually, she had an affair which is what was the final straw. That's what I thought, and the way she is acting, this no remorse thing is killing me and making me want to give up. CS, Dr. Harley says not to expect any remorse from a wayward wife. Typically there is not any even in recovery, at least not at first. So definitely don't expect any during this stage! Have you seen your doctor about taking antidepressants?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 373 |
She told me the only reason she is having sex with me now and kissing me is to see if she can find feelings for me.... what am I supposed to make of that.
ME\30
WW\28
DD\3
For jealousy arouses a husband's fury, and he will show no mercy
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3 |
This has to be ridiculous. My wife feels like I am going to kill her or may kill her if she moves back in. I am trying to re-assure her that I wouldn't.
I have been known to give dirty looks but I have not ever implied except on DDay and I apologized for that. Now she is acting like the victim because of that comment.
Is this a gaslight technique or is this a valid feeling she should have? You were in a rage on DDay and told her: "What would you do if I killed you..." Sorry, this isn't gaslighting. You made a threat, and she has every right to her feeling of fear. To downplay her feelings as "ridiculous" or "invalid" or "gaslighting" or an "excuse" is horribly disrespectful and belittling. Dr. Harley has said that an Angry BH/WW situation is a very dangerous one. He has seen angry BH's kill or maim their WW plenty of times. She is perfectly responsible to believe you may actually follow through on your threat.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
587
guests, and
72
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,618
Posts2,323,473
Members71,916
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
