I am very confused about what stage you are in, here. If your wife is still in contact with her affair partner, she will not find feelings for you like this. However, if she has ended the affair, this is probably a good start.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Has her affair been completely exposed?

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders radio show?

Alot of BS want the same thing. Like Markos said, most WW won't give it.

My need for FWW to feel remorse really just got me wrapped around the axle of resentment. Even when she showed it, I felt it wasn't enough, so the resentment grew. It's like a fire that creates it's own oxygen, it's a [censored] to put out. Resentment is a bad deal all around but, if you're in Plan A, it makes an already hard job nearly impossible. Not that I'm the one to give this advice, but I'd forget about her remorse.

She's a serial cheTer. The om is a relative with 2 yr affair and she has had sexual hookup with other men also.
She's accostomed to having sex with 2 lovers separately

Your porn use and your angry outbursts have given her two good reasons to separate from you. Dr. Harley would recommend she separate from you if those issues aren't resolved and don't stay resolved. But even if she didn't have those reasons, commitment doesn't save marriages, and reminding her of her commitment to you will not save your marriage. It will only annoy her.

When Dr. Harley first tried to save marriages, he worked by trying to get people to restore their commitment to each other. It doesn't work. The marriages were lost that way.

Listen to Dr. Harley describe his early failures:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=02222

It doesn't matter whether she has a right to separate from you or not. If you continue to focus on that issue you will likely lose your marriage.

But You Promised! (article by Dr. Harley's son, Steve Harley)

How Dr. Harley Learned to Save Marriages (for more about this read his books like Defending Traditional Marriage, Effective Marriage Counseling, or Fall in Love, Stay in Love)

This is one of the reasons I am doing the anger management. What can I do to make her feel safe though and restore that security?

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? Yes

Has her affair been completely exposed? Yes

Are you listening to the Marriage Builders radio show? Yes

She has ended the affair, not on her terms but on the POSOMW terms. So this could possibly be a good thing.

Was a no contact letter done? Using Marriage Builders template?

Prisca, I found your angry husband articles in your signature and reading some interesting things, and I am learning how to make some changes.

I know I would never hurt her and I love her. And I learning that we both have been abusive to each other.

I can't remember if someone answer this but should I still say I love you or do those words have no meaning on WW and I threaten on D-day?

I would continue to say it. However if she ask you to stop then you should stop

Dr Harley addressed this in radio program: when someone says I love you what does that mean? In the context of marriage it should mean I love you so I will show care for you.

if you are showing care for her and meeting her emotional needs and plan a then it is a correct statement

I ask her if she is ok with me saying that and she said you can say whatever you want?

Then tell her you love her!

Ok, I will. She texted me and said she want's to go away with me still. She also has been sending me pictures of her...non sexual.

Then I would compliment her on the pictures:

Ie You look great in that outfit.
I like your hair.
It helps show your pretty eyes

Etc

So when and where are you going? Excellent opportunity make LB deposits.

That right there is the million dollar question. I am trying to use the POJA.. I believe that's it to get an idea, either Williamsburg VA where we had one of our anniversaries or Ocean City...

Here is something that happen today:

1. I was having some issues with my chest, anxiety attack or pneumonia.
She seemed to be concern about my health.

2. I sent her a picture and she complimented me on my muscles.
3. I was sitting around with her family and tomorrow I am going with my father-n-law and some other men from our church to a special prayer. She say's she needs the van because she has to go pickup people from work to take them to the Xmas party. This of course is a trigger from me because it just came out of the blue and I don't trust her of course.

When WS's want to reconcile, do they out right say it and say what they are going to do or what they are willing to do or do you have to lay down those ground rules?