Here is a brief timeline: WARNING SOME GRAPHIC DETAILS and TRIGGERS

We met in 1993, at the age of 17 years old.

I was too young to realize that my husband was a MEM (mother enmeshed man). Basically, this means, he suffered from covert/emotional incest as a result of his mother using him as a surrogate spouse due to the lack of emotional intimacy in her own marriage (her husband also travelled more than 50% of the year).

DH is also an only child, which doesn't help.

MIL shot down our first engagement when we were 19. He just tucked his tail between his legs, I dumped him, but his father came by and convinced me to give it another go, stating that MIL would come around one day.

We wound up really getting married in July 1998, despite my MIL telling me she didn't think her son should be marrying me 2 days before the wedding.

**TRIGGER**The amount of abusive comments she has made towards me (including aborting children after we were married as we were too young to have children at 23 years of age) are astronomical.

Anyhow, I come from a broken home, and have been on my own since 15. I never did finish high school (I am finally following my dreams and attending University and have a 4.0); I know I did not look "good on paper" to her and she hated that he married me.

Basically in a nutshell, he never ever stood up for me when it came to his mother. Her feelings, wants, needs always came first above mine. She basically thought she was entitled to co-parent our children. She gave him money as a down payment for the house, which we should have never accepted as it set the precedent that she believed she could say and do anything in our lives.

Things got worse after FIL passed away about 15 years ago. She would demand we spend all holidays, let her plan our children's birthdays, buy them their costumes etc. I have never spent a holiday alone with my kids without her controlling every detail (she did this with my wedding as well)

Needless to say, watching your husband not speak up to his mother to protect his wife and marriage puts an extreme downer on a wife's sex drive.

7 years ago I began a job as a personal trainer at a local fitness center. My self-confidence began to soar. I told him I was becoming more and more miserable in our marriage. I told him that other men were paying me attention. His lack of emotional availability, or standing up to his mother had taken so much of a toll on the marriage. I began to disconnect emotionally. This led to me flirting (poor boundaries) with some of the men at work. It was all innocent (or so I thought, now I know better), until one night when I went to a bar with a girlfriend and one man in particular was there. I wound up at his place after drinking too much and had a ONS.

I felt horrified with myself the next day, I promptly shut down my facebook account a quit my job within a week, as I knew that I had to pull a 180 in my marriage, as despite all of the troubles we had, I thought he was always loyal too me, and that maybe if I tried harder to stand up for my needs with regards to both him and his mother, maybe things could get better?

I kept that ONS a secret for 6 years.

That is until June 16th, 2012. On that day, my son found some pictures of a woman in lingerie on a tablet my husband used while away on business on May 2012.

The photo has a watermark, and when I googled the origin of the watermark, I realizes that it was actually an escort picture.

I was FLOORED. Oddly enough, in 2008, I did see some bizarre cash withdrawals the previous year and wanted to do a polygraph as he couldn't adequately tell me where the cash went. I didn't go through with it.

So, about the escort picture, despite him telling me he was just surfing for porn, and never was with a prostitute, I sent him on Polygraph #1. HE FAILED MISERABLY.

He then admitted to going to a prostitute once, having oral sex and v-sex during the same time i had emotionally disconnected 6 years before. I didn't believe him as these escort pictures were from May 2012, so off to polygraph #2, which he passed. he had just come across them while surfing porn during his business trip. I sent him to another polygraph to confirm a few more details, which he passed as well. It was also found out that he had went to a massage parlor once, but nothing happened and he left his boxing shorts on.

I asked why he went to the MP back in 2001 (the first year of our marriage) and he stated because he wanted to know what I did at my job.

Here's where the story gets worse. Yes, while he was dating me, I worked in a MP for about 2 years so I could live in a safe apartment and get off of the streets. Like I said, I had moved out at 16, and had moved to over 15 different rooming homes etc before I started working there. It was a licensed establishment, but, the men did "take care" of themselves. My therapist now says I was just cycling the sexual child abuse I had endured as a child.

He did know the entire time I was working there....he still chose to date me and marry me despite this knowledge.

So, we are both BS and WS.

The reactions both of us are having from this knowledge couldn't be more different though. I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of knowing what he did (it brings back memories of my own working at the MP and being objectified...and then facing the reality that my husband is the same as those men).
He does not seem upset, angry or sad about my ONS; however, his has utterly devastated me to the core. I have never felt such pain in my entire life-and I have had a life that no one would ever wish for!
I ALSO found out that he has been battling a dependency on pornography, which he has been lying about our entire relationship. I did see red flags...but chalked it up to his young age...or later on when he was older that all men look at it.

The sheer amounts I found on his phone was astounding though.
He denies having any sex addiction, I think he does.

We have been in R for 6 months now. I feel like he is still emotionally unavailable, minimizes his issues, blames the affair on the marriage (although I tell him it is because we both had poor boundaries, and that you should not blame an affair on the state of the marriage), he barely reads any of the books we have bought, he conflict avoids etc He IS attending IC weekly, and just recently switched to a CSAT (certified sex addiction therapist). He also laid down some ultimatums to his mother about apologizing to me, which she would not. So she cut us off, saying "don't worry, my sister Maureen will take care of me from now on" and that she still wanted to have phone calls with the kids. I allowed this to happen for a few months, but my eldest son was getting stressed by it knowing that he was "in the middle" so to speak, so I emailed her and severed all contact with her and our family completely and let her know exactly why.

His conflict avoidance, and unwillingness to tell me how rejected and sad he felt while I worked at the gym and disconnected from him, is why he says he went to the escort. He wanted to go where he wouldn't be rejected. Mind you, we were still having sex a few times a month at this point.

I just don't even know how to deal with this whole situation. The escort this is so dark and disgusting, I don't know how to process it, nevermind the porn issues and massage parlor.

I am at a loss as to what to do.

Is the amount of damage we both have done too much to save this marriage?

Hi Mia, you are in the right place. This is far, far from hopeless. In fact, I would call it garden variety.

The first step is to affair proof your marriage and create a romantic relationship. We can take you through those steps.

Your husband had affairs because the environment allowed him to do that. Eliminating the overnight travel AND the pornography would be the first steps. In addition, he would need to agree to get ALL of his sexual needs met by you. Meaning, no porn and no self stimulation. You stopped going to the gym, which was a wise first step.

You handled the mother issue just fine. You and your H should not have anything to do with her until she apologizes and agrees to respect your marriage.

Hi Melody, thanks for responding

He has not used porn nor has he "M'd" since D-day in June of this year.

He is also aware that due to the nature of his infidelity (and the larger amount of risk of STD, arrest etc), that he will be doing yearly polygraphs for accountability (for the porn as well).

Oddly enough, when he had his ONS, it wasn't while he was on business, but on a lunch hour while he was at work...it occurred within a month of me having my ONS.

I told him that under no circustances is he to EVER look at porn again, or I am gone. I also told him that I will never ever talk with men about personal issues, have male friends, go on facebook etc. We both have consequences.

I guess my biggest fear is that if a "normal" woman were to come on to him, he would partake. He works in an industry were there are no women working there. So he has honeslty never had the opportunity....what if one day he does, and actually doesn't have to pay for it. It is so sad to think this way

I KNOW I will never, ever cheat on him again. During my ONS, I would almost say I was dissociated from my body while it was going on. I did not enjoy it when within a few seconds the reality of what I was doing set in, was a bundle of nerves, and actually told him "to finish already". It was a 5 minute mistake....but then again, the personal conversations leading up to it means it was a much longer mistake when I really think about it.

It bothers me that he wanted to cheat on me so badly that he paid for it

I have never been put first in this marriage; I was never a priority. I would love to know what that feels like. I wonder if he can ever open up to me and become emotionally intimate?

I do make it difficult at present though...I rage at him and yell about the escort. I am almost scared that if I stop bringing it up, he will think it is ok....I even keep bringing up my own ONS, to talk about how wrong it was...

Welcome to MB.

If all your questions have been answered about his and your affairs then you should never bring it up again.

Have you both been tested for STD/I?

All conditions that allowed the affairs must be changed. When will he stop traveling?

Please listen to these clipss.
Traveling Jobs

The reason that marriages with traveling jobs suffer so much infidelity is because a) spouses have the opportunity to cheat and b) spending nights apart creates an independence that is an obstacle to intimacy. So even if he didn't cheat while away on business, it is bad for marriage and should be eliminated. Traveling jobs are an invitation to infidelity and are ruinous to stable, good marriages.


Don't ever bring it up again. Bringing the tragedy of the past into the present makes your marriage an unhappy place. Bringing it up won't prevent a repeat but changing his life so he CAN'T have an affair WILL. That means that he needs to create a completely transparent lifestyle where you are together every night. You each have to make it impossible for the other to cheat.

Glad to hear he has stopped using porn.


Yes, he can. The first step is spend every night together and create a romantic, integrated marriage by using the concepts of this program. Most importantly, the policy of undivided attention, spending 20-25 hours per week meeting each others needs. Dr Harley covers that here: The Policy of Undivided Attention