Trying to keep with my commitment to post updates periodically.

Last week when the new Budweiser commercial was released, I was so excited to show hubby. We both love animals.

H started crying by the end of it. I was very startled, and then I realized that the song says how you only know you love her when you let her go. I felt like I had a ton of bricks on my chest, and I thought that he was crying because he "only knew he loved OW when he let her go". I cannot ask that though, right? So I didn't. I told him that I had been excited to show him the commercial and that I am sorry for upsetting him with it.

He said oh no, he loved it, and those are happy tears. This didn't make much sense to me, and I was upset for two days because I didn't know what to say or do.

Finally on Saturday morning, I took him coffee in bed and said that I needed his help with something. I told him that I didn't know if it was appropriate to bring up because it involved a trigger. He said that he wanted to hear what was bothering me.

So I told him about my worry, and it initiated a long discussion. He told me that it was nothing to do with OW at all, and more to do with his feelings coming to the surface lately. He says that he would have cried even if there were no music, and that he was crying because it was a beautifully done snippet about the horses working together to support the puppy so that the pup could be all that he could be. H said that he did not feel that kind of support from me once we had the children, and that he always felt incredibly lonely. He said that everything that he had tried to do to support us financially was never good enough.

I told him thank you for sharing that with me, and asked if he feels supported today. He said that he does feel my support now.

H DOES have a point about his feelings. He was making a lot of money and it truly was never enough because our youngest had lupus and the medical bills were astounding. But through my eyes, I thought that we were ALL working together to do the best that we could in a bad situation.

His words did hurt my feelings, but I can own my contribution to the problem (LB'er abounded from both of us, and so really we weren't working together). MB teaches us that if those were his feelings at the time, then they were RIGHT even though I also felt like I was carrying a big load... Running the household, working, taking daughter to doctors, help with schoolwork, OH MAN I could step off the edge of that anger slope if I keep thinking about it. But it's the PAST, right? Should I think about why it is that I have empathy for him, and he sees this situation all through his perspective without thinking the best or having empathy for me?

I'm trying to guess what you all will say�that this is the PAST, and that is why Dr. Harley says not to bring up the past. And for us both to be constantly RH so that we never have to bear any frustrating feelings alone again. I CAN bring that up to H, right? Like just say "honey, I'm thinking about what you told me about feeling so alone in our past, and I want to assure you that I care for you and never want you to feel unhappy like that again. Can we promise to always be asap radically honest in the future whenever we feel anything that bothers us?". Should I just leave it at that?

This recovery stuff is DIFFICULT!

then instead of telling you exactly what the trigger was, he should tell you that he was thinking about something sad in the past that isn't the case anymore, and leave it at that. He, like you, needs to think in terms of what is going on NOW.

Radical honesty doesn't mean you and he ought to be spilling out the crappy reminders of the crappy past that neither of you can do anything about now. It didn't do you a bit of good to hear that, because it's dwelling on mistakes of the past and you can't go back and fix it.

I love reading your updates BS. We are on R too and I reading about your experiences resonate so much with me.

He cautioned us that our M has had a big injury and is still in "intensive care" haha, and that we need to keep it in that "cast" for a long while.

I feel guilty because he really really loved those chains. His Mom gave him one and our adult daughter the other, a zillion years ago. He didn't complain, and instead he reminded me about what pastor said that we have to wear a cast for a while. That was sweet.

I know that someday I can bring it up again and offer to go out with him to buy a new chain, but not now.

Is so great that you have such support right now. When we talked to our pastor, he just said I needed to foget and forgive. I know he ment well, but is not prepared to handle this kind of situations.

The cast analogy is so great. I'm a very visual person, the image I'm seing right now is sooooo funny!! thanks for the laugh!

I can tell you how I feel about hubby dropping out of college. He is 34, he worked so hard to get his GED, once he got it and we came to Mexico he was ready for college. But the mexican university did not accept the GED, so he had to wait one more year and take one more exam. He finally made it to college.

Needless to say I feel so sad he had to drop college. He didn't beep either when I asked him to drop college cold turkey. I know it makes him increadibely sad, but nevertheless is what is best for our M.

Chains are just chains, your hubby can definetely wait to get new ones later. He can not wait to get a better M.

You both have a hard climb ahead, and only God knows if you both have the strength to endure it, but I pray that you will.

Another one that he gave us is growing a garden together:

It's all PoJA. First you have to agree on how to clear the land (the "land" needs cleared after an A). Then you have conflicts on where to put the new garden, whether to use a tiller or a hoe, to have a raised bed or not, how you'll plan irrigation, whether to use fertilizer or go natural, what plants to choose and where to put them. So many decisions to make before you even start the real work!

THEN you finally work together to get that garden in and wait for the rain to nourish it and allow the roots to take a sturdy hold. THEN comes the weeding and hoeing as the sun beats down on you.

Finally a tomato appears, and the two of you watch and watch as it grows and begins to turn red. You go out together one morning to finally pick that fruit, and what do you find? A deer has trampled it.

Does that mean that the whole garden is ruined? No, but it means that you still have to wait a bit longer as you wait for the next fruit to ripen in order to finally enjoy it. It's disheartening to take two steps back and one forward, but as long as you continue to tend that garden, you'll eventually have so much fruit to enjoy that all of your hard work and trials will be but a memory.

Good morning all, just wanted to give an update. We are still meeting with Pastor every week and have switched gears a bit now to focus on starting to build the details of our future together so that our new M may be built on a rock solid foundation.

I'm not exactly feeling like going there yet, but I'm not feeling against it either. I have been operating from a head perspective rather than a heart perspective for so many months now, I am willing to try moving forward to see how it may pan out.

My old H isn't back folks. The old H was NEVER, not once, not EVER in 33 years this dedicated and attentive and affectionate. Nor was he ever in his life more focused on doing the right things, praying for answers, trying to lead our family including our adult daughters.

And he's not finished yet! Because he can't be�.I'm still not passionately back in love with him! But I am taking notice. And for that matter, I am becoming a whole different person, and I'm not finished yet either.

Unfortunately for both of us, H's attentiveness is still not getting all of the way through to me. Pastor says that it will, in fact this week Pastor went so far as to tell us that he predicts that within another 3-4 weeks, we will BOTH be feeling some passion again. That was so hopeful for us!

My old H isn't back folks. The old H was NEVER, not once, not EVER in 33 years this dedicated and attentive and affectionate. Nor was he ever in his life more focused on doing the right things, praying for answers, trying to lead our family including our adult daughters.

Unfortunately for both of us, H's attentiveness is still not getting all of the way through to me.

How are your daughters viewing their "new" father and his efforts to rebuild your marriage and family? It will take them a while to accept the new reality as well.

You have done a marvelous job of logically following each step. I'm so impressed!

Don't worry LB$ deposits are not conscious, so even if you feel they are not getting through you they are. You are recognizing them already! Little by little you will get to the passion treshhold!

Blindsighted, I'm happy for you, and a bit envious lol.

Whatever you are doing is working. Good job