I recently found out my wife of 9 years has had a friendship with a coworker for about 5 months. Their friendship turned more serious 2 months ago. They started talking on the phone daily and taking 1 hour lunches together every weekend. I discovered this exactly 1 month ago. But the process has been hell. I've had to follow her, track her phone, track down where he works ( he has 2 jobs) find out where he lives, track his phone and so on. Through out the whole time she was telling me she didnt want to be with me, she wants to be with him but he is married. She said he treats her like a queen, writes her notes, tells her shes pretty every day and so on. Things that i have not done in a very long time. We have definitely lost our emotional connection within the past few years. And we both did nothing to rekindle. After this long month of December, she finally decides to listen to me and quit her job. Knowing that she will not physically see the other guy again. She has told me she doesnt want to be with me, she does not love me anymore, she loves me but is not inlove with me, she wishes she can have a relationship with him but she knows she cant, she does not mind being the other woman in his life, and other hurtfull things. Within the past 2 weeks we started having sex. The best most intense sex we have ever had in 9 years. Keep in mind she says she has always been 100% satisfied with our sex life. But now she feels we have a much better connection. OFcourse i am making love to her every single night, just to feel that connection again. And she is VERY pleased at the moment. So, she wants to make it work because she sees me trying, changing who i was, and we have 2 kids. 4yr old boy, and a 11yr old girl that i raised since 1yr old from her previous relationship. SHe says i am exactly what she wants now. But its going to take time to forget about the other man. Even though she says she will not ever forget him. Can she ever forget? Will i have to live in fear always that when we have a misunderstanding shes going to run to him? In the past she has felt very mistreated, i was verbally abusive, angry, very mean to her, showed no remorse for hurting her feelings. I understand this is karma. I also understand you dont know what you have until you lose it. When i knew i lost her i realized i loved her more than anything in this world and i dont want to lose her. I feel like we are disconnected during the day, but during sex and after sex she is just all over me. She is so satisfied that i feel her love me again. Then we can talk for hours about anything. But during the day nothing. This is all too fresh. Yesterday was literally her last day at work. She still told me today, she loves me but not as much as she used to, she wants to make it work, she chose me, and i am what she wants. But 2 weeks ago she said the only reason she is choosing me is because she knows the other man will not leave his wife. And that shattered me. I am so scared of our future i dont know what to do.
Does anyone know will she ever forget about him?
Can she ever really love me again?
I also feel like she is only with me because she had no choice.
How long would it take before i see some progress?
I have been doing everything to meet her emotional needs, and she loves it. But at one time she did say she loves it but she doesnt want it from me, she wants it from him. So i dont know if shes accepting it because she loves it or does she still want it from him?

I know i may be over thinking things.

Any help will be appreciated.

Thanks!

Welcome to MB, jjs.

Have you told this man's wife about the affair?

jjs424,

Gather all your evidence, go to the OMW, "other mans wife", and tell OMW everything do this before OM gets to spin a story about you. Then expose OM to everyone in his life that matters his parents, his church, his relative, especially his work. Do not let the OM convince his BW that this was not a physical affair or minimize the number of times!

Do not tell anyone, especially your WW, or threaten, do this suddenly and completely, OM will then renounce your WW and his spell on your WW will be broken.

God Bless
Gamma

Hi jjs, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yes, there is great hope for your marriage, but the most important first step is to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so this is a very important step in ruining the fantasy of the affair. Has the affair been exposed to all interested parties?

JJS,
As the others before me have suggested, expose the affair. Until you do there is no guarantee that it will be killed dead. If it isn't, it can happen again. Affairs often repeat themselves over and over. Your wife will be angry, but you will have given the affair a death blow, which is priority number one right now.

Secondly, you wife must agree to end contact with her affair partner for life. She will need to send him a no contact letter.

Thirdly, once your wife has been away from her affair partner for awhile, his influence over her will wane, and the love deposits you make in her love bank will start building up, and she will be in love with you again.

In the following link Dr. Harley explains the process:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html

Read all the under this link:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2695379#Post2695379

Finally, here are some sample no contact letters, which you must see delivered.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558472

No. The only ones that know about this affair is a few of our friends and family. I have not told the OW because my wife said that if they break up there is no chance for us. They are having trouble in their relationship as well and they will end thier marriage. Meaning my wife WILL be with him. Thats why i havnt done so. She has even told me to do so just so she can have a better chance.

Let me update you on what has happened a few hours ago,

It has only been 1 day without contact. I caught her downloading a free text program to her computer so she can text him. She didnt get to. We then spoke for a few hours about it. She told me its too hard for her. She has anxiety, depressed. she feels the need to contact. just to say she misses him. As much as this broke my heart, i kept a straight face and told her "Good. You need to tell me this so i can help you. I love you no matter what." I told her she is going through withdraw. And i explained. She feels that its not withdraw, its what she wants. Shes almost convincing me to give up. But when i ask if i should give up she says she doesnt know. She finally told me that she had been mentally preparing herself for 7 months to leave me. Because i told her that one day i would leave her. She didnt want to be left without nothing, so she got a second job just to make sure she can make ends meet when i leave. She didnt expect to meet anyone in the process. I now know that i have created this situation entirely. And i dont want to give up. But shes so close to convincing me. I finally convinced her to try harder. To giver her 100% for 1 month.No contact for 1 month. And in 1 month she will not be madly in love with me again, but she can see things a bit more clear. She can see what i have done for us and how hard i tried. And maybe when the month is up she might want to give it another month. I told her that when ever she feels the urge to contact him to let me know. Not to worry about my feelings because that is what i am here for. She agreed. So i think im going to give this 1 month a try before i contact the OW. I know the other man will not contact my wife. He cant. I have completely blocked him from getting in, without me know. I have access to both his phone history. And i know his entire schedule all day everyday. And he knows this. I asked her to be open about everything. She agreed. Email passwords, phone unlocked (even tho i get every call and text) and keylogger on all computers she has access to. She agreed. Just to help her get through the month.

We just got home and are about to shower and watch a movie.
And ofcourse make love. Again.

She just told me that she is SOOO physically attracted to me, like shes never been. I love this attention. I really dont want to lose her. But i know i cause alot of damage.

Wish me luck,

Any help would be great.

She has already said goodbye yesterday. In person!! there was nothing i could have done about that because it was her last day at work. it was a very bad day for me. She told me she said she will miss him, hugged him, kissed him and even cried. I know that put a big hole in this progress. But i guess im back in square 1 because of it.

jjs424,

I hope you used condoms as your WW may be infected from OM, please get tested.

God Bless
Gamma

jjs424,

OM will dump your WW when he finds out that his BW knows, this is part of the "wayward script" and it rarely changes. This is even more true if OM has children.

Also was OM your W's boss if so you have grounds for a lawsuit.

God Bless
Gamma

That is where you should begin. It will destroy the affair for good when your wife finds out the OM would not leave his wife for a cheap piece of side action. The OMW has to be informed about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and the OM. They are much more likely to save their marriage if the OMW knows about the affair.

The affair is much more likely to resume if the OMW doesn't know. When she knows she will try and make sure that your wife stays away.

I would not forewarn your wife, either pick up the phone and call the OM's wife or drive over and tell her.

It will help her stay away with the OM's wife knowing the truth.

Additionally, I would expose the affair to the workplace and to any of your children over age 4. Everyone should know. The more people who know, the more people to hold your wife accountable and give your marriage support.

You won't catch her the next time. She will keep trying until she gets through. This is why you need to inform the OMW. And how will the OMW protect herself if you don't warn her?

jjs,
Don't buy the lie. If you don't expose the affair, you're wife will continue in it. She is not leaving him if she is trying to text him. You have to expose the affair. It would be unjust to not let the OM's wife know about it.

Follow the steps that Dr. Harley lays out in the links I gave you, and be sure to buy a copy of Surviving an Affair. In it is a more detailed explanation of the plan that will help you recover your marriage. Dr. Harley has saved thousands of marriages. His methods work. Please give them a chance. Go into Plan A, not Plan JJS.

Exposure is your powerful weapon against the affair and the most important first step in recovery. Everyone should know about the affair.

Here is what Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders has said about exposure:



here

In your situation, your wife is free to contact the OM at work because he has not been exposed there or to his wife. If you expose the affair in both places, that will cut off that avenue and very likely save your marriage.

She has no intention of stopping the affair. If she were truly repentant she would WANT her other victim, the OM's wife, to know the truth. The OM and his wife have a better chance of saving their marriage if you tell the OMW the truth.

And all she will need is to get through ONCE in order for the addictive power of OM and the affair to take control of her once again. You will lose her if her affair is kept secret.

I don't think you should believe that she really will stick to an agreement not to contact him for a month. She has told you how desperate she is about him.

You already have a keylogger on the computers, which is good, but you should look out for an affair phone - a pay-as-you-go phone that she is hiding somewhere. She possibly hid it at work, and now that she has left the job she will be forced to keep it in her car or somewhere in the house.

Also, plant a voice activated recorder in a room where she might hide to make calls, or in her car. Don't, for heavens sake, even hint at these measures.

Just to warn you; when I finally exposed to the other woman's husband in my situation, he demanded an end to the affair and also declared his love for her, just as you are doing.

At first, while promising "no contact", she gave him frequent sex and told him endlessly that he was her hero and her one true love. Apparently they'd never had sex like it, not even when they were first married. However, while promising him the earth she simply continued to contact my H at work (from her workplace), telling him he had an obligation to run away with her as he had ruined her marriage. (He never did. A low proportion of married men will leave a marriage for a ho. That is true for OM in your situation, although his wife might kick him out.) She continued to contact him every few months for five years, scoping out our marriage and checking whether my H felt that his children had grown up enough for him to be able to leave them. I finally tracked this contact when he was about to retire, and for the first time ever, he used our home PC to send her an email, since he would soon be unable to do so from work. I busted them in the process of planning to meet for the first time in five years, he for sex (he denied this to me, but why else?) and she to see if he still loved her and was ready to leave me for her. She made clear that this was what she was looking for in an email that her H discovered and sent to me.

The point I'm making is that she - a married woman with kids in their teens and twenties- was just as desperate for my H as your wife is for her married man, and that she hung on for over 8 years (3 years PA, 5 years long - distance EA) waiting for my H to leave his family and go with her, while at times fiercely claiming her hatred of my H for hurting her, her love for her H and using sex to convince him she was done with my H. She never was done.

Women can give the most exciting sex just to get their way. "Other women" do it to married men all the time to keep them interested. OW in my situation did this with my H. Your wife did it with her married man. Now she is doing it to you, to get what she wants - which is you off your guard.

I'm sorry but there is no way she can be in love with him and willing to leave you this instant if he asks her to, and simultaneously find you sexually irresistible. Please use your big head when analysing her behaviour.

jjs424,

But 2 weeks ago she said the only reason she is choosing me is because she knows the other man will not leave his wife

This establishes that the OM loves his W and children more than he does your WW who is only a side interest.

Once the OMs family and the OMWs family know about your WW role in damaging OMs marriage they will disown OM, and your WW will not be accepted into OMs family.

If OM and WW become a couple they will have neither support or friends or family. OM knows this and will beg his BW on his hands and knees to stay. He will renounce your WW possibly breaking his hold on her, and OM does not want to lose half his wealth or move from his house to a small apartment!

God Bless
Gamma

There has been no sexual contact between them. I was always around. She never go the chance to get away with him. He works from 6am-4pm. Monday-friday. Then he has to be home by 5pm so his wife can start her job by 6-11. From 6-11 he takes care of their 2yr child. The only chance they got to see each other was at work ONLY Saturdays and sunday. Because his second job he only worked on weekends. He has been with his wife for 9 years also. He has been ok with no contact. It her who is too attached.

Have you ever watched the movie Random Hearts starring Harrison Ford?
Its about a married cop who finds out his wife had a secret second life.
I guarantee you, they had opportunity for sex.

You were at work with them? You went on those lunches with them? How did they manage to have a romantic affair if you were there? I am confused.