Affairs are based in fantasy. Yes, your wife is in love with this guy, and he has told her whatever it takes to get her to that point. But none of it is reality. The surest way to end an affair is to shine the light of day on it. Do what others have been saying to you. Expose the affair.

They might have been together for longer than 2 months. That's just what you've been told.

Yes, this man could really be in love with your wife, even if it has only been two months.

My H expressed the deepest feelings of love for his OW, which I saw in emails and text messages. When I asked him about that, he denied that it was love and said that it was stuff that came out in the moment, and that it was stuff that was easy to say because he didn't think he'd ever have to follow through on it. He lived in a fantasy world where he hoped that the affair would never be discovered by either me or her H, but it was discovered at various times by both of us. When that happened, she would demand that he follow through on what he'd said was his wish to be with her full time, and his promise to stand by her side, but he always dumped her - and then took up with her again when he thought I wasn't looking, or I couldn't know for sure what was going on during his trips abroad.

However, she believes that he really loved her. She told her husband that she knew he really did (when her husband tried to tell her that she was being used for sex), and that is what your wife is telling you.

Dr Harley believes that many men do love their OW, and I don't spend time any more pondering whether my H did or didn't. He probably did, and he still didn't want to leave me. Your wife's OM might well love your wife, but he has told her he won't leave his wife for her. It's her belief that he really loves her, and that she can get him to leave his wife that is your problem, not whether he does really love her.

He isn't going to leave this wife for her, although his wife might kick him out. If she does, and he decides to move in with your wife, he will resent your wife for making him lose his marriage and their relationship will be horrible. There is no future in a relationship for those two.

Your problem is that your wife is pretending to be all in with your marriage by giving you sex, while spending every minute of every day thinking of how and when she can get OM back.

You need to kill this affair by contacting the other man's wife. What on earth is stopping you? How is being home all day a reason why you couldn't contact her?

I think you're scared to contact her because you think your wife will be furious and possibly leave you. Most of us who did this were scared too, but we knew why it had to be done. You are the only person who can protect your young children from their lives being shattered. Wouldn't you stand in front of a speeding train to save their lives? Why, then, won't you contact OMW to do the same thing?

Man up, for pity's sake.

As well as exposing it to OMW and your wife's family and your joint friends, and asking them to put pressure on your wife to end her affair, you need to tell your children about it. You would explain to the 11 year-old in a different way from how you would explain to your 4 year-old, but you need to tell both of them.

While we're on the subject of the 11 year-old, can you tell us about the relationship that produced her? Was your wife ever married to her father? Why did they split up?

I am going to expose the affair tomorrow. I feel like i have lost her anyways. She told me that he cried to her on and she cried to him. And they said both said they loved each other. It was very emotional. She also told me the night they were about to have sex he went down on her and she tried so many times to go down on him. And he didnt let her. She kept insisting and he did not let her at all. It drove her crazy for a while thinking what it could be. Why didnt he want to have sex with her? Either he was thinking of his wife or he is not confident of his size. I know for a fact he has big shoes to fill, and maybe that dis encouraged him. My wife still thinks about sex with him because he did not let her have it. It seems like she wont stop until she does. I've lost her emotionally. She doesnt want to give me the 30 days she agreed on yesterday. She wants a break. Tomorrow while she is at work i am going to expose the affair to the other wife. This will either make us or break us. I hope all of you are right. Are there any links i can go to so i can see the out come of a similar situation?

Thank you all again. Wish me luck. I will keep you all informed.

Same exact situation. I met her while she was with her boyfriend of 6 years. She came on to me because she was unhappy and in an abusive relationship. I had no one. She fell in love with me really fast. It took me a while but i grew to love her. 5 years later we had a child. We had a rough 9 years, but we made it through. And now we are here. I told her this seems like a cycle. Same situation all over again. The only difference is he is married with a 2 yr old child. They have also been together for 9 years. I asked him if he loved his wife and he said he didnt know. I shouldve exposed this as soon as i found out. BEcause the day i found out i called him, he got so scared he called my wife and told her its over. To have a nice life. But then they continued. I was so mad i left to florida for 2 days, and that gave them the chance to hook up for 1 night. But he did not want to have sex. This mind boggles me so much. I cant understand what happened that night. She just told me SHE WAS TRYING SO HARD! I am losing my mind over this. But i will expose tomorrow.

You said in your first post that Sunday had been her last day at work, so how can she be working tomorrow?

Let me explain. She was working 2 jobs. her 9-5 is at my family business that belongs to my uncle. She started a second job from 6-10 3 days out of the week. And then 8 hours saturday and 8 hours sunday. Weekends was the only time they spent together because he only worked weekends with her. She quit the job that she worked with him. I also forgot to mention a few things about the OW. He says that she has cheated on him in the past. But they worked through it. Now she feels disconnected with him and is encouraging him to go to marriage counseling. That means she wants to make it work. Hopefully they will.

I understand about the jobs now.

How did you expect to have a marriage when she worked all those hours in a week? When did she ever see you and spend time with you?

Do you realise that she'll contact him from work tomorrow?

As to the OMW (not OW), what she has done in the past to her H, and whether she will work on her marriage now is not of interest. You need to grow a pair and expose to her.

There are thousands of links here. Almost ALL of us who are in recovered marriages attribute that to exposure. Those who don't expose, usually don't make it becasue the affair thrives and grows. So, if you want to save your marriage, you really should expose it.

She wasn't married to him it seems, but she had a child with him and should not have got involved with you at the same time. If she had really been in an abusive relationship she would not have courted more abuse by having an relationship with you while she was still with him. She is a woman who runs to another man when she becomes bored with her current relationship.

"I was so mad i left to florida for 2 days, and that gave them the chance to hook up for 1 night"

The way to deal with "getting mad" about the affair was not to turn your back on it and leave her to hook up with him, for goodness sake!

You discovered immediately what a cowardly weasel this OM was so why did you run away from him? Seriously, jjs, there are women on this forum with more testicular fortitude than you have displayed!

And please forget that nonsense about his refusal to have oral sex and their failure to have penetrative sex. She's telling you that so you don't feel the utter revulsion that most men feel when they hear that their wives have given another man sex. She's playing you for a fool, and you are playing along.

That came out wrong! You could be arrested for that!

i know. She worked too many hours. She got a second job because she had put in her mind that she needed to be financially prepared when she leaves me because i was such an [censored]. And believe me, she was ready. Becuase when she told me she wanted to leave me, she meant it. But once i started working toward her heart again, it didnt take much for her to see how much ive always loved her. She even told me that she now knows how much i love her. But she does not want that love from me anymore. And that i will make some one else happy one day. I kept working toward her heart and she still tells me she is confused. I know confused is good. But now with the withdraw she just does not want me to try. Again, she is still very sexually attracted to me. I just had sex with her about 2 hours ago. And i will have sex again tonight just to feel the connection again. I am going to expose tomorrow. This can not go on any longer. And i am also going to tell her about this website.

one more thing. Could he be emotionally invested as much as she is because he cried to her? or could he be confused also? I fell like my future relies on the decision of his marriage.

This sucks so bad.

Hmm. She plans to leave you for sure, then gets a job at which she meets OM and plans to leave you even more.

I wonder if she met him first and that's why she planned to leave you, and then she found a way to work with him and be with him more often.

It doesn't matter, but it's a possibility.

What good does it do you that she's very sexually attracted to you? Why do you keep bringing that up? Do you think she will stay with you because of that, despite what she's told you about her love for OM?

You don't seem to be listening to me about OM and his "investment" in her. I'm sure he does feel invested in her, and some sort of "love" for her, but he will not leave his wife for her. He even told you this himself, and confirmed that by dumping her.

I hope you are right SugarCane. Thank you again. I will keep you updated when this all happens tomorrow. I am really scared but this is the only thing i can do. I cant just sit back and let her feelings and desire grow. And yes i feel the more sex i give her the closer it brings us together. For a while atleast. When we have sex she says things like, i cant leave this, this is what i needed, i will never leave you. And these are things i love to hear. And i know i keep dragging this but i also feel like the longer i can hold her the better. I love to sleep next to her. I love her. I feel like a punk, but i wasnt always like this. I will keep you all updated to see what happens tonight.

Thank you all.

jjs424,

Your WW is addicted to OM, and you keep trying to make rational sense of what your WW is doing, you can't. As long as your WW is in the affair, or has dreams of one day being with OM you will not have a marriage. You can no more make sense of you WWs addiction to OM than you can of an alcoholics addiction to booze.

Relax, when you expose the affair you will kill it dead!

You will also be doing OMWs an enormous kindness, by stepping up and telling her the truth about her marriage. Make sure she understands it is a sexual affair.

God Bless
Gamma

Another thing. He said he was not ready to leave his wife because he does not want to leave her financially unstable. But when she is, he will leave her.

My H said he was not ready to leave me because our kids were young, but implied that she should wait for him. I'm not sure that he ever promised to leave when the kids were grown, but he implied that he would. Certainly the first ever text message I read was from her to him, asking "shall I make THIS work (her marriage), or continue to wait for you?" And I read an email from him to her telling her that he could not leave his seven year-old son, who really needed him, but if he could only be with her, he would be honoured and proud and support her in everything she did (unlike her nasty unsupportive husband, I suppose, who provided a high standard of living for the family, spoiled her wife with gifts and expensive holidays and gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted if it only made her happy). The line "I cannot leave her now because�" has been said by every married man in a cake-eating affair since time began. It's usually children, but sometimes it's financial security and at other times her mental or physical health being unstable that stops them leaving, but they do not leave when those issues resolve.

My son is now 17 and my daughter 24, and my H still doesn't want to leave them or me. The truth is that married men have affairs because it's great for them to have bit on the side. No doubt they become deeply involved because the affair thrills are addictive, and they develop feelings for the person giving them those thrills, but they don't want to leave their marriages - especially not for a slut who sleeps around and deceives her husband and neglects her children and takes her knickers off for anyone who looks her in the eyes and says "I feel your pain; you poor, poor woman married to such an uncaring husband" and who isn't worth half of their wives.

Please stop forensically dissecting the absolute balderdash that these two are spinning and focus on the task at hand. You need to kill this affair.

I strongly urge you to NOT reveal this forum to your WW at this time.

This forum and the suggestions made to you are your secret refuge, at least at this point in time.

You do not want her to be able to snoop on your game plan and undermine your efforts.

If anything, provide 2 books to get started on and read and discuss them together.

1. Love Busters

and

2. Surviving An Affair

Both are available through this site, on Amazon.com, in your local bookstore or even available at your Public Library.

LTL

Did you mean tell OMW about this website? I remember that someone recommended that you did so.

Just as long as she doesn't tell her H about it.

Don't tell your wife about it, if that's what you meant.

All OM promise to the OW that they want to leave their BW's. Then the but comes, kids are too young, BW is ill, etc, etc.