BP, sorry to hear about your wife's loss of her auntie.

Sadness does accompany such loss of people we know, especially those who are "important" to us in our lives.

May your wife find comfort in the Lord, who has shown us that this life is "not all there is."

God bless.

Sorry to hear this news, Bob. Does Squid have much biological family left?

TA

Bob,

My condolences to Squid and you.

Stand up straight, hold her in your arms, with a reassuring smile on your face, tell her Nan is in a better place, her suffering is over and everything will be fine.

That is what we do. We men. We BSs.

Our feelings again are pushed to the back as we stroke and comfort the one who tore our heart from our chest.

I have read through your thread (whew!) I have similar settling (unsettling?) feelings.

I will be checking on you, brother.

kirk

Hi TA

Sure, Squid's family is Indian Catholic, there are hundreds of the boogers

However...Squid's upbringing has led her to place a really high value on extended parts of her family, perhaps in an attempt to compensate for not having a mother. The loss of this auntie, in whose home she lived for much of each week growing up is very painful.

She's off to the funeral directors this morning with her cousin.

Her auntie was a late-life convert to Wicca too - she claimed to be a white witch at the end. This is sore news to a Christian like Squid who knows what that choice likely means for Auntie's eternal destiny.

Ah well. As Dory says " just keep swimming".

Hey Kirk !

Always warm to hear from you bruv'.

You're spot about about my response in this. Its what I do. Its what I always do.

We've had some progress just lately too that I will write about when I get time & inspiration. This death will stop all that though. Again.

Ah well.

Bob,

Progress is good!

It sounded like you had hit a bad patch and were venting/ranting.

Hope that's all it was.

Stay strong and supportive (like always)

kirk

Hiya Bob Sorry about Auntie....

It's bloomin tough on you all, your wife & kids.

Hugs to you all.

It is not fair. Never was. Never is.

We do go on. We do live. We do live well.

We learn, we grow, we hurt, we heal, we grow some more.

And sometimes we putaside our own pain in the face of someone else's.

Wouldn't it be great if when we putaside that pain, we actually never get around to picking it up again, because we become so engrossed in living & loving well.

Rosaline;

Great last line!

Wouldnt it just. For me thats the perfect description of recovery.

"I'm not unhappy, but nor do I feel remotely compensated by our marriage for the trauma."

When I clicked on this thread tonight. It went to your first post. It was so long ago I don't remember that line. Though it got me thinking.

An affair can never be undone. One can never get even when their WS had an affair.

Post affair, all the BS can get is a good marriage where both spouses are happy. BS can have a good marriage with the WS, or divorce and seek a good marriage with someone new.

Then why does the BS stay/divorce? Because after all the plus' and minus' are sumed up. They take there choice.

What can a WW do to pay back?

Cook BH's favorite meal every night?

Wash BH's clothes?

Care for their kids?

Clean the house?

Have SF with the BH two times every day for the rest of BH's life?

There is nothing that can make up for one's WW banging an OM.

Doing what one should do is not compensation. Not breaking NC is what one should do. No more new OM, EA's, PA's, keeping to these things are only doing what one should do.

For those that want just compensation, what is it that they are wanting to feel even?

A with OMW springs to mind!

But its stupid right?

trax

I don't undestand the meaning of: "A with OMW springs to mind!

But its stupid right?"

Well, if just compensation is what you're after then one (stupid?) way is to start a RA (Revenge affair) with the OMW. I suppose it is an RA for both BS/BW then.

Has anybody here gone through with this option?

RA's do not solve anything. They only create more pain. Which is never helpful. Then having a RA never undoes the original PA.

Try. REAL hard.

That's what.

I'll second that and add as a personal expansion -- be willing to sacrifice ANYTHING if it adds to the sense of security and peace of mind of the BS.

Obviously there are limits to ANYTHING -- nothing that would be life-threatening or damaging to their health or the safety of the family.

But...

If it means the WS quitting their job because the BS asks them to or moving to another state or changing routines and circles of friends -- the WS should do it without griping or complaining or sniping at the BS.

What I think compensation gives the BS is that the WS is willing to do whatever it takes to demonstrate how much they value the spouse they betrayed.

I guess it's a half-formed thought, but it's what I didn't get and still don't have. Anything I asked my wayward wife to do was met with refusal or ridicule or bargaining.

When a returning WS doesn't try hard to help the BS recover I think it says " This is better than a divorce but not worth making myself uncomfortable for".

Its a very selfish action. And the BS is left with the thought: " I am clearly not loved and appreciated enough by by FWS for them to invest in me. Is this enough for me ?".

Hence my starting this thread.

This is exactly how I feel. He is improving at meeting my needs but not as much as I need to feel secure.


This is what I fear he thinks. He stands to lose a lot if we were to divorce. I would still have the farm that has been in my family for generations. He would lose it all. After a year long affair that is what he would deserve. I just hope he is staying for the right reasons.

Hope is not a plan, FW. Have you considered having H sign a post-nup that surrenders any rights to any joint assets in he event of his adultery ?

If *I* had cheated and *I* was sorry and repentant *I*'d sign it in order to win back my wife's trust.

Interestingly I am in the process of redrafting my will. Hmm.

Hi Bob,

My story in a nut shell, I found out about what I thought was H's first A 22 years ago, we never really recovered, I knew that I didn't, he refused to discuss it, everyone told me to shut up about it, mainly his family, we went 20 yrs of "under the same roof" I wanted my kids to have everything I didn't, my H brought home the bucks. I had always said when my youngest turned 18 I would leave, he turned 18, I started wanting truths, in between these years I had put up with some bad behavior from the H, keeping money from me, not buying groceries for me, just for him and the kids etc...I decided I was done now that S was 18, D on her own, H didn't want to tell me truths or treat me right, I got a moving van and left,4 days later H spilled all of it, everything H had done, it was a lot. We had already done MC, he lied through it. I was going for the D, he begged me to come home, cried, carried on, I stayed moved out for 6 months, reluctantly I moved back home.

Now, present time, almost 2 yrs later, he still goes to MC, he will do anything I ask, and seems to catch on with things I don't ask about, but, every once in awhile tell me how he does EVERYTHING for me, almost throws it back at me, I explain that now he is up to standard, that before he was below, now he is where he should be. I do feel that I got a new H out of the deal, H is different then before there is no doubt, but one little dip below what H is doing now and I am on it like white on rice, I hate to demand how I want to be loved and cared for but thats just how it is and demand I do, now.

My pain will be with me whether I am single, married to present H or with someone else, I feel like it can never be erased.
I do feel like I live with one foot out the door.
I have not made myself vulnerable, I am always bettering myself, keeping my options open. Not sure if I will ever change, I feel like I have lived this way for over 20 years.

of course this may explain my many tattoo's and nose piercing