I am not sure, how to really work on this one. I guess I can start to write things down as she tells me. I have had this problem for a long time..

An excellent idea.

I have heard the idea that the person who has a hard time to listening sits down and has a notebook with them. When their spouse tells them the issues that bother them they write it down in the notebook.

Have you read all of SAA? Have you read HNHN?

I read all of SAA and I am reading of HNHN. I will take a little note pad with me for now on when we talk or she asks me to do something.

Hi CS, I've been following your thread. This last incident resonates a lot with me.

My FWH is so easily distracted and forgets details about what I say to him, special details. I read your exchange with your W and that could have been us a few monts ago. I agree with your W, is very hurtful to say something and have your partner not pay attention, but I also agree that she is LBing you. She has to stop that.

Writting in a note pad is a very good idea. Not only you are trying to fix the problem, but you are showing her that you do care about what she is saying.

Are you currently talking in person? I would avoid texting while mad/sad/angry etc. Is hard to comunicate when you are face to face, so let along through texts. Specially since she already made up her mind that you don't find her important, anything you say is going to sound careless to her, even if you don't mean it.

kudos!

thank you very much, for that. i wasn't angry when i typed all that but i can see how it can be interpret that way.

Hello CS,
You mentioned that you have a long commute and a smart phone. Do you have the Marriage Builders Radio App? Can you listen to that during the commute?

I've learned a lot from listening to the radio show.

One example that I have heard Dr Harley say:

When you are communicating that something your spouse is doing that bothers you, say "It bothers me when you do __."***
***And you stop yourself from saying from explaining WHY.

He said once people start explaining "WHY" it is where the calm discussion gets into trouble.
If you she asks why you feel this way, stick with the "when this happens, I feel this way."

I know that when I used to try to explain why I say something, we both start getting defensive and emotions and anger escalates.

Brainhurts, do you have any radio links about "why to avoid getting in the WHY?" I think I remember hearing it in the mid-late summer.

Thanks walrus I will check.

Update 1/9/2013:
I worked from home today, and again apologized for not listening yesterday. I went over there after work and played with my daughter for 2 hours and a half. She and I did not really communicate. I wasn't feeling good, due to a possible pinch nerve in my neck and I wasn't feeling good due to starting to get a cold that is going on around here. She just laid down on the sofa and dose off here and there because she is sick as well. She did mention to me she thinks our daughter might have autism. She asked if that bother me, and I said no because I don't think she has it, she's just a little girl, but I said, if she is diagnose with it then I will learn to manage that. I would be there for my daughter no matter what.

As she was getting ready for work, I try to check her phone...she changed the passcode on it...

I was a little perturbed about that. Then as I was leaving, I was telling her I have to work with certain people, mainly this girl that she is jealous of for seeing me more. I told her I wasn't trying to make her jealous when I told her. She asked me what was wrong, and I said my body, it aches from this possible pinch nerve. The doctor gave me anti-immflamatory medicine for it. What I was trying to do is be transparent and tell her what's going on.

Part of me feels like checking out of this because she is not taking any responsibility and I know I shouldn't at this point but I mean she

I know there will be more information coming tonight cause while she is at work we will probably be texting back and forth.

why don't you have custody of your daughter? Is her affair dead? I would get custody of your daughter because who knows what spin she is putting into that little girls mind. You ever thought of calling into the show? I wouldn't out too much faith in FIL. In laws try to stay neutral (in their minds anyway) and are enablers. If your FIL is a pastor why doesn't he suggest to his daughter to go home or better yet refuse to house her because she lost her family for an affair. That smells fishy to me I wouldn't trust him to do the right thing.

I do have the marriage builders app and I have called in and emailed them.

1. I don't have custody because I have a long commute to dc. Right now, my daughter doesn't know what's going on even though she asks me to live with her and stay.
2. MY IL are enablers in my opinion, but they are trying to do what they think is right I guess.
3. I will give him the benefit of the doubt... I wish he would kick her out but he won't unless she contacts anyone else...
4. I am pretty sure the affairs are dead now. I have checked phone records and I am going to make another request soon for my text information.

What denomination Is the FIL a pastor of?
Or is it a local church?

We are Pentecostal.

Should I send her an email/text of what I want her to do such as NC Letter and all and set a date and if she doesn't comply go to plan B?

Have you already told her these things?

Are you feeling like you need Plan B?

How long have you been in Plan B?

I was feel like I should be in plan B...

Here is today's highlights.

Updated 1/10/2013:

Her
ME
You ok?
What do you mean when you ask that?
Are you ok
You've been quiet lately
...are you ok?
I'm sick [/color]
It took you that long to write that
[color:#CC0000]Talk to me
Not sure what to say...
Ok?
I'm sick too
Why?
Why aren't you sure what to say?
What's going on?
I got to take my meds... My chest is starting to really hurt...
Why?
Cause you don't want to talk to me?
Why do you think that?
Cause when we try to talk then your chest starts to hurt
It's fine. If you don't wanna talk then ill talk to you later

Alrighty then...
I am ok to talk to you. I just took my medicine
I tried to get you to talk
I just don't feel like bringing up my emotions about past situations because it
does no good
Like whT
I just been doing my anger management exercises... And figuring out what I
really feel
Ok? And?
I just feel hurt, betrayed, deceived, insecure
And I want to move pass these feelings
Ok I'm sorry
How do you think I felt before
The same I am sure...
Yup
I am sorry I caused you to feel that way
Some days I just don't know if this is going to work
Truthfully me either... I read all these stories about how couples survived this
but when compared to us... Things are just missing for moving on..
You read too much
I read because I am looking for hope
No ones story is our story
You look for things that aren't going to be in our story or there's things in
our story that won't be in someone else's story
If you wanted to truly get back together and move pass this what do you want
from me to do say let's reconcile?
Our story is unique somewhat that I admit
Everyone's stories is very different because each person and the way they act or
don't. Act is very different.
Some days you act fine and great and normal and some days it's like you're crazy
and that scares me
What do you mean crazy?
It's like you are acting crazy
Or something wrong
I can't explain it
Can you give me an example? Think of something recently?
I really can't explain it
One you talk to yourself under your breath
You get upset or crazy looks
You act different I really can't explain. It
I will no longer talk under my breathe.
I am not sure about the crazy upset looks you are referring to?

Most of these things are me expressing myself... Not in a crazy way but really
in a hurt emotional way.. When I talk undery breathe it's because I don't like
sharing my thoughts if I think there is going to be a conflict.
I don't get the crazy look thing though. I do realize when I am getting angry my
face and everything tenses up
I honestly want to be with you and get out of all these bad habits that
contributed to the marriage
I am honestly for the most part just going through a range of emotions and I
would love to have you there to share with
And honestly I feel that you don't want to be with me anymore...
Now that I think of it, I feel like you really haven't forgiven me
Haven't forgiven you!,
???
???,
Have you?
Haven't i
I honestly don't know
And by the way I am feeling better talking to you if you wanted to know
Maybe I just need to get all this off my chest to move on
It always makes a person feel better to get stuff off their chest
And forgiving you I think I've had to do that a lot
For example... If I am going to truly forgive you... And I truly do... I never
want to mention affairs again... I want to live like they never happen.
But it doesn't mean we shouldn't live protecting ourselves from them
Just like my porn addiction.
Yeah
The reality is just want to live secured and move pass this a so be a good
father and husband and restore romantic love back to our marriage and look
further down the road and say we overcome many obstacles and continued to serve
God and honor His name
I don't want some fancy video game, martial art belt, or computer. I just want a
happy victorious marriage and life
Money doesn't matter
Sex doesn't matter
I just want communication and a happy family.
I just want my wife and kids to be happy. I just want them to feel loved by me
I am scared that I will fail them in many ways but I will never give up
I just want to know that you will always be there for me
Wow!
What?
I feel much better. That's why I am having problems letting to of my parents
If your not there then I feel like I have no one
That was very mature statements you made
Huh? What about your parents?
If your not in my life I was afraid of being alone and I basically would only
have them...
But 1. You wouldn't be alone. And 2. I'm not saying I'm not going to come back
and live in the house anymore but even if I didn't I would still be in your life
always
I just wanted to share that...
Those are some of the things that been bothering me

When you talk to her keep the talk light and fun. DO NOT TALK ABOUT FEELINGS/RELATIONSHIPS! When you do that you tend to lovebust or come off needy. If you are sick you should of let her know that and invite her over to make you some chicken soup or something. Flirt with her, talk about happy memories of fave tv shows. I still feel, take it with a grain of salt, she is having an affair.

She called to get her CS fix, next time set something up as family. Like a movie or circus park picnic something like that. You need to remind her that you two share a bond that those other SOBs don't have. Your daughter! The trick is to do it subtle like otherwise it comes of as fake. Next time you see your daughter bring a book and read with her. Bring a gift for your WW as well. Her fave coffee or chocolate something inexpensive yet thoughtful. When WW notices invite her to join. I would also look for employment else where. That commute is draining you and your the only sane parent your DD has. Because of your job you don't have time for her and if you can't fit time in your life for your DD how do you expect your WW to think you can do it for her?

Also, you can bring a kids movie to watch with DD and invite WW to join. Make some popcorn and have a movie night. Don't be upset if WW doesn't join, just smile and say maybe next time. Get creative with your time with your DD remember you want her memories of you being a strong, fun father. Your DD will then be more vocal of your lack of presence due to your WW. She will voice it to WW. If you need any more ideas on how to lure WW into the fold or fun things to do with DD let me know. I'm here for you man, it's had I know but remember she married you for a reason your job is to remind of that because waywards like to delete memories to remove their own guilt. Don't be paralyzed by fear.

TD,

Excellent Plan A advice.

TD,
Thank you for that. I will start dropping the feelings and relationship talk. I will work on setting up family like events.
I will bring a java chip drink since I messed that up last time.

My job requires I get up at 4 am to be there at 7am and I get home around 6pm. I work for the Federal government. I will look into getting a job closer to home.

Thank you again for the advice. I do feel like an affair is still going on because she has changed the password on her phone. I am going to do another inquiry of texts to see if she has been talking to one of those POSOMen or someone else...

You got some examples... I think I may be out of touch.