Married 12 years 2 kids daughter 11 son 7. Married early at 18. Both of us busted our [censored] to make it through college she as a nurse and I as a teacher and then busted our [censored] to make it as professionals and parents but never worked on each other or our marraige. She started bringing it up 2 years ago that she wasn't happy and I didn't understand. I thought we had made it, we were successful have a nice house beautiful kids and pay the bills. She never made an effort emotionally so I thought everything was fine. Turns out she was just closed off.

She was acting ill on dec 2nd and I asked her if she didn't love me and she said no and that she wanted a divorce. I became defensive again said we had no reason to be unhappy and all she could say was that I never help out and that this wasn't a partner ship. Naturally I told her I didn't understand but I wanted to remain married and I'd make whatever changes she wanted me to. The next morning and next day I did all the wrong things pursued her texted her 2 or 3 times quoted songs told her we could do she could have whatever she had been asking for.

But I also started reading some things mostly googled how to win your wife back and some other stuff and began to get a grasp for where I failed her emotionally in the marraige and began to own my role and take responsibility for my part. Over the next few days I communicated that I was beginning to understand where she was coming from, empathized with her feelings, and tried to do some 180's and show that I was willing to change.

A week went by and she told me that she could tell I was trying but didn't know if she could come back from where she was and felt like she needed to talk to an attorney and that maybe some space would be what we needed. She talked to a lawyer but didn't file papers and we agreed on some space after some what of an argument. I told her that if she wanted space that she should leave, after all I wanted us to be a family and the kids wanted us to be a family it wasn't fair for me to be the one to leave. She replied that she was not leaving her kids. I shared the same sentiment and told her that if I backed off that the kids would go with me part of the time and she agreed to that.

We talked to the kids and she told them she was unhappy and that we needed some space to figure things out. That night I left and she agreed for the kids to go with me. I've been out of the house for a week she's initiated a lot of contact with me as far as the kids were concerned and family functions. I'm trying to do the basics get a life which is impossible 180's which help a lot because I finally understood they were for me and I'm trying to detach. I've come up with a million things to say and just shut my mouth.

She's got a crush on another guy weather she wants to admit it or not. I snooped her phone a few nights and found where she had been flirting some guy up. But it didn't look like he was real interested and never saw any indication where it had gotten serious yet.

I'm only giving her this space on the premise that we can still reconcile and that it may help. I am worried that she may be in fantasy land and just think she can move me out and keep everything the same. If it heads for divorce I'm prepared to ask for joint legal and physical custody and ask that I be the primary physical custodian based on my work hours and the fact that I teach in the same system as our children attend. She works 4-5 10 hour shifts a week an hour away and is not home to see the children before they go to bed 4-5 nights a week. She makes slightly more than I do so that eliminates alimony I've paid the last $20000 dollars worth of house bills and have always provided the health insurance so her [censored] could ride around in a new car. She will try and claim that she was the primary care taker but that has always been our grandparents (free child care)

We were married so young and so long there is very little distinction between my family and her family and as it stands now both sides are pleading for her to be reasonable and to give this marraige one last strong chance. But she's not talking to anyone about it like I said I snooped her phone didn't confide in anybody and no deleted messages except the new guys were always deleted the next day.

Right now I'm hoping for a slow down and a turn around in our marraige but I'm also preparing for the worst.

I'd welcome advice and support but I mainly put this out there because reading other people's experiences has helped me cope a lot. Maybe some one else can relate here and receive some help one day.

Talked to a lawyer and they said if she had not served me papers there was nothing to be done unless I wanted to draw some up. We talked hypothetically about the alimony, child support, custody issue. Pretty much I'm screwed with custody because it's an even tie considering most things and even though they say they don't make preferences the mother gets the nod when an adolescent female child is involved.

Should be no alimony and if I were to get primary physical custody she would actually have to pay me child support. But the lawyer said based on the way women have men by the nuts in marraige and divorce that I could ask for that kind of custody but not count on it even if it's a no fault divorce and she is the one who initiates it.

I texted the other mfer and explained that I knew she was emotionally attached to him and that I was trying to make things work between my wife and I. Not to threaten or anything because I figured it would be forwarded straight to her. I figured if he wasn't interested before he may get distant. Or hell it might backfire.

He sent me this long message back about appreciating the concern but I had the wrong idea about he and my wife, worked together along time ago blah blah confided in each other about personal stuff, wasn't intimate wasn't ever gonna be and that he wasn't my problem and from talking to my wife that he was sure that there wasn't another man.

But like I said I'm a school teacher I get lied to all the time.

There needs to be a walk away wife PSA on tv or something. It's the same story of men failing their women in the same areas without knowing it or under the guise of being "providers"

Sucks that moving out was a bad idea. I felt like that was my last good chance at proving I could give her something she asked for and not be selfish. She has opened up some, actually wrote me a letter saying that she was sorting through her emotions, could tell I was trying, but didn't want to go back to where we were. Classic walk away wife verbiage. And I understand where she's coming from. She said she reconciled some of the small things but the big walls around her heart were still there and it would take time counseling and prayer and that she couldn't make any promises. Said she had her, our, and our children's interest in her heart and genuinely wanted all of us to be happy.

I feel like her communicating that was a step forward and if I run back in the house it may ruin my last chance if there is one.

Or the other more likely possibility is that she is trying me like a fool and is going to see how long she can treat me like a little bish and test drive the whole lot behind my back while I do all the bending over sacrificing and changing.

Brought this from another site. This started dec 2nd, tried to remain in the house and make changes give space. Didn't have the self control needed to do that despite my best efforts. Moved out on jan 5th I believe to give her some space and as of today she left me the letter on the 11th and called to speak with me just to talk last night on the 14th.

Hi UH, welcome to Marriage Builders. Did you want some help with your situation? I can't tell if you are blogging or asking for help.

I think your wife may be having an affair with the co worker

I suggest you investigate and see who is spending the nights with her

I would welcome any advice or help. Like I said really wanted to get my story out there to help somebody else one day regardless of where I end up. But on the same note if any one has anything that they think might help I would love to hear it. Biggest issue is me leaving the house. I feel like its helping her open up to me but everyone else I talk to says its my biggest mistake to date.

Sir I just told you what to do.
I suspect she wants you gone so she can spend her nights with a lover
find out who goes to the home (or where she is going) when she is alone

Interestingly, my wife did the SAME thing. ....and it turned out to be opportunity for her to have sex and spend time with another man....

This is very typical behavior.

UH,

There is nothing unique or special about your WWs affair, it's like every other affair, only the names change.

Your WW is having an affair, and the person who stands in the way of that affair is you, hence the need to get rid of you. There is nothing personal about it it's just the way cheating spouses think.

Everyone here will be happy if they are wrong and your WW is not in an affair, or not a WW, but these things are so textbook.

God Bless
Gamma

It is a huge strategic mistake. Your wife had you move out so she could conduct her affair freely. That is what is meant when a spouse asks for "space." Obviously you can't work on the marriage if you aren't there, so moving out makes no sense. All you are doing is facilitating an affair, at your expense and the expense of yoru children.

You are being gaslighted and played so your wife can have her affair so of course, she will be happy and appreciative when you cooperate with her ruse. REad this: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...&Number=1984719&nt=2&fpart=1

Your feelings are deceiving you.

So forget I ever read this bull ish.

<<<Removed link to non-MB website>>>>

Move back home..... NOW!!!

Your W's excuse for needing space is to check out the potential availability of her OM emotional connection, if it hasn't already become physical, which they usually have in short order.

The best way to work on your marriage is to Plan A and avoid any Lovebusters. That part is critical.

Buy the book.

You don't need her permission to move back into your own home. She will be angry and irritated outwardly towards you because it imposes on her fantasy she is either building up in her head, or has already begun.

Just calmly and lovingly tell her that you feel that the marriage can be made better than it ever was before if you both follow the MB guide to creating long-term romantic marriage.

There is a workbook that contains all sorts of questionnaires in it that you can make separate copies of for each of you. Schedule time to start off with the Emotional Needs Questionnaire.

Also, you NEED to spend a minimum of 25 hours per week providing UA, Undivided Attention time with each other. On Sunday, you both sit down an plan these connection times as your first and main priority. The kid time will need to be sacrificed for the long term good of a loving and intact family, else it is divorce and emotional and financial upheaval for everyone in the family.

That OM male friend of your W needs to be eliminated if there is any chance of being successful.

Keep snooping Very Discreetly. DO NOT let her know the bits and pieces that you may discover.

Get::
Computer Keylogger
GPS tracking placed on her vehicle
A VAR digital recorder placed in her car
Install spyware on her phone BEFORE she password protects it and locks you out.

Read the Operation Investigate sub-forum for more info to find out about what products to use and how to implement them.

Don't be Pushy, Clingy or in desperation mode of pursuit. She will pull away more if you do.

Read up on the Livebusters book.

Keep posting with updates daily and ask questions on what and how to do things and how to best respond, versus react emotionally.

LTL

In regards to the WAW verbiage. Whats your opinion?

Do women really feel this way in regards to their emotions, is it the husbands fault for not being more connected? I mean there are a lot of areas I wish our marraige would have been better but I wasn't going to walk away over it.

Or is it her fault, has she just lost interest and needs to shift the blame on the husband to help her live with the fact that she tore a family apart because she wanted to do something different.

She is involved in the fantasy of an affair.

You could have been perfect up till she had poor boundaries and then the marital history gets rewritten.

But, you nor anyone else has been a perfect spouse.

Forget about the idiosyncrasies about the verbiage and WAW formula and make a plan with action.

The 1st action is discovering everything you can.

The 2nd action is break apart the fantasy by exposure.

Without breaking up the emotional/physical affair it will not matter what you do.

LTL

You likely weren't audience number one for that letter. Women, well really persons, in affairs act like addicts. Everything is about the affair. She likely needed to convince herself and the OM that she is trying to work on her marriage such that when it ends she'll have documented efforts (the letter) to point at to PROVE she tried. It's just part of the game she's playing with herself in her own head.

Move home.

If she needs "space" clear a space for her in the garage, attic or basement.

Protect yourself...IF she's in fact having an affair...you moving back home will threaten that relationship. Addicts don't like having their addictions messed with so they sometimes go nuts on you, then they call the cops and try to have your removed using the police in front of your own children under the notion that they are scared of you or because you grabbed them (to restrain them from hitting you). If you carry a voice activated recording device in your pocket you'll be able to record the interaction and possibly protect yourself from any bogus restraining protective order petition. You may even get the advantage of turning the tables on her in any custody dispute (should it, God forbid, come to that)

You need to get home and snoop out the truth. Don't warn her that you are on to her or they will take it underground. Read the Operation Investigate forum for tips.

Godspeed and welcome to MB,

Mr. W

We both have separate counseling sessions tomorrow. My session is after hers, I'm going to lay down my plan for returning home this weekend and read the therapist reaction. I figure we're both going anyway what's another day and the therapist is bad about "sharing" each others feelings between sessions.

I'm going back home this weekend and explaining what I feel and believe about our marraige. How I'm prepared to work to move forward and if she's not sure she's welcome to stay home also and figure it out or if she needs space she can go find it.

If there's anyway you can help me build up that message a little I'd appreciate it.

UH, read through the exposure 101 link in MelodyLane's signature and do what is recommended there.

Get the book Surviving an Affair and read through it - Dr. Harley has the plan that works for fixing this.