So I am here because in September 2013 my wife cheated on me. I had access to emails, fb, and I could see her text message log. I did snoop and find a little convincing text messages, but nothing condemning. The emails were the ones that gave it away. So I confronted her about it and asked for a divorce. She pleaded with me that she didn�t want that and that she would change. So the first few weeks went well, we were intimate, loving, holding hands, talking about things, talking about what had happened. Then we started sliding again because she said that she wanted me to not be in her business. She said that she needed to have closure with this guy and to let her. Then a couple of weeks later she went to the doctor because she was having female issues. She found out that she contracted an STD and I was tested as well. Well I tested positive. She felt bad. And we have been seeing a chaplain, but I don�t think it is getting us anywhere. I just found this site and was reading about exposure, but at this point is it a good or hurtful thing to do? I told my brother (which has caused her say that she cant go with me to see my family anymore, any advice on this?) and a couple of other people, but I have found out that she really hasn�t told anyone about it. I know that she wont. I also have a question about telling our two teenage sons. One is 14 and the other 16. How do I tell them and is it the right thing to do. I am afraid that she will blow up if I tell them. Also should I put in the exposure fb message that we both got an STD from this affair? BTW we have been treated for it and it is no longer an issue medically. Please help me out.

Welcome to MB, tm. I am sorry to hear about these events.

What does the underlined passage mean? Did you let her have "closure" with this man? What did that consist of, if so? Do you have any means of knowing whether she can still contact him?

Are you "in her business" now, or does she still insist on privacy?

You should certainly tell your close family members, and hers, including your sons, about the affair and ask for their help in supporting your marriage. There is no need to do a Facebook exposure at all, and no need to tell your close family about the STD unless you think they can support you about that in some way.

Tell the close family members in person, or by phone call.

Who is OM? An old boyfriend? A colleague? Does he live near to you? Do they still work together?

Troubledman,

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry that you are going through this. However, you are in the best place possible to recover from infidelity. Please take a look at the first thread on this forum. It will give you several links to threads about what to do to recover from an affair. Also, please get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair".

Step one is to break up the affair. Exposure is the premier way to do this. How does your wife know the OM? Do they work together? Is he married? Is your wife still in contact with OM?

You should tell your children. Our sons were 14 and 19 when my H had his affair. Both of them now have a great relationship with their father. AND both of them now have the information and tools to prevent an affair in their future relationships.

BTW, your wife did not want you in her business because she wanted the freedom to conduct her affair without interference from you.

AM

Well I did to answer your question. What that consisted of I dont know. OM is a former co-worker. She quit the job but not because I found out. The physical part of the affair happened after she quit. Yes he lives in the same area. Well within driving distance.

I thought it is important to do the FB exposure. I dont know of any other way to contact her friends.

To be honest I am afraid that this will unhinge our current rebuilding phase.

Feel so helpless.

My advice was based on the impression that the affair was over, but looking at this post, it might not be over after all. If they were physical after she left the job, and you are still in close proximity to him, then there is every chance that the affair continues. A wider exposure than just to close family would be necessary in that case, and FB would be a useful tool in that.

Please try and tell me about this closure. Did you allow your wife to meet OM face-to-face? to phone him? To write a letter telling him that the affair is over - a letter that you read and that you posted? What?

Have you any means of knowing whether she still sees him? Are you out at work all day? Do you know what she does with her time, now that she is no longer working there? Are you able to see what she does online? Do you have access to her phone to check her emails and call log?

the closure was i suppose to text or phone him. To be honest I blocked him from texting her. She is currently employed somewhere else. Yes I have the means to know if she is contacting him still.

I would like to have some advice on if I should tell our children or if both of us should.

You should tell them by yourself.

Have you read Dr Harley's writings about infidelity, freely available on this site? Have you watched the video?

"You suppose"? You honestly did not ask whether she intended meeting him again?

i did not ask. i know foolish of me. i really dont know what to do. i did read some of his writings, but no i have not watched the videos, i can not watch them here at work.

How did she meet him after she quit? Did they meet in the daytime when she should have been at home, or at work? Where did they meet? Home or a hotel?

at his house

Is the OM (other man) married?

WHEN? Daytime or evening? How did she evade you?

I'm trying to help here, but you need to be a bit more forthcoming.

Have you read this and watched the video?

SAA-Start Here First-Welcome

the om is single and it was during the daytime. she just went over there.

If she asks why i did this exposure and where did i get the idea, what do i say? i know it says to own it and to not reference this site.

"I'm willing to work with you to create a marriage where both our needs are met. However, you must end your affair."

If she gets mad and starts and argument offer her favorite beverage or snack. Also get a VAR from RadioShack and have it on you. Don't let her know about it or this site. Please, follow the advice here as well.

well i meant what do i say where i got the idea from, because i want to bring in the lessons of some of the material on this site without having to buy every book.

A lot of people find out their spouse is cheating after being diagnosed with the STD.

I think its gone on a lot longer and she only told you because eventually the doctors would have told you.

What STD is it?
I would consider filing a lawsuit against OM for damages.

Your first step is exposure.
You need to expose to the OM family and friends.
And your family and friends.

Dr Harley encourages exposure to children

Sir the first thing you need to do is expose.
Ypu should contact OM parents and ask if they can persuade him to stay away from your family tell them that he gave and std to your wife also