My wife and I have been married for seven years and been together for ten. In the beginning of our relationship, we were long distance. Whenever we saw each other she was very affectionate with me and very sexual. She initiated sexual contact quite often (at least 25% of the time, which was good enough for me) but she remained a virgin until our wedding night � I was not. She moved to my area about two months before the wedding and things were the same.

About six months after the wedding things started going downhill. She was no longer affectionate with me and no longer initiated any sort of sexual contact. Whenever I would try to initiate her responses were either �no,� �tomorrow,� or �are you kidding me?� It bothered me, but not enough to complain about since we were still having sex about once a week (down from 3 or 4 times a week). I blamed the stress of living in a new area, her new job, not having any friends here, and getting adjusted to married life.

My wife has never been a social person. She has one or two friends here and they are only through her work. She does not go out with anybody except her one work friend (and even then it�s only to her house for dinner with her and her husband) or to her cousins� house. She�s very much a home body. She never wants to go out and do anything with me. I have invited her many times to go out with my friends and I, yet she refuses. I can get her to go hiking with the dog and I about once a week, but even then she complains.

She doesn�t think anything is wrong and has not indicated that I have done anything to cause this behavior in her. At this point, I just take it as this is how she�s always been and I was just bait-and-switched. I�ve asked her if she�d be willing to go to marriage counseling � she said no. I asked her to go speak with someone because I think she�s depressed � she said no. I asked her to talk to her gynecologist about switching her off the pill because I have a hunch that it killed her libido � she said no. She doesn�t seem to think there is a problem at all.

Last year things finally came to a head. I wrote her a long letter detailing how I felt, what I thought needed to change and how I was tired of doing all the heavy lifting and having none of my needs met. Those needs included going out with her, affection, intellectual intimacy, emotional connectivity, and sex. I took great care to be nonjudgmental and as kind as possible. She turned it around on me and made me feel like a gigantic [censored]. Sex did pick up a little bit � we went from once a month back to once a week but that only lasted until about summer. I think she may have thought she placated me and no longer had to do any work on our relationship.

After a few months of getting nothing from her, I finally checked out of the marriage. I had talked to her multiple times throughout the years and begged to go to counseling but nothing ever changed. She finally picked up on my having checked out and now she wants to change. She tries to be affectionate with me but I cannot bring myself to be that way with her anymore. She tries (asks) to have sex with me, but I cannot bring myself to do that with her anymore. She�s a very attractive woman and I should consider myself lucky but because of the lack of sex and affection from her I am just no longer sexually attracted to her anymore.

I think part of the reason why she�s being like this now is that she realizes that I�m done. I�m through with the marriage. I no longer care about saving it and I think she just doesn�t want to be along. I don�t think she ever really cared about being married to me, she just wanted a husband. We�re not rich by any stretch of the imagination � I�m a student and work part time, she�s a teacher and works part time, we live in a house my parents own and they don�t charge us rent while I�m in school. She wants to have children and I think she�s just trying to save what she can because time is running out for her to have kids. I know that once we do, I�ll be even lower on the priority list for her.

I cry almost every night then get so frustrated with myself for having put up with this for so long. It�s to the point my heart breaks every time I see a happy couple! There�s nothing left that I can do except divorce her. I plan on leaving her, but can�t really afford a divorce until I finish nursing school and get a job. She has no idea this is coming. I�m debating telling her so she can prepare herself, but at the same time that will give her time to change until she feels I changed my mind.

I cannot let go of the resentment! I have tried, I just can't let it go. Even if we have "good" days, it's still there. If she tries to hug me, I just stand there, I don't hug her back. I don't know how to describe how it feels - I just feel on edge.

I also have really strong feelings for a friend of mine � this didn�t happen until very recently (about two months)AND LONG AFTER I DECIDED TO DIVORCE. We were in the same clinical group over summer and through the fall semester. We have a lot in common; same sense of humor, same interests, same love for being outside, etc. I have given her, nor anyone else for that matter, any indication that I have feelings for her; however, I get the very strong feeling that she may have SLIGHT feelings for me but am not really sure. I�ve tried distancing myself from her as I feel it�s not appropriate to have these feelings when I�m still married, but life just pushes us together. For one of our rotations we were either split into groups of two or went individually, of course I was partnered with her! For our last clinical rotation, she�s in my group again and on the same floor and days as I am. I don�t contact her when we�re not in classes but once in a while she�ll text me. If we are assigned partner work by a professor who assigns the groups, most of the time she's my partner.

I wish so much that I could be with this person. She�s got a great personality; she�s funny, light-hearted and very pretty. Unfortunately, the only thing I can do is treat her as a friend and with cool detachment (I�m in no way rude to her but I don�t go out of my way to be around her) � as I said I don�t want to give her any indication that I have feelings for her. I guess when I divorce things will be different, but at the same time after the way my wife has treated me, I�m so scared to get into a relationship again. I�m terrified that I�ll be treated like I�m worthless again. I�d rather just focus on my career and aspirations for grad school.

I'm not really looking for advice. I just want to know that things will get better for me. I'm terrified of divorce. My family loves my wife and she loves them. A lot of people will be hurt and I know that none will support me with exception of my dad and brother. Mom, aunts, uncles, cousins will not be supportive of me. I don't really want to involve my friends as it is too much of a burden on them even though I know they would be willing to shoulder it.

Lonely, you came to marriagebuilders so I'll assume you want to save your marriage and NOT divorce.

I would suggest you read the Basic Concepts and start implementing them in your marriage.

If you have anyquestions with particular concepts just ask.

~RQ

I would also suggest that you no longer have any contact with this "friend". Opposite sex friends are a danger to marriages. Are Opposite sex friends a risk to marriage? It is not fair to your wife and is extremely hurtful. You should tell her how you feel about this OW so you can both handle the situation together.

Rocketqueen,

Thank you for taking the time to reply; however, I don't think you quite read my entire post. I am not interested in saving my marriage, if I was, I would not have posted in the Divorcing forum. My wife has not fulfilled any of my needs (and yes, I fulfill all of hers, no matter what they are); be it for intimacy, affection, friendship, doing outdoor activities. We are just to vastly different and it sucks that that's the way it is, but it is. She has zero desire to fix the marriage, so I've checked out. The many times I've brought it up to her have resulted in empty promises of change on her part. I can't be the only one who has to change, she needs to give some too. To reemphasize what I posted before, I have checked out of the marriage - this happened early last summer. Just to be clear, this was before I met this friend and long before I began to have feelings for her. I moved out of the bedroom in late September because I could not longer sleep in the same bed with my wife - who is basically a roommate that I am legally bound to. There is no love from her end, no affection, no tenderness, no intimacy. She has no desire to do anything I'm interested - doesn't want to go on hikes with the dog and I, has no interest in going to the beach during the summer, no interest in traveling. She likes to stay at home and watch her television shows - won't even play board games. I'm forced to do all these things with my friends, which is great because I have a nice group of friends, but I'd like her to come along with me as well!

As for opposite sex friends, my generation doesn't really care about opposite sex friends, nor do we see them as a threat to our relationships. With Dr. Harely on this point, I respectfully disagree. About half my friends are female, some single, some not - the wife has met them all (once on the one occasion she came to an after-semester bar crawl with us). My closest friend is a female and she's married and I'm good friends with her husband as well. My wife chooses not to socialize with us, yet she has no friends of her own (I wish she did).

I deserve to be happy. She had her chances to be my wife and she blew it. I gave her countless chances. We did the love languages thing, didn't really work. Her language is verbal or whatever and mine was physical. I did the verbal stuff she wanted; she didn't take my love language into account for anything.

I'm really only here to get support from others that have been in my position. I'm not interested in saving the marriage - it would take a complete personality change on the part of my wife to do that and she's not someone who would ever do that. Once I graduate nursing school and have my career started paperwork for divorce will be filed. I just can't do this anymore.

"Checked out of the marriage"? Sir, you do not just decide to check out of the marriage but continue to be married. You either put in the effort to have a great marraige or you get divorced.

Marriage is a committment. Not whatever is convenient for you.

The ones who are here are the ones that have followed Dr. Harley's concepts and were not able to get the other spouse to stop their DJ's, AO's, SD's and/or infidelity.

It's not for people who feel that they "deserve to be happy" so they will do whatever they want to do and talk to whomever they want to no matter how hurtful it is to their spouse.

I suggest you do read some of the articles on Dr Harley's site and educate yourself. Your post is filled with disrespect towards your wife. It might help you become a better person, regardless.

My post is not filled with disrespect towards her at all - it's filled with the facts of what our marriage has become - two roommates legally bound to each other. Laying down the facts is not being disrespectful. She doesn't fulfill any of my needs, while I fulfill ALL of hers - she'll be the first one to say she has no complaints. So really, she is the one being disrespectful of me. She's the one who insults me to my face. She's the one who doesn't want to participate in any activities with me, yet complains when I do them with friends. Sorry, but I'm not staying at home and watching television all do - I am not a home body. She can come with me, I'm not asking her to go everyday, but a hike a couple of times a week is not asking too much. But at this point, I don't really care anymore. I go with my friends and we have a blast, she's invited every time (my friends have also begged her to come), yet refuses to go. Then she complains that I don't want to do anything with her. She's brought this upon herself and she has no one else to blame but herself...I just wish I had seen it all sooner instead of falling for the bait and switch.

Oh my, reading your post was exhausting. The basic problem is that you were attempting to get your needs met whether she enjoyed doing it that way or not. Rather than creating a lifestyle that you would BOTH enjoy, you were reaching for unilateral decisions, ie: win/lose. For example, you like to have a vigorous social life and it sounds like that didn't appeal to her at all. You didn't try to find mutual interests.

As a result of this approach, she fell out of love and when a woman falls out of love, she not longer is interested in sex.

I can see where this all went wrong and we can help you put it back together. I know you say you want a divorce, but let me assure you that this will be a problem in your next marriage too if you don't learn the necessary skills to create an integrated marriage.

In other words, the problem is not this wife, but the lack of skills necessary to create a romantic, integrated marriage.

You might as well try to do that in this marriage since you are already married. Do you want some help?

So she didn't like being FORCED into your agenda?


You have destroyed your marriage by trying to force your wife to sacrifice for you. You have created an incompatible marriage by not finding activities you both like. Do you understand that? That is why your wife lost interest in sex with you.

It is profoundly disrespectful to try to force your spouse to do things they don't like. Pretty soon they don't want to be around you at all. You have created incompatibility with this approach. You might as well learn a different approach in this marriage because it will happen in the next marriage too.

I do not go "hiking" and if my husband continually badgered me to do something I hate, I would view it as very disrespectful. Obviously your wife doesn't like to hike so you were trying to gain at her expense.

[quote=MelodyLane] The basic problem is that you were attempting to get your needs met whether she enjoyed doing it that way or not.

I think you missed the part where I wrote that she didn't meet any of my emotional or intellectual needs either. You just focused on the activies, which are quite frankly, the least of my concern since I have friends willing to do those with me.

Rather than creating a lifestyle that you would BOTH enjoy, you were reaching for unilateral decisions, ie: win/lose. For example, you like to have a vigorous social life and it sounds like that didn't appeal to her at all. You didn't try to find mutual interests.

No unilateral decisions were made. I invite her wherever I go. SHE makes the unilateral decision not to come.

As a result of this approach, she fell out of love and when a woman falls out of love, she not longer is interested in sex.


I can see where this all went wrong and we can help you put it back together. I know you say you want a divorce, but let me assure you that this will be a problem in your next marriage too if you don't learn the necessary skills to create an integrated marriage.

I'm not hear to save my marriage. SHE destroyed it, not me. I'm here to find ways to survive the next few months.

/quote]

So you want us to give you permission to leave your current wife for someone else? Is that what your asking?

Sir the bad habits you built in this marriage will be present and stronger in all relationships after your marriage. It isn't your wife but the bad marriage wrecking habits you both have. Your selfishness to trade your current wife in for another will be the anchor around your neck for life.

Dr. Harley has a plan for both your wife and you to break these bad habits and build new good habits that support marriage.

If you simply came here for permission to destroy your life and your wifes life then I'm sorry ... you're on the wrong forum.

It's a shame that you're responding with animosity to those people who are trying to help you. This site is for marriage building. Those of us who divorced here tried our best to save our marriages using this program. This is not a divorce support group.

I didn't miss that part at all. It makes perfect sense given that you weren't interested in creating a compatible lifestyle that took her feelings into account.


you made a unilateral decision to go without attempting to find things to do that she enjoys too. Your invitations were to do things YOU LIKED.


You destroyed your marriage with your selfish demands and independent behavior. You created an incompatible marriage by taking a win/lose approach.

If you don't get this, you will have the same problem in the future. Asking your partner to "sacrifice" for your happiness is the path to incompatibility. But you already have learned this the hard way.

Who would want to be with someone who makes selfish demands and doesn't care about the desires of their spouse? No one. She enjoyed watching TV more than she wanted to be with you. That should tell you something is wrong with the "invitations" you are offering. You decided to do thing *YOU* alone like and then denigrated her for not going with you.



She rejected your one way road and you are blaming HER for it.


It is disrespectful to try to force a spouse to do things you know they don't like. If you want her meet your needs, the key is to find a way that she LIKES.

It sounds very much like your wife checked out of your marriage because you created a miserable atmosphere for her. She obviously did not like hiking and didn't like socializing as much as you. But instead of looking for solutions that made you both happy and complemented your marriage, you did your own thing and then condemned her for not joining you.

I hope you learn from your mistakes if you really do end up divorced. Otherwise you will take these poor habits into your next relationship.

When you decide to do something regardless of inviting her or not, you are unilaterally making the decision to go. I hate camping. My wife likes camping. Should I be expected to go camping because my wife likes it? And if she kept asking, it would get annoying. I can tell you that this is what happened. She kept telling me if I went is have a good time and I should try it. So I did. And I had a miserable time. I went with an open mind and anything and everything that could go wrong did. The point is we don't sacrifice for our spouses nor do we ask them to sacrifice for us. Continual brain storming must happen to find things that both spouses can do together.

You should also realize that it is highly doubtful you were meeting all her needs the way she wanted them met nor were you the model husband you seem to paint yourself as. None of us on this forum before using marriage builders were great spouses.

Sir, that is the problem you describe...a tug-o-war between individual feelings.

Dr Harley has a Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA): Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse.

She sounds like she's depressed.