This is a lie...period. I would bet my left arm. A woman who wants to jump your husband's bones does not go to your house while you are away on vacation and then opts to go to the grocery store vs getting naked.

Wake up blackbird!!!

That is him.....I haven't listened to it since when it happened but I do remember he was not truthful in the conversation anyway.

Your WH's behavior is not that of a "best friend" or anything remotely close to one.


You will have to always check up on him. Either you are willing to live like this or you're not.

What are you thinking of doing at this point?

I don't know. I know I am going to read surviving an affair. And I am going to schedule a polygraph...I have to figure out what to ask. If he passes the test, I have to believe he is being honest. If he fails it....I don't know...I guess we will be looking at long term separation, and maybe beyond.

I have to head out the door but agree you need to do a poly. Prepare yourself for more attempts of trickle truth from WH. I told my then WH not to talk to me because I was tired of hearing his lies (that he and OW never met in person, then they met but only talked, then they only kissed once, then...blah blah blah) Until you have written out your questions and booked the poly, be prepared for this...or the silent treatment or more gaslighting. Personally I would make him do some work and have him at least do the leg work of looking for a couple poly places. Let him sweat!!!

So, bit of an update...

We had a very long talk, I asked many tough questions, pushed to get as much out as possible. I started with having made a bunch of possible polygraph questions, it helped me keep track of what I wanted to know, and this session will help me ask the right questions on the polygraph.

First of all, he still absolutely maintains he has not had sex with another person. The closest was attempted kiss and this was years ago.

He says towards the end of this EA/ended in almost PA...he was concerned she was getting a little stalkerish and he was freaked out. She attempted to make contact many times after he repeatedly asked her to stop. She apparently last texted him September 2013 to say happy birthday, he did not respond. He says he did not unfriend her on fb bc he was afraid of retaliation (her exposing to me I guess?)

He feels she was very emotionally invested in him, and him not so much in her, more friends than sexual attraction, but he did plan on meeting her that night for sex, just changed his mind.

He has somewhat pursued several women over the years but never to affair point. Only women at work that I know of, writing this out, I'm thinking they were all subordinates but not sure if that's coincidence or a thing with him.

He has had a LOT of internet problems....chatting, webcam, personal ads, porn, etc.

He has been accessing porn and masturbating at work. We have had a fairly sexless marriage (due to his disinterest) and he always claimed he had no drive. Testosterone tests came back normal. Turns out he is masturbating regularly at work at least, which was pretty shocking, and the way he is doing it is honestly risking his job. He could easily have accessed porn at home via multiple devices, even his phone at home or work but instead opts to do this, not sure what that means.

He has a drinking problem. He confessed he sneaks drinks all the time, like if I go to the bathroom, he will quickly drink...he makes drinks very strong, he drinks when alone, etc. I feel that makes him an alcoholic, I'm not sure he agrees.

He has stopped using the webcam, but attempts (and is often successful) in molesting me in my sleep. This one took a long time to draw out, but he now says this was as recently as last week that is over 4 years that I know of....he finally admitted he cannot control himself....obviously what I thought were safe measures were not and though he can't broadcast it on the internet, he still likes to do it. (I had not known this) I have been careful to not alert him to any sleeping aids I take but he obviously has figured out a system, and we are probably looking at long term separate sleeping. I asked very specific questions and it was pretty shocking and difficult to hear, but at least I know.

There was a bunch of other stuff, but mostly I think it points to more that he has major sexual deviancy issues more than anything. He is clearly into getting sexual thrills in a variety of abnormal ways.

He even admitted he molested a child once when he was in his midteens a cousin, she is grown up now and as far as I can tell she would have been too young to remember (like maybe 2?)....and he swears that was the only time, I do believe him that he has never touched our daughter inappropriately but obviously it will be asked on the polygraph. I was sexually abused as a child and he knows it, very very difficult to hear these things.

So, I am going forward with the polygraph. I told him in no uncertain terms that if he fails, I want a divorce.

I told him he is risking all of our lives by his pornography problem at work, and he has been instructed to delegate someone to restrict the devices he is accessing on, and he will not know the password.

I told him I want a no contact letter written (we will have to send via fb, or he can call her in my presence and read it, I'm not sure she will get the fb message, what is better?) she has moved, changed jobs several times, etc, and neither of us have any other way to contact her. I want to do this ASAP, so advice please! Also, should the no contact letter be different since it is supposedly one sided communication and the affair imploded a year and a half ago?

I am planning on exposing to our parents. I am waiting until the polygraph, if he is truthful that it went as he said, I think it will be sufficient. If it is a lie, I will expose to anyone and everyone I possibly can. I feel there is no extreme rush given the circumstances.

I'm going to ask him to start seeing a therapist, however...I'm not sure that will help due to the fact that he lies so much. Even during this major conversation he lied several times and I was able to catch a lot by asking a lot of questions in a variety of ways and walking through stories step by step.

Is there a way to restrict or track an iPhone as far as porn goes? For my kids I use an alternate browser but they aren't great and it would be nice if there were a different option...he is certainly willing to do that though.

Any other steps I need to take right now? I am going to schedule a polygraph ASAP when I call Monday morning.

I would suggest you separate and run as fast as your legs can carry you away from this man. This site does not advocate marriage at all costs.

I am sorry to see you are so delusional that you believe its forgivable for your WH to molest a child as long as he only did it once ( and you believe him because he has lied to you all this time about EVERYTHING). Please wake up. There is nothing to love about this monster you married.

People like you make me so angry because you enable and support the world scum bangs and make excuses for them. The man you are married to is dangerous he needs to be exposed to the authorities, all friends and family as soon and possible and you need to get away from this toxic situation.

Drinking is not an excuse for his behaviour, childhood issues are no excuse for his behaviour, THERE IS NO EXCUSE for his behaviour and should a miracle happen and he gets help then it will take months and years for him to become a worthwhile member of society again. Run while you can before you end up on the front pages of papers as the enabling wife of a monster who covered up his crimes for him.

I see no hope for your marriage.

Trust me, I am not saying what he did was forgivable. It is never ok to molest a child, even once....but he was in his teens, many years ago....he didn't have to tell me, it wasn't on my radar and it never would have come up on the test. What he did was wrong, but he regrets it, has never done it again (I will verify), and as long as what he says is true....well I love him, I want my family to be together, and I want our marriage to work.

And drinking is definitely not an excuse, and I don't think he thinks it is...I just finally decided to confront him about all of this. I know I have buried my head in the sand.....for far too long. I have enabled his behavior, I see my fault in this. And it stops now. We will figure out a system of complete accountability.

And of course, this is only if he passes. I have to accept that if he fails, he is simply incapable of changing, or at least not willing.

If I had known everything, I wouldn't have married him. But....I didn't know, and I did marry him. We have two amazing children and a life built together. I just can't face losing all of that when I feel there is hope. If he passes, there is hope.

Serious question

What is your limit???

What does he have to say or do in order for you to walk away??

Just because someone confesses something does not negate what they did.

Would you forgive a mass murder because he told you he was one when he didn't have to tell you??

Please consider you kids are NOT safe, and you are not safe. I would rather be alone in a ditch that allow a sexual deviant to be part of my family and raise my kids.

And it's horrible, I know it sounds so horrible.....

I've been very stupid and naive. But my divorcing him will not change what he did in the past. I've really opened my eyes in the last couple of days...don't know what took me so long, but all this time, nothing could have gotten better, because I let him manipulate me. But I'm not going to now, and I realize we are looking at a lot more precautions than a "normal" marriage....and maybe in the end it won't work and I will divorce him, but I feel I could still try....

I haven't thought of what my limit is. Failing this polygraph is a limit. Finding out he has ever touched another child inappropriately is a limit. Rape, murder....horrible things, I of course would leave.

But everyone makes mistakes....this happened like nearly 20 years ago (the molestation) then it seems to me he does not have an active problem with it. Surely he would have done something else in the last 20 years, right?

Maybe there is just something mentally going wrong with him, I don't know...but he isn't a monster....he really is a good person in so many ways, and I know that no one who knows him would ever suspect his history.

I feel like I am sitting here defending him, and I really don't mean it to be like that. It's not ok, he needs to change, there's no way I am determined to stay with him no matter what. We are at the brink of separation/divorce and it could go either way, I just don't know....but I think it is fair to give him the chance to pass a polygraph, this is the first time he is truly being held accountable and he is willing.

He already told you that that he has sexually molested at least one child. That isn't enough? How many children would he have to admit molesting before you would consider it a "horrible thing"? He has also raped you many times in your sleep--and aired it on the internet--and you haven't left.

He has, but you've been in denial! And the sexual molestation of a 2-year-old girl is not a "mistake." Do not use minimizing language to describe such a monstrously cruel act.

I cannot believe you haven't even told his cousin what he did to her when she was a toddler. TELL HER IMMEDIATELY, and explain that he only admitted to one incident, but that cannot be true. Your husband is a sexual predator. He has been preying on children since he was a teenager. Child sexual predators do not have a single victim on a single occasion.

Contact the police. Tell them about his illegal, predatory sexual activities regarding 1.) his cousin, and 2.) molesting you in your sleep and sometimes airing it on the internet. Tell the police you want him arrested and inform them about his computer activities. If the authorities search his electronic devices, they will find child pornography. And please stop deluding yourself at your own children's expense; your husband has probably molested them, too. He may have stopped when they became old enough to remember and tell you (as he did with his cousin), but he has almost certainly done it. Please educate yourself on the psychology of a child sexual predator.

He likely finds his victims via the internet and those "personal ads" you mentioned. He has already admitted some of his predatory activities to you, so you can no longer claim ignorance. Stop making excuses and stop covering for him. Call the police.

And Ted Bundy was a nice guy except for the times he wasn't.

I'd advise to keep yourself and your child thoroughly protected from him, not vulnerable and trusting and get that polygraph done yesterday. He has such a secret second life that it's downright frightening. You need to view him as a predator right now, not some poor lost soul that just needs a little bit of understanding.

I've got to wonder why him taking advantage of you AS A HABIT isn't past your limit. Self respect - you deserve it.

The thing is that you can't save him or control what he does, you can only control the way you act and react. By you accepting and quite frankly at times enabling his depravity towards you never mind kids you are effectively not giving him the help he truly needs to do permanent changes.

No one out there LOOKS or ACTS like a predator to the general public so how he looks and acts to others does not make him "normal" in any way. You know the truth and you are not rejecting the vile acts he committed by sticking by him and giving him more chances.

In 2011 you believed him (despite knowing he is a liar even then) that he stopped assaulting you while you slept then now 3 years later he admits he did it again only this week and hasn't really stopped. Where is the sing if hope you so easily speak of??

Would you believe Dr Harley if he told you to divorce your Husband?? I have notified the moderators in the hope he will look into this thread and advise you as no one here is getting through to you so far.

What more evidence do you need that this is hopeless?? How many times has he taken part in trickle truth that turned out to be more?? And how on EARTH can you claim he is a good father?? On what planet is a man with his depravity ever a good father? Just having devices with porn on them in a family home where kids can stumble upon them is an offence of disgusting fatherhood on its own never mind the rest.

What will you tell your kids if as adults they stumble on the videos he posted on the net of you being molested??? "It's ok darling. Daddy didn't mean it" ???


You should set an example for your kids and teach them what's right from wrong and be brave enough to expose the deviant behaviour of their father so they don't grow up accepting abuse like you have.

You really need to realise that his depravity will come to light one day for sure and people will literally hate you for knowing about it and not doing anything for all this time, you will loose your kids, your family and friends because depravity like that won't stay hidden for long and you will be part to blame for knowing about it.

I know he will either fail the lie detector or you will be persuaded again not to make him take it. Either way I can't read anymore of this thread, I have never been a big fan of sitting back and watching another human suffering or getting in a situation where they will get seriously hurt. Hope this marriage is worth all the abuse.

Blackbird, I am astonished that you see anything to save here. I don't see the point of getting a polygraph with a man who is:

1. a serial cheater
2. a child molester
3. a sexual predator
4. a husband who sexually assaults you in your sleep and puts the picture on the internet
5. a man who masturbates and watches porn at work
6. is an alcoholic

A polygraph will not solve those problems.

You are not safe with such a man. The past is the best indicator of your future. You have used this excuse to ignore his crimes in the past and it has only resulted in MORE AFFAIRS and MORE SEXUAL ASSAULTS.

It will take much, much more than a polygraph to save this. This is a man who sexually assaults you. And I would wager he continues to take pictures of you and put them on the web stream.

I don't usually recommend counseling, but you are in dire need of a counselor who can help you with reality testing and boundary control.

Blackbirdfly,

You are worth MORE.
You deserve MORE than what your H has to offer.........rehabilitated in the future or not.

I've heard Dr. Harley say that a disturbing number of alcoholic fathers have sexually molested their own daughters. Your husband isn't "just" an alcoholic; he is also a sexual predator and pedophile. What are the odds that he has never sexually molested any of your kids? Even in the unlikely event that he hasn't, why are you continuing to put yourself and your children at risk by allowing him to live with you?

Agree

How old were you when you started dating your WH? You could not have been older than 18 when you got married and gave birth to your first child. Was your age the reason he hid your marriage and pregnancy from his family?

Ok, I am reading this all, and I am really thinking about it. Am I delusional, I don't know, I don't think I am...but I'm thinking you all are assuming he is much worse than he actually is and everything is not that bad. That is my interpretation. So, assuming he passes his polygraph and is telling the truth...

1. a serial cheater

He has never had sex with another person in our entire marriage

2. a child molester

yes, very bad, but one time 20 years ago.

3. a sexual predator

I don't think he is a sexual predator

4. a husband who sexually assaults you in your sleep and puts the picture on the internet

That is true, but he stopped the internet part, and yes, it's bad.

5. a man who masturbates and watches porn at work

This, I don't know. How common is this I wonder? It seems weird to me but maybe a lot of men do this.

6. is an alcoholic

That is probably true, but I haven't had enough time to really analyze this because it only just occurred to me yesterday when it was mentioned on the thread.

So again, this is assuming what he says is the truth....it just doesn't seem to me that he is a horrible person.

He swears he has told me everything at this point. And already at work today he is taking steps to be sure he has no access to porn. It is not complete yet but he needs one person who isn't in today, and they will be there tomorrow. We are calling to set up a polygraph tomorrow.

I don't know...I have all these people telling me he is all of these horrible things, he is telling me he is none of these things. I can't imagine him being those horrible things. He is telling me everything wrong he has ever done in his life basically. He has never been so forthcoming with information. I don't believe he has hurt my children or any other child, other than that one time as a teenager....which I asked him again. He says one time. I would tell him to apologize to her but if the timeline is right, I just don't think she would even know it happened.

I was 16 when I met him. 18 when I married him, and had our first child a couple of months later. I am not exactly sure why he hid it. He kind of has a habit of just not acting and letting things happen, so he basically just didn't say anything. It was literally on our way (maybe 10 minutes away) from when I insisted they are meeting their grandchild (he told me they wanted nothing to do with us) that he came clean.