If you share his true past with 100 strangers in a room, and the overwhelming majority of the room stands up and tells you that You are making poor decisions in remaining with him......

Is it worth then reconsidering how you are seeing this picture?

I just want to be clear that I don't think a polygraph will make this a marriage worth saving, but a way to uncover possible criminal activity that the authorities could act upon to keep him from hurting others, too. Maybe you could see an attorney and spill out all that he's done and all that you are worried about and see if they have something they could do, while you get yourself and your children out of there, and I mean, right now.

What is the history of the molestation?
I see it referenced by others.
Is he a convicted child molester?

This is sickening. I cannot even read this thread anymore.

I wouldn't want to involve the police, in fact I'm concerned about what I can even ask to be sure it doesn't involve police, as I'm not looking to get him in legal trouble.

And about those 100 strangers....well they are all saying things that are worse than what he actually did (again, assuming what he says is true) if they took what is his truth and still said I need to divorce, maybe that is different. But again, there's no way to have the whole picture, to know what he is like. I mean typing it all out, it's hard...it sounds bad, but he is more than just these things.

He is not trying to talk me out of the polygraph this time. He is ready to take it, I think he is being honest with me.

Jedi

"He even admitted he molested a child once when he was in his midteens a cousin, she is grown up now and as far as I can tell she would have been too young to remember (like maybe 2?)....and he swears that was the only time, I do believe him that he has never touched our daughter inappropriately but obviously it will be asked on the polygraph. I was sexually abused as a child and he knows it, very very difficult to hear these things. "

It doesn't matter if he's all "these horrible things" or not, he can prove himself while you are separated. Better to err on the side of safety, don't you think? The issue with the sex isn't just about whether it's on the 'net or not, it's about how he's knowingly treating you in a despicable manner, again, on a consistent basis.

Yes, you are. I say this kindly, but it is clear to an objective observer that you have minimized and rationalized his behaviors to a shocking degree. This is one of the worst cases of denial I have ever seen.


He has had numerous ADMITTED affairs that you have posted about in this very thread. And I seriously doubt they were not sexual. Your husband is a porn addict and as such, his interest in women is not emotional, but sexual. He would have no other reason to have an affair. This makes him a serial cheater.


One time is all it takes. And one time is all he has admitted. As you have learned the hard way with him, the past is the best indicator of the future. You know you can't leave him alone with your children.


This is the definition of a person who assaults his spouse in her sleep:

He has not stopped assaulting you. And it is doubtful he has stopped posting it on the internet.


And maybe they don't.


Yet you told us many times that he is a serial liar and here you are assuming he is telling you the truth. The issue is that he is not a safe person, Blackbird.

The polygraph is not the issue here: it is an inability to recognize when someone is a dangerous person. Even if he flunked the polygraph, I would expect you to rationalize and justify as you have here. I don't believe there is anything he can do to you that would help you recognize the danger.

It sounds like even his own family knows this. Have you spoken to his parents about his history?

Blackbirdfly,

We are extremely concerned about you and your children. The odds are not good that your H has not touched your children. In fact, the odds are that he has touched them inappropriately many times.

In fact, your H has raped you - not just molested you. And he deliberately chose to broadcast that rape over the internet. Even though he says he is no longer broadcasting/filming what he is doing to you, the rapes are still wrong. This isn't just one felony over the years, either - it amounts to far more!

I do not believe your H has been completely honest with you about anything that has happened. If (and I truly mean IF) you do a polygraph on your H, I would ask him as one of the questions if he has been completely truthful with you about everything. I would have your poligrapher word that in an effective/appropriate way.

Sexual predators escalate their behavior over time to experience that same dopamine high. Please talk to a crisis counselor at your women's shelter today. You are not safe with this man.

BB, the way you have rationalized his crimes is by comparing them to "worse" crimes. Exp: well at least he hasn't killed someone yet! Do you know you are in the habit of doing this? This is a denial tactic.

blackbird,

What can we help you with? You came here asking for objective help but you don't like what people are telling you. Given that you have been with WH since you were 16 (and I am assuming he is guilty of statutory rape too...there is not need to argue about he was only 19 vs 35) it seems like you will hold onto this marriage no matter what he does...no low is too low. And that is also the reason you don't expose properly. A poly is not going to change anything. The admitted offenses are already waaaaaay out there.

Your WH preys on the naive and vulnerable. He started dated you when you were sixteen. He molests/rapes you in your sleep. He molests a toddler.

As I said in my first post, I wouldn't bother with R. I recommend you separate and file for D. SInce he is agreeable to do the poly, get it done ASAP. There is not reason for it to drag out weeks and months.

I guess that's a good question. Originally I came here because I found out there was some level of affair that was happening, and I needed advice on how to best get past it, as it is marriage builders. Obviously I have since found out a lot more, and it is pretty overwhelming.

I don't know if this is the place to talk about it anymore.....I understand why others think it is not worth fixing, but I do want my marriage to continue if possible. I'm in love with him, I don't want to divorce....based on what are the facts as I know them now.

However, honesty has been something he has struggled with as long as we've been together, and if he fails, I will know he can't be honest. I can't even repeat the details he has given me, but I assure you I have grilled and found out the specifics and I think I know everything. He did molest her, and it was one time. It is very repulsive what he did, but it was nearly 20 years ago and the victim was not old enough to possibly remember. Again, I am not excusing it and I am totally grossed out by this information. Maybe I am wrong for loving him, but if I divorced him and broke up my family, it will not undo what he did.

As for being 16, he was 19 and I believe 16 is of age in the state we were in. I don't think he was searching for a young person specifically in any way.

As for the poly, he did talk me out of it last time. I realize now it was a calculated move....tell me a minimal amount to stay out of bigger trouble.

This time he is having it. It is an absolute condition to stay and work on the marriage. Hopefully it is not something there is a big wait for, I will call tomorrow and schedule as soon as I can.

If there is anyone supportive of recovery....that would be great. If not, I don't feel the need to be viewed as a train wreck to watch. I appreciate objective opinions....but if I have made my decision to stay, then telling me he could be worse doesn't really change my mind, if you know what I mean.

Possible poly questions:

Have you had vaginal, anal or oral sex with any person other than blackbird during your marriage?

Did you have sex with OW (name of OW who met him at the grocery store)?

Did you have sex with OW in your home?

Have you had any sexual contact with a minor child in the last ten years?

Recovery can only take place if he stops the offending behavior and makes radical changes in his lifestyle.

For example, what is the plan for him to stop drinking? What is the plan to protect you being raped in your sleep? What is the plan for him to stop masturbating at work? Looking at porn? Having affairs? Exploiting female subordinates in the workplace?

It won't protect you in the future, though.

I am not a poly expert by any means, but would it help to make a few changes on wording? (These are just some ideas I had.)


How about:
Did you have sex with anyone in your home?


Have you had any sexual contact with a minor child in the last 29 years?

This is my worry for you, Blackbirdfly. Love won't change your H's behavior.

BB, just as was the case in 2011, you have no plan for recovery here. So, of course we can't be supportive of something that does not exist. Having no plan is a plan to fail. We are all concerned that you have no plan to protect yourself from your husband.

I don't think Dr Harley would be supportive of having a man with a history of ANY child molestation in the same household with your kids. I believe I have heard him say that people who molest/prey on children WILL do it again.

The M wouldn't be a consideration - he would only be worried about the safety of your children, as you should be...

This is very disturbing.

I specified that specific OW since that is a story WH has already given to blackbird. The previous question of did he have sex with anyone would cover anyone during the marriage. That specific story would be blown up if he fails that question.

He already admitted to sexual contact with a child so going back 29 yrs would be going back too far. Has he had any since being married (which is now 12 or 13 yrs)? Or since the molestation? Since blackbird was 18 when they married any sexual contact before age 18 would be a yes to that question...which is not the reason for the question and why I shaved off a couple years...to avoid her being a consideration.

That was my thinking anyway.