You have opened your eyes, and quickly closed them again...

OH, if he just freely admitted that he spiked your drinks without being asked....he;s probably reading your thread

So, as long as he admitted that he drugged you before he raped you and broadcast the sexual escapades on the internet, you are going to accept that as okay with you.

I apologize for being so brutally blunt, but don't you find that atrocious?

If a daughter or sister or best female friend of yours presented those same facts to you asking for an outsiders unbiased opinion, what do you think you would advise them to do?

LTL

Did you record the conversation with your H?

Have you followed up with Dr. Harley and told him all that has happened?

Blackbirdfly:

Over the years, I've counseled many women who have found themselves in your situation. While I have strongly recommended separation, they insist that they can't separate because of X, Y, and Z. When I help them resolve those issues, they come up with A, B, and C. The point is that they consider themselves trapped. But when I finally convince one of these women to separate for even one week, she will often report back that her mind is clearing up, and she sees the danger to herself, and more importantly, to her children.

A point I made just yesterday on the MB radio program was bad behavior in marriage should be exposed to family and friends, and if it's abuse of any kind, to the police and social services. Whether it's drug and alcohol addiction, infidelity, physical or emotional abuse, or, in your case, rape, exposure of the behavior is the quickest way to remedy the situation. Joyce and I would expose each other if one of us was doing something illegal or immoral with the knowledge that exposure brings the problem to the surface where something can be done about it.

Exposure of your husband's problems, and separation until there is solid evidence that his problems have become a thing of the past, and he can be safe to be with you and your children, is such an obvious next step for you, that it's impossible for the objective observer to recommend any other solution for you. It's the only way out. Your emotions are trapping you, not your husband. Once you are separated, and the truth is revealed publicly, you will find yourself freed.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Please listen to Dr Harley, for your children's safety and your own.

He is a child abuser who has been doping his kids' mother for years. Purely for sexual pleasure. There is a very high risk to you all.

The fact that the abuse of the toddler is OK because he doesn't remember it... well that suggests he is also doping your kids too. What if your kids have funny dreams too? What if these drugs kill one of you?

You cannot help him. You are the last person who can.

Tell the authorities so he can access proper help and you can keep yourselves safe.

I think I am an impartial observer. On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 means the guy is completely safe and 10 means the guy is so dangerous he should be confined, I would give your husband a 10. What does that tell you?

God Bless you, Dr. Harley for posting to Blackbirdfly.

Blackbirdfly, please heed Dr. Harley's advice. Report your husband to the authorities and separate immediately. He is not safe to you or your children.

I have written an exposure letter. I have been unable to send it. I did not specify his exact sexual addictions/habits/crimes whatever you would call it.... but that they would cause him to be terminated and arrested.

I have looked up the legal implications of the molestation, and it is outside of the statute of limitations now in the state where it happened. I am very torn about exposing this information, we do not live physically near each other, but I keep up with her on fb and she is happy and doing well in life. If I knew she was of an age that she would have remembered, I would demand he confess and apologize to her. But she was very very young, and I do not want new knowledge to interrupt her life. I know how devastating this information has been for me, and I can only imagine how upsetting it would be to her. If she wanted to, she cannot get justice. If she does know, she herself has chosen not to hold him responsible in the eyes of the law.

I strongly feel I have been his only victim since. It is not ok, very not ok, but I do not want to press charges. I am not financially dependent on him, my parents live nearby and we could easily have no reliance on him, my kids are nearly to the age where my working full time in the day could be easily done with little effect on them. But it is obvious that steps like that would truly ruin his life. All I want it for him is to change 100% from right now. I want eventual recovery, not divorce and I realize there are a lot of steps that need to happen, including hearing a professional tell me he is ok. I also care very much for him as a person and I want him to rebuild his life, not destroy it.

He has never admitted to being a danger to anyone else, and has been abundantly clear that he has not touched anyone else. If a polygraph agrees, I feel it is reasonable to believe he is being honest. I would never under any circumstances keep him apart from his kids when I have no reason to believe he is dangerous to them. I understand one could say if he did it to me, he could to them, but that is not the case.

I realize at this point that whatever I say to him does not matter. He has to choose to get help, and I only hope he does. I feel that I can help support him if he starts getting help, and I am ok with being in the same house. It is difficult physically and emotionally, but I think I can.

I know anyone on the outside does not think of him as a person, but he really is, and I truly am holding his life in my hands. If I start a legal process he will lose his job and everything he has worked for. He will lose his family, he will go to prison. And prison won't help him, and it won't make me feel better. His other victim can't send him to prison. It also would very difficult for me to have it all publicly known, I would never want his kids, his parents to know what he has done.

I know you say I should value myself more, but all I can say is, as I am living and experiencing this, this is how I feel. Him going to prison hurts everyone. Him instead getting help has the potential to help everyone. IF he ever acts inappropriately again from this point, I will have to accept he has chosen that over changing his life and I will start divorce proceedings. I do love him and it breaks my heart to say that but I really do mean it.

I am trying very hard to be clear headed and not acting like a beaten dog that keeps coming back for more....I am trying to be logical and take steps that help everyone. I can say there is definitely no danger to me or the kids with sleeping arrangements as they are now.

Now we have the complicated mess of making sure that the help he gets doesn't ruin his life. I'm not sure where the legal requirements stand with mandated reporters and what has to be reported. I hope to meet a therapist that can speak with both of us but concentrate on his care but I'm not even sure where to start with finding the best therapist for the job.

I would encourage you to skip the polygraph and ask him to leave. The polygraph is a needless distraction at a time when you should be focusing on protecting yourself and your children.

And thank you Dr. Harley for writing. I am hearing what you are saying, but surely you realize as well as I do that reporting to the authorities would ruin his life, maybe all of ours. We live in a small community, my kids would have to leave school, friends, everyone to get a fresh start. We may not have committed the crime but we will surely pay for exposing it to the world. I want others to know he has done wrong, and the exposure letter is still extremely exposing....but legally I'm not there. I just can't agree with that.

You are not thinking clearly. The first step is to separate from him. Pack his bags and ask him to move out today. He should not have access to you or your children until he gets the help he needs. Tell him you won't even consider reconciliation until he receives professional help [on his own] and demonstrates complete recovery over a long period of time.

You should also report his rapes to the police and press charges. Expose his behavior at work and to your children, family and close friends. His workplace needs to know that he is exploiting female subordinates [affairs] and watching porn and masturbating at work.

BBF, make a decision today to stop being an enabler. Make a decision today to get away from him so you can start thinking clearly.

You are helping ruin your husbands life by covering up his crimes. By helping him hide his crimes, you are enabling him to be a bad man. That is not in his best interest, your best interest and most especially your children's best interest. If your husband were forced to face the consequences of his actions, he would be motivated to change.


Your husband's life is ruined now by his behavior. And if you don't stop him now, someone else WILL in the future.

What happened to exposing his infidelity to your family? Exposing his drinking to them too? You haven't even done that, blackbird.

An exposure letter that does not specify the act is obviously not an exposure letter. It is a sham.

Can you post the letter?

It is all in the exposure letter. I revealed drinking, theft, lying, sexual issues, everything. I just need to send it. At first I was planning on waiting for confirmation on the poly, but this morning reworded it in a way that I am getting it verified but it is as I know. It is just incredibly difficult to press send.

Blackbird, When you visit a therapist they are required by law to notify Children Services of any potential threat to childrens safety.
So even if you see one, and conceal the molestation you wont be making progress because the therapist wont have all the information necessary to professionally address the situation.

You remind me of the women i watch on Jerry Springer, that will live in dangerous situations and argue against the entire world that their sweet boyfriend is an angel....even after he fails a polygraph about molesting the kids!

The best thing that could happen at this point is for some parent to complain that your husband is sexting their daughter and get the cops involved...hopefully at that point Children Sservices will take your children into protective custody because its obvious you are unwilling to protect them.

As for exposure to the girl that was molested, same thing applies....the purpose of exposure to family would be to enable them to protect their kids when he is around.

But instead you want to conceal this, which will lead to it potentially continuing in a never ending cycle of family molestation and dirty family secrets.

There is a difference between being a victim, an unknowing enabler and a fully informed enabler.

Hit the button. You have avoided exposure and taking steps to help yourself (and even your WH) for over two years....TWO YEARS!! If you don't expose, you will be wasting your life talking about what you could have, should have done XX years ago. Things have only gotten WORSE since 2011. Hit the button!!