So many of you know the heartbreak that is caused when you discover that your wife has been adulterous. Only then to be followed by the confusion of realizing you really don't know the WS at all because of the fog. I have been so grateful to look around here and see so many descriptions of very similar circumstances to what I am facing.

I discovered the infidelity 3 weeks ago. I have never experienced such pain in all my life. But, God made very clear to me (even in the blur of no sleep and no food for the first week) that I wasn't going to leave and I wasn't going to kick her out. I didn't want to hand her this disastrous relationship on a silver platter and then I found MB. What a blessing to read the articles and now the posts here.

By God's grace I have been able to keep my cool. I have been able to be a strong, assertive, but gentle and calm man. For the most part, my anger has been really limited. But, I have allowed her to see and hear the pain she has caused me.

I immediately did planned exposure. I think everyone knows who needs to know (family, pastor, close friends and coworkers) and thankfully they are almost entirely on board with my pursuit of PLan A. They still say some dumb things to me and to her. But, for the most part, the people who are supporting us both are coaching us the right way.

3 weeks out, (it feels like a lifetime but I know it's so so early), things have been improving. She is responding to my forgiveness and attempts to meet her emotional needs. I took a peek at her journal and she did say that my "love was helping".

My biggest need at this point: patience. I just want to blaze ahead and start working on improving this marriage and reconnecting. But she's not there yet. Their affair lasted 6 months but she had feelings for him and there was some flirting for 18 months. I wish I had a timeline. It feels really hard to run this marathon without any idea of what to expect along the route. But, I'm assuming at this point - it's going to take a LONG time.

We just ordered SAA and HNHN and she has committed to reading it with me. There is also great accountability on both sides for no contact (though I know that's really the only thing keeping them apart right now). So, I AM hopeful. I do believe this marriage can be restored and passionate again. And the ups and downs of the roller coaster of emotions seem a little less violent at this point which is a blessing.

Thanks for your support.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here. You are in the right place to recover your marriage.

Have you read the Start Here First thread at the top of the forum?

You should start with the book Surviving An Affair, not HNHN yet.

Do you have any children?

Has your W stopped all contact with the OM, and have you verified this?

Yes I have read the Start Here First forum. I have really appreciated all of the articles and posts there.

We have 2 children DS 4yo and DD 2yo.

She has broken off all contact and I am verifying. Also have people on his side verifying too.

Sorry you are here but welcome.

Who was the OM? And how did they conduct the affair?

You were unclear if she is agreeing to recovery. It sounds like you are in Plan A, if you havent followed the steps in Surviving an Affair you are doing it wrong.


Did you expose to the OM family, wife, facebook friends?
Full transparency(all passwords, phone access, social media access, keylogger, etc)?
No Contact letter sent?

If you want a timeline, then ask for a polygraph.

Yes
Yes
Yes

Haven't read SAA yet but got it in the mail today and following everything I can from the articles.

Any suggestions on reading SAA with wife? how it should be done? or is this something I should do on my own?

Yes my W seems to be very amenable to recovery. She is attending counseling, confessing to others, went to a marriage group with me, going to individual therapy, found a mentor from our church, and giving me full access.

Did you see this??

Please answer SusieQ's question about the OM and how the affair took place. Have you both been checked for STDs?

Welcome to MB

almctomb,

found a mentor from our church

Be careful about that, especially if it is some male, at my last church the pastor there unwittingly created an emotional dependence on him on the part of a married woman he was counseling and she ended up divorce. I can attribute this to his youth, but in many churchs there seems to be a sub-population of men who just don't understand boundries.

God Bless
Gamma

we meet with a christian counseling couple. so she will be meeting with the wife one - on - one.

The situation is a little weird. We live in an intentional community and he lived here. I am the manager of the facility and because of the nature of the community I was able to ask him to leave immediately. Unfortunately, that means that almost all of their relationship happened with him sneaking into our home. They mostly texted but then when I went out for meetings or something he would sneak in. Although it was tricky because they couldn't allow others in the community to see them. When I asked him to move out, I did it very calmly and told him his pursuit of my wife was inappropriate and I ensured that he moved in with another single guy who could mentor him and hold him accountable.

almctomb,

In order to follow Dr Harleys recovery program she must have no contact with the OM for life.

Are you legally married?

Your house will forever be a trigger for your wife.
Your bed will be a trigger for your wife.
You need to move away.
Did she agree to polygraph? Tested for STDs?
As pointed out, you have some red flags still
Something seems off, as in what you describe and how things are going dont follow the normal progression of an affair ending

We live in an intentional community and he lived here. I am the manager of the facility and because of the nature of the community I was able to ask him to leave immediately.

I did it very calmly and told him his pursuit of my wife was inappropriate and I ensured that he moved in with another single guy who could mentor him and hold him accountable.


Does not make sense. You asked him to move out, then in with another guy? It appears that he still lives there but at another location. That is not removing him.

As the manager why was this guy not fired?

How do you expect another single man to keep him from trying to bang your WW again?

What are you thinking?


Unfortunately, that means that almost all of their relationship happened with him sneaking into our home. They mostly texted but then when I went out for meetings or something he would sneak in. Although it was tricky because they couldn't allow others in the community to see them.


There is no way I could stay living in that apartment let alone sleep in your bed and use your sofa, etc, after the OM. Too many triggers.

Who did you expose to on OM's side?

Have you and your WW been tested for STD/I?

He lives on the other side of town now. He is single. He was not an employee here he was kicked out as a client. On his side, his pastor knows, the guy he is living with knows and his sister.

We are moving in the next few weeks (still in town but off campus). Where we are moving is even further away from him. He doesn't drive or have a car. He is reliant on the guy he is living with to provide him transportation everywhere he wants to go. I have access to my wife's email, I check both her phone and our online phone bill records regularly.

My WW was tested while the affair was going on and everything was negative. I understand that I will need to do this. I'm not sexually active right now (obviously) and the thought feels a bit traumatic but I will get tested.

See previous post for who was exposed to.

We are legally married and she understands the importance of no contact although she is grieving him terribly at this point.