BBF-Are there any resources in your area for women in abusive situations? It's very common for people in situations like yours to have trouble leaving...many times it takes years for women in abusive relationships to leave and sometimes it takes multiple tries because they leave and return. We have a great facility in my county that includes a shelter, recovery programs, support groups and low cost therapists with a lot of experience in situations like yours. Anything like that in your area? Talking to women in similar situations might help you see your in a different light.

BBF,

I hope you realize that your gut feelings have been steering you wrong, like about the drug and rape at night. This same gut feeling is what you're relying on to decide that he doesn't hurt your children. You are in no way making his life unbearable by separating from him. You may find out things from your children once they feel safely away from him.

The young lady who was molested when she was 2, probably has bits and pieces of memories that don't make sense. She certainly has internal emotional issues that she doesn't understand why or how they came to be. There are things she struggles with because she can't make sense of her life. Information has been kept from her that is preventing her from healing and being whole. She blames herself for everything because she doesn't know any better.

Start there. Tell her. She's entitled to know the full truth of her life, and why she has the struggles that she does. Outside she looks good, but inside she's still broken. You can help her. It will be hard for her at first, but she will finally begin to heal.

Separate from your WH like Dr. H said to do. Then get the poly, and decide whether you want to R at that point.

Ok, first off I want to tell you, go ahead and do the polygraph. In fact WHEN IS IT SCHEDULED??? Do it not for clarity but for proof. You BBF, have plenty of information needed to begin to step up as a mom and protect your children and yourself. Also, starting now RECORD EVERY CONVERSATION!! You're going to need it.

Do you know the what percentage of people are who can self cure themselves of being a child molester?? 0%!! None

Now that the harsh stuff is out of the way, lets get real.

Your husband is famous for giving you 1/2 truths! I have great experience with 1/2 truths. Essentially what they are, are small bites of what actually happened in order to get you to stop asking. You WILL never get it all because the secrets that man has, he will take to his grave. Everything he says to you is a half truth. Now lets look at some of the things he has said:

1. OW only expressed a sexual fantasy.

2. I drink occasionally

3. I molested and raped you in your sleep only for a short time and videoed it.

4. I MOLESTED 1 GIRL WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER

All of these lies have been elaborated and he has given you a little more and a little more.

Bottom line, this man is a pedophile. I know it is a hard cold truth to let sink in but it is your reality. Regardless of what kind of a father you think he is to your children, that is a fact. If he was able to bring himself to molest a girl as a teenager, this is not a problem he can cure on his own. Normal people cannot bring themselves to do this. Every lie he tells is an attempt to bury this HUGE lie deeper and deeper. The fact that he can still bring himself to drug and rape you in your sleep is a huge red flag that he is an active child molester.

I realize that you can't get your head past the fact that they are his bio children but do you know that fact alone, makes it easier!!! Then need to groom is easier, the trust is already there, and noone would ever think.

Please do not downplay what he has done as "not as bad as you think." If he can do it to you, he can do it to your children. Saying you are abused is one thing, as not everyone abused is an abuser, but to say you've been able to cross that line, there is no doubt left. Think about it!! If he was able to tell you about this girl from years and years ago take it as a half truth and count on it being much much worse, just as everything else you've slowly discovered. Your children deserve more from you than this!

Start educating yourself about this. It will be eye opening. And in the meantime, DO NOT LEAVE YOU CHILDREN ALONE WITH THIS MAN!! EVER

The polygraph examiner insisted that I should only ask one question, and that one question can't be give him a questionnaire and then ask if it was truthful.

The other examiner said he typically did 3 and would up to 6. If one question can give the most accurate answer, I think that's what I want to do. The other guy travels and meets in hotels and just doesn't seem as legit? I don't know. This guy is retired police officer with lots of experience.

My plan for my question is:

Have you ever had physical sexual contact with any other person during our marriage?

The only problem is this does not account for minor vs adult...so I have to assume the worst until he can have another test on a different day if he were to fail. I will go over everything with him in person in case he can allow a couple more questions but this is the most important one.

He also has his first therapy appt next week I found out. I plan to ask him to move out starting tomorrow until we have answers. I plan on exposure letter happening tonight, and talking with the kids together tomorrow. I just don't want him to move out until we have sat them down together. He does not know I am asking him to move out yet, I will tell him tomorrow.

My hope is that this would be a temporary separation and once we get on the way with his individual therapy we could eventually work on building a marriage again. I do not know if that will be reality but I do understand the need for some separation and I don't think it's a terrible idea. I know he will not want to.

Oh and an answer can be inconclusive and that's the answer, like it's just not possible to know. I'm not sure what I could possibly think in that case and I just hope and pray that third option does not happen.

REVAMP question to read:

Have you ever touched any of our children for sexual reasons?

You need to wake up and realize what the real issue is here. If he can pass that question, than, and only than, is your marriage salvageable!!

I have never heard of a one question poly.

blackbird, you may want to read home's story. It may be an eye opener for you.

I agree. Standard polys are 3 questions.

Either way you need to get this scheduled ASAP, then brace yourself. I see great resemblances in our stories BBF and I fear for you.

**Also (and even if you don't see the need) begin recording all of these long talks you're having with wh. Even if you never need them, it wouldn't hurt.

Please take a moment to read up on CSA, Childhood Sexual Abuse.

It most often, in the VAST MAJORITY of incidents, occurs from a close family member, such as a parent.

Being a parent does not negate the Child Abuse tendencies.

Before you attempt to do your, currently described half azzed exposure letter, it would serve your best interests to post it here to be tweaked for the Proper information being disseminated to the contact lists.

As far ad the poly, the questions you should put down on a list should also be discussed here for getting at the true facts.

You are afraid that exposing the truth will harm him, but the reality is that his actions are what have harmed his reputation and other innocent victims.

By concealing these truths, you are a co-conspirator to allowing this to go on unpunished. He deserves consequences for his crimes.

And YES, the young cousin of his deserves to know the truth about her life.

Will you inform her of what you discovered?

LTL

You are right, there are a lot of half truths happening. Maybe some are the whole truth but I can't possibly know.

The polygraph is happening on Tuesday. I was just looking up some stuff about it, apparently the single question is the most accurate. And you are right about the question too. The question needs to be have you ever touched any child for sexual reasons since we have been married?
The reason I am asking like that is because we married very young. He was only 20 when we married, 19 when we met so it is perfectly possible that if he potentially cheated before marriage it could be a 17 year old or something. I just want to make it very clear what I mean and I can't question it.

If he allows more questions, I would very much like to ask about other women and his drinking as well...but they can wait for a future test.

Ok you all will not like this, but I told him I was going to expose and then he asked to see it and I showed him. Then he said he is going to rewrite it from his perspective bc his parents might not believe me. Which, I do know his mother doesn't like me, but I don't know. Anyway, I said he can have a chance to rewrite it but it must be done today and I have to approve it and I have to physically watch him send it.

The polygraph administrator who suggested you compose a Full list of questions for him to answer prior to taking the test allows for more items to be confronted.

Please read the thread in the top forum section about polygraph testing and the questions to ask.

LTL

Here it is for you.

Polygraph Testing, (found it in the Operation Investigate sub-forum)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2473858#Post2473858

LTL

This is not something that should not be done together. I would tell the kids by yourself TODAY. Tell them by yourself today and ask him to move out tonight. He can go stay in a hotel until he finds another place.

The first thing you need to do is change the locks so he doesn't come in the house.


If you mean a few years, I would agree with your characterization of "temporary" because it will take at least that long for him to make and demonstrate a radical change in his behavior. He will have to prove to you over time that he is a safe person and that comes with time, if ever.

What is the EXACT PURPOSE of the polygraph? I am completely baffled why you want one.

I think the polygraph is a complete waste of time and a conflict avoidance tactic. You already know he had several affairs. Of course they were sexual affairs. He has no other reason to pursue any person. I don't see why it matters a bit.

Why do you want him to take a polygraph?

Reword it again...

have you ever touched OUR child for sexual reasons since we have been married?

Think about the question for a moment. If he fails it.... you will need to not only separate but begin to protect your children. Right now....they are your concern. How old are your children BBF?

If you are allowed more than 1 question feel free to expand to the children of the world. Right now you need to ensure YOUR children are safe from abuse. That is your job as their mom.

He does not get to expose it. That is your job entirely. Just post the letter here and we will give you feedback. You can proceed with the exposure today.

Of course we don't like that you told him because it was another foolish and needless move.

I did read the thread, and I did initially make a long list and we have been through it. I've learned a lot since last Friday. A lot of it has been confessed, so no need to ask. I really only have 3 questions left and I have asked him so he has a good long time to work up the nerve to tell me if he is going to. He knows my main question and my other potential questions (the others about other women having physical contact, since I already know he's done everything else possible with them, and about further drinking being hidden, since I think I know everything but I am concerned about how safe he is if he is drinking more than he says)

Really everything else I wanted to know, he has told me over the last week.

I am urging a polygraph because I fear that is what it will take for her to understand the severity of her husbands problem. Something hard, cold, and black and white. Right now she is blinded by the gas lighting and cannot see what we can see in him.