Yes, my attorney agrees, it makes her look bad moving out of the house and leaving me with the kids.

Did you tell your kids?

I'm going to tell them tomorrow night so they have the weekend to adjust before going back to school.

I'm thinking of just saying something like this to them,
"Mom loves another man. His name is "XXX XXXXXX". That is why Mom and I have been fighting these past months. Married people are not supposed to be romantically in love with another person. The other man is also married and has kids about your age. That is why she has not been home much recently and why she moved out last week. None of this is your fault. You are good kids and Dad still loves you very much. I want your mommy to stay with our family, but right now she chooses to be with the other man."

Anything else I should add or delete from this?

I would add that this is adultery and that it is immoral. Otherwise they will think you are condoning it. When I was a little girl, I was introduced to my dad's "friend" [OW] at a hotel. The message was that adultery is very nice and no one told me otherwise. That was very confusing to me because this did seem wrong to me. I learned that adultery was wrong in my 30's.

See, your kids will know instinctually that this is wrong because they have probably not been corrupted yet. You really want to validate their instincts about right and wrong and give them moral guidance so they don't grow up with confusion and self doubt. Kids should not be left to figure it all out on their own. When parents don't teach kids right from wrong, they sometimes NEVER figure it out on their own.

Yes. People in affairs will literally abandone everything.
I would make getting custody of the kids a priority

I think a small crack has developed in my wife's fantasy world. Next Wednesday, her, I, and the kids have to attend this mandatory court ordered divorce counseling about how divorce affects kids. We have put it off, but we have to let our kids know about the divorce before going to the counseling so they are not going in cold. Yesterday, my wife stopped by the house and asked me if we can postpone the counseling. I said we already postponed it once in Dec. I don't think the court will keep allowing that. She said she is "thinking about things". I didn't respond.

Maybe the pending divorce, having to tell the kids, and all the recent exposure I've done recently is taking a toll on the affair fantasy. I know several of our friends and her mother have emailed her (but she wont reply). Also, not being in the house for the last couple weeks with the rest of the family must feel strange to her. I could be wrong and maybe she is just trying to buy more time, but my instinct and her nicer attitude tells me something is up. And no love busters from me for two weeks.

Tell WW that if she wants to comeback that she has to go NC with the OM and counsel together with the Harley's.

Hi BH808. Did you tell your kids? Now would be a GREAT TIME to do that since she is having second thoughts.

Judge actions, not words or thoughts...

Ok i told my kids. I also had to tell them we might get divorced because today we had to attend mandatory divorce counseling for kids. My 12 took it the worst than the younger 2.

My wife didnt to tell them about the possible divorce and wanted to postpone again the kids counseling. I asked her why. She said since she moved out she has been thinking about things. And that she needs more time to think. And that maybe it would be better if we reconciled for the sake of the family. But i told her nothing has really changed. The affair is still ongoing. She hasnt expressed any interest in ending it and\or reconciling. She claims she is not just making me wait while she sees how the affair plays out. But im not sure what to believe.

Now even i am having second thoughts about wanting to reconcile. I feel deep resentment.

Not sure what to do. But the divorce process continues at a snails pace.

Did you tell your kids about the divorce or about their mother's affair?

Yes what exactly did you tell your kids?

And you were right to stand your ground telling WW that you will not wait for her while she is still living with the OM.

In Plan A, you need to be saying short things to get through her foggy head:

"I am willing to work with you to create a romantic marriage where both of our needs are met but you must first end your affair"

I told the kids both about the possible divorce and the reason why, the affair. I think my older son already knew. He cried when he heard it directly from me. The younger ones didn't show much reaction, except concern about if we have to move, change schools, what about the pets, etc. I'm not sure if they will say anything to my wife. I feel bad for putting them in this situation. Last night at the court mandated counseling, the counselor said it's uncomfortable/stressful for kids to be caught in the middle of a divorce/separation and feel like they are pressured to take sides (termed as a loyalty bind).

I've asked my wife many times to end the affair and lets try to reconcile. She keeps saying she is not sure what to do. I guess I will wait as long as the divorce process takes. By that time, if she has not decided to at least end the affair, I'm just going through with it. I feel like I need to have the legal financial/custody protection in place.

BH,
The courts are right about not putting the children in the middle. But the children should not be shielded from the truth either. Two things can be equally true, right? The kids need to know why the separation/divorce is taking place, and you did them a favor by telling them.

Regarding the "loyalty bind," you may curse the action (infidelity), but not the person (your wife). No matter what, she is their mother so if you attack her, you attack them. On the other hand, when the affair must be discussed (and it shouldn't be talked about much at all), you should not sugar coat the affair and your wife's choices. I remember my little one calling her mom a monster. Kids know. It is what it is.

You seem to have a good plan here. Getting legal protection is a must. You have to have security in this situation or it will be another thing that drives you crazy.

Sorry you're going through this. God bless!

I feel badly for them too, but you are not the one who put them in this situation. YOUR WIFE DID THAT BY HAVING AN AFFAIR. The situation would have been more stressful for them if you and your wife had continued to lie to them about the source of the family breakup. That is horrible for children.

And yes, kids can and do take sides against the adulterer who broke up their family.. That is only natural, normal reaction. How can they NOT be upset at the parent who destroyed their family over something as flimsy as some personal fun?

Does your wife know that her children know?

Always remember the old adage around here

"Never believe what a wayward says" As long as she is wayward and in the fog, she will lie, cheat, deceive to put you off for her agenda ALONE. The wayward only cares about themselves and the affair partner.

Absolutely, you MUST be legally and financially protected. Crazy things get in the wayward head and you will be the target.

I dont know if my wife knows the kids know. Unless the kids say something to her she wouldn't know. Should I tell her I informed them about the affair?

Also, any advice on how I should treat my wife now? It seems like a fine line between not being too nice or too cold/distant. I want to show her that I can be a better husband than before. But I don't want her to think I'm a pushover either.
This is so one-sided. I never thought the betrayed spouse would be the one who tries to hold together the marriage and win the other unfaithful spouse back. It's so unfair and difficult to know what to do.

And yes, I have a hard time believing anything she says, even though some of the things she tells me, I want to be true. But there is always doubt now.