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Think about the question for a moment. If he fails it.... you will need to not only separate but begin to protect your children. Right now....they are your concern. How old are your children BBF? She needs to separate NOW regardless of any polygraph. Her husband has been drugging her and raping her at night. Dr Harley told her this morning to separate. The polygraph can come later. Dr Harley told her to separate and expose his behavior.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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BBF, please read Dr Harley's post again. Separate NOW and expose the affair. Your husband should not be involved in any of the exposures. That is YOUR JOB.
The kids need to be told ALONE so they feel safe.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I do agree that if your poly is one one question, odd though that may be, that it should deal with the child sexual issues. If they will ask 3 questions, I would go with:
1. Have you every interacted with a minor sexually since our marriage?
2. Have you ever interacted with
one of our children sexually?
3. Have you exploited your wife sexually in ways she does not yet know about?
Suggestions are welcome, however to me these areas are the most important, and questions about OW's and substance abuse should be put off, if asked at all. I use the word "interacted" instead of "touched", because that would not only cover touching, but sexual messages and porn use with children.
Your first priority should still be the separation and exposure.
Why would you give your rapist a say in your exposure letter? Of course he's going to rewrite it to favor himself, rather than reveal the truth. He should have no say in the separation that you need to implement effective immediately, no say in the exposure letter, no say in you calling the police, and no say in you telling the truth to his past victim.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Really everything else I wanted to know, he has told me over the last week. HE HAS TOLD YOU HALF TRUTHS. You will be told these all the way up until you go to the polygraph....if he goes to the polygraph. Please listen to us..we have been there. My suggestion: Schedule the polygraph Do not back down from the polygraph...regardless of how much he tells you...and he will tell you a lot more. Go to the polygraph and ask the question about the kids. Do not take any further steps until this is done. If he passes and you find out he has not sexually abused the kids then carry on with the steps for marital or personal recovery. With everything I've read in your thread I have red flags flying up all over the place!
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Exposure of your husband's problems, and separation until there is solid evidence that his problems have become a thing of the past, and he can be safe to be with you and your children, is such an obvious next step for you, that it's impossible for the objective observer to recommend any other solution for you. It's the only way out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Oh yes and take whatever precautions necessary to protect your children until you KNOW they are safe.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Folks, she needs to focus ENTIRELY on separating from him TODAY and exposing the affair. She can schedule the polygraph test AFTER she has done that.
Please help her get separated TODAY and expose the affair TODAY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He may have told you everything you WANT to hear last week, there's plenty he still is hiding that you NEED to hear.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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He also has his first therapy appt next week I found out. I plan to ask him to move out starting tomorrow until we have answers. I plan on exposure letter happening tonight, and talking with the kids together tomorrow. I just don't want him to move out until we have sat them down together. He does not know I am asking him to move out yet, I will tell him tomorrow. This is not something that should not be done together. I would tell the kids by yourself TODAY. Tell them by yourself today and ask him to move out tonight. He can go stay in a hotel until he finds another place. The first thing you need to do is change the locks so he doesn't come in the house. My hope is that this would be a temporary separation and once we get on the way with his individual therapy we could eventually work on building a marriage again. I do not know if that will be reality but I do understand the need for some separation and I don't think it's a terrible idea. I know he will not want to. If you mean a few years, I would agree with your characterization of "temporary" because it will take at least that long for him to make and demonstrate a radical change in his behavior. He will have to prove to you over time that he is a safe person and that comes with time, if ever. What is the EXACT PURPOSE of the polygraph? I am completely baffled why you want one. I think the polygraph is a complete waste of time and a conflict avoidance tactic. You already know he had several affairs. Of course they were sexual affairs. He has no other reason to pursue any person. I don't see why it matters a bit. Why do you want him to take a polygraph? I don't think it is necessary for him to move out tonight. Even if he had been doing anything, he is on his best behavior now. And again to be clear, I don't think he is. I can do it in a more gentle way with my kids and that's what I am going to do. I don't believe any affair was actual physical sex, I know you don't believe that...but really I do. I plan on asking though if I can. The exact purpose of the polygraph is for peace of mind. If he passes that he hasn't touched ANY child during our marriage than that is something to work with. I believe he will pass, but I need confirmation just in case. If he were to fail there really isn't anything to say to him. And I don't need it to be my kids, bc if he touched any kid the most likely answer is it is ours and that's what I will believe. I am not planning on separation being years unless the therapist thinks it's necessary or he fails the test, then it's permanent. I hope it is very short term.
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I agree, he needs to move out ASAP!!
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Oh yes and take whatever precautions necessary to protect your children until you KNOW they are safe. homefor5, do you realize he has been drugging her and sexually assaulting her in her sleep? He probably is molesting the children, but getting him out of the house NOW is the FIRST PRIORITY.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Pull your head out of the sand. One week apart from him is not too much to ask in light of the circumstances. Have him move out, TODAY, and get the rest sorted out in the next week.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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bbf, have him move out NOW. Of course he is not safe. Pack his bags, tell your children the truth and have him move out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're trying to have this be easier on YOU, not the kids. If you cared about your kids, you'd put their safety above their comfort.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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[
I am not planning on separation being years unless the therapist thinks it's necessary or he fails the test, then it's permanent. I hope it is very short term. It will take years for him to demonstrate a radical change in his behavior. This will not happen overnight. In the meantime, have you packed his bags? Have you told your children ALONE the truth? Have you written your exposure letter?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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You're trying to have this be easier on YOU, not the kids. If you cared about your kids, you'd put their safety above their comfort. She is in a shocking state of denial.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok well lets look at this another angle. When that polygraph is scheduled you are going to get a trickle truth like none other. For your own personal sanity it is best to remove yourself from it until the polygraph is done.
I can see that you are in serious denial about the severity of what your husband has done to you. That is due to the fact that you are too close to the situation. Do you not beleive that married or not he does not have the right to touch you without consent??? Do you understand that even without proof he has touched children, that he has abused YOU?? He has violated you?? If you don't take it seriously, neither will he. That is not love BBF, that is abuse. You have been the tool for his abuse. That is not a normal marriage or a healthy marriage or a person who needs to see a therapist. He is a sick individual. A few sessions of therapy are not going to "fix" this. By allowing this, you are essentially enabling his sickness and abuse.
Me- BW -29
WH -34
Married 13 years
5 kids together
D-day July 5, 2011 EA
D-day #2 August 8, 2011 (admitted to PA)
My world changed on July 26,2012
Working towards divorcing a monster and fighting the battle of a lifetime!
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Posts: 113
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You're trying to have this be easier on YOU, not the kids. If you cared about your kids, you'd put their safety above their comfort. That is NOT true.
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BBQ, what steps are you taking to move this along?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok well lets look at this another angle. When that polygraph is scheduled you are going to get a trickle truth like none other. For your own personal sanity it is best to remove yourself from it until the polygraph is done.
I can see that you are in serious denial about the severity of what your husband has done to you. That is due to the fact that you are too close to the situation. Do you not beleive that married or not he does not have the right to touch you without consent??? Do you understand that even without proof he has touched children, that he has abused YOU?? He has violated you?? If you don't take it seriously, neither will he. That is not love BBF, that is abuse. You have been the tool for his abuse. That is not a normal marriage or a healthy marriage or a person who needs to see a therapist. He is a sick individual. A few sessions of therapy are not going to "fix" this. By allowing this, you are essentially enabling his sickness and abuse. I do not believe he has touched my kids. I realize I could be denying it, so I am asking for proof that he hasn't. No matter what he says he is taking the polygraph. If the polygraph comes up as the truth I will believe it. I believe what the examiner says more than any of you say. You have made me think about a lot of things and I am separating for a short time for clarity, I am having him take a polygraph, he is going to a therapist. I am trying to do my best. I cannot keep hearing that I am doing it wrong wrong wrong bc I haven't thrown him out and locked the doors. I swear if I felt they were being abused I'd shoot him myself and turn myself in. If he has touched a child, any child during our marriage I don't want anything to do with him. That is the truth. I will give myself some space by him moving out for a bit tomorrow. That is all dr Harley said. One week! Not years.
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